Mentally Drained - Tumblr Posts
me, every day: i just dont have the energy for this today
Mentally Unstable Girl
I’m starting my new job on Monday and the last 48 hours, everything that could go wrong, has. First I got a 10 day shut off notice for my water/sewage, then one of my cats, I think, had a stroke and can’t move his back legs and finally, there was a bad storm and the electric has been off since early Friday morning. I have no money to pay the water/sewage bill because I’ve been out of work since the beginning of June. My cat is about 14 years old and now he’s having accidents because he can’t walk and he’s in pain. My mom thinks I should put him down, which more than anything I don’t want him to be in pain and suffer. I can’t get him to eat or drink today at all. He just lays there and looks around. It’s like he’s not my Oscar anymore. I don’t think I have a choice now but I’ll have to borrow money from my mom to do it. And it’s so freaking hot without the AC, the electric company has an estimated turn on time of 6pm tomorrow.
I’m just very overwhelmed right now because I honestly have no clue what direction to go. The heat is getting to me and my cats. I keep trying to cool them down with cool washcloths but they run because water. I need to do laundry for Monday and I can’t without electricity. I have to be up at 5am on Monday with a commute of over an hour because of traffic and I don’t know where I’m going on Monday.
Life is truly testing me and I’m failing right now. This whole summer has been test after test of my mental health and just everything. I feel like a complete failure at life. This is not where I thought I’d be at 37.
You ever get that feeling where you REALLY need to talk to someone about your problems because you feel like your going to explode if you don’t but can’t because your parents won’t take your issues seriously and you have no friends so the only thing you can do is email your therapist about it and ask for advice from her but the thing is is that she doesn’t check her emails on the weekends so you basically have to suffer with bottling up all your unpleasant and conflicting feelings for two days until she replies? Cause that’s what I’m feeling right now.
I wanna cry really bad so that way I can get all of my emotions out but I can’t cause of the antidepressants I’m on.
Guys! I have a new favorite OTP!
My new fave OTP is. . .
Depression x Anxiety!!
They literally have me in their grasps!! :,D
(I’m semi ok, if anyone’s asking)
Anyways! I’m out! Have a wonderful, amazing, and hopefully not mentally ill day!! ♡ ´･ᴗ･ `♡
I wish it all flowed naturally, but instead I get a terrible blob of words
I don’t even know where to get inspiration anymore
Oh well
Why is writing so hard
I wish it all flowed naturally, but instead I get a terrible blob of words
I don’t even know where to get inspiration anymore
Oh well
Why is writing so hard
Here is part two of self deprecating memes! Because you know what better way is there to cope?
I don’t deserve to die.
Not because I deserve to live.
But because I don’t deserve the sweet release of death.
Okay so I wrote something while my last mental breakdown and I wanted to show you. So here it is and take care!
———————————————————————
I know you dont want to loose youre little sister.
All these night appart,
the number grew more and more.
Like my desire to evermore,
Se your smile and stop the frown.
Even though sometimes I feel like a clown.
Until I go to slumber,
Where I fulfil my desire.
Where I stopped feeling
The strange emotions that I can’t deceiver
Where I stopped hurting
By the reality that bring me to oblivion
Where I feel liberated
From the rotten world we created
When I wake up the numbness comes back.
Like a mountain on my back.
But don’t worry,
For I am inspired by your audacity.
Your strong head is something that I admire.
For I can’t start my fire.
My anxiety causes a war in me.
Where my army has be
And is no more.
For my demons heretofore,
We’re just pixie dust from tinker bell.
However now, they are an alarm bell.
Forgive me sister,
For I know I’m a bother
With my self destructive ways
And my long silences.
Dear sister you need to know
I’m just not myself.
But I don’t know who myself is anymore.
I’m nostalgic of a childhood I never had. Of a parent that was never mine. Of a comfort that was never there. Of a inner peace that I never had.
How do you expect me to build my future without the foundation of my past?
What have I done to have all this hurt inside me ?
Today is my birthday. I don’t particularly like my birthday. In fact, I hate it. I don’t like to be reminded that I’m alive and real. It forces me to acknowledge that time passes and im still broken inside. That I have not gotten any better. i dont feel older, in fact i still feel like a child hiding under my bed.
