Tw: Tiny Tiny Mention Of Sh And Drugs

Tw: tiny tiny mention of sh and drugs

I feel so lonely, I really miss him. I want to cuddle with him and sleep in his arms and just be with him.

We could sit in silence together and I would love it. I just really want to be with him. So so bad.

There is emptiness in my chest that I mustn't drink away. That I mustn't cut away. But I know he could hold be and I would feel whole.

Maybe not whole but something closer to it. Life gets more bearable with him. It gets livable. I can actually live and not only survive when we are together...

Did you know that you can hold someone like your life depends on it to make sure they don’t leave and you can say sorry a million times for nothing and some people will just let you do it?? And some people will even pretend like it didn’t happen for your sake until you need to do it again??

Tw: slight mention of sa and sh

How often do I have to say no until you accept it?? How fucking often? Because I said it so many times, stop it. No. No. Nonononono. Why do you keep going? Why can't you just leave me alone? I am just trying to exist!

Why is it so terrible hard to just exist? Why is always everyone trying to make it so much worse? I just want to relapse. I just want to cut myself open. I want to see the blood. I want to feel the pain. I just want to stop thinking.

Is it so bad? Is it so bad that I am trying to survive? To shut my brain up? Is it so bad that I am not able to stop?

Tw: mention of sa

The cousin that sexually assaulted me between the ages of 6 and 10 is back in the country. I am so scared and I probably have to see him next weekend...

I don't want to see him. I don't think I can. I have to act normal and like nothing ever happend while I get flashbacks of him doing all of it.

I can't stand the nightmares and flashbacks anymore, I just want to forget and be safe.

I don't want to relive him forcing himself onto me. I don't want to feel this helpless and weak again.

I need to get stronger. I need to be able to defend myself...

I am in an open relationship and my boyfriend texted me today that he made out with one of his friends.

And honestly, I do not mind at all? I was totally okay with me, don't get me wrong, but I still thought I would kinda care about it. But I really just don't.

I literally do not care?? Which is pretty nice.

Tw: drugs, sh, suicide

I made my mum cry 2 times today. And I feel guilty for it, but at the same time I just feel numb.

It's funny how hearing my perception of the world and her actions can make her cry when she always tells me that I have nothing to be sad about.

I think that she loves me, I just also want to feel it.

Feeling this numb is always a risky time, right now it would be so easy to just take a few more of my sleeping pills and leave.

I don't mind the pain I cause other people when I can't feel it. It's freeing to not care and cater to everyone's needs, but I also loose everything that makes me me.

I have to get out of this state or it could get dangerous. Maybe I'll make myself bleed again, relapse after more than two weeks again. Or I could drink, wake up tomorrow not remembering anything and with a headache that will kill me. Or maybe I should just smoke some weed. Relaxing and unwinding, caring even less but in a nice way. Getting lost in the smoke and my own mind.

I don't know. I probably shouldn't do any of it. I know I shouldn't. But keeping me alive takes killing me slowly.