CW: VENT

CW: VENT

i just want to give up already. I don't even know who i am anymore.

remembering the fact bpd is considered a terminal illness and my own brain is trying to constantly kill me. im never going to be okay.

People really think I'm joking when I say my emotions get so intense that I believe the only way out is to kill myself.

Omw to go cut everyone off and self isolate :3

CW: SUICIDE, ABUSE, MOOD SWINGS, DEPRESSION, VENT

Who the hell even am I anymore?

I don't find anything entertaining anymore, My special interest is becoming less interesting to me, and I feel like i'm going back to where I started 6 years ago. It's honest to god hell. I don't even feel like myself anymore.

One minute i could be euphoric and have a god-like mindset, almost similarly to how a troll feels after doing their thing, the next I could be thinking about killing myself on autopilot, the next I could be thinking about murdering some bitch who screwed me over, and that cycle keeps repeating, all within the span of a couple hours or days, and it's draining for me.

I can't even pick a career path because i still haven't figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life (tanks mrs. Smith for ruining that opportunity btw), and I'm pretty sure the reason why my girlfriend broke up with me is because she probably thinks I was abusing her or some shit because she couldn't handle how I was doing mentally (i was planning to break up with her either way because I already split from her but still hurts to think about).

And more recently i've had to come to the terms that my fp would rather see me fucking dead, and that she never wants to see me anymore (though i will be still checking her youtube page frequently cause.... why the hell not? she won't know. ), and plus, she knows I feel the same way as her currently, I had a friend of mine tell her so, but she probably doesn't care. she'll always view me as this terrible abusive person who wants nothing more than the suffrage of others, so atp, why am I still attached to her?? I gotta find a way to make myself split from her and find a new fp atp.

I'm just waiting till next week for my next therapy appointment because I may be more dependant on it than I thought. Might speak with her about setting up more appointment days or something.

"they say that it gets better, but I guess that was a lie, I get we all just fake it 'til we die. Sympathy and love, we can extend to someone else, but it's harder when you have to love yourself." ~ I deserve to bleed by Sushi Soucy