
vent blog | Tw: sh, ed, suicide, sa | trying to heal | asks open
173 posts
I Named The Fly In My Room Larry, He Landed On My Hand And I Think That Is The Closest That I Have Felt
I named the fly in my room Larry, he landed on my hand and I think that is the closest that I have felt to another living thing in days.
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More Posts from Burned0utstar
I want to spend a lazy day with someone.
And when I day someone I mean him.
Getting up late, I'll cook breakfast and wash the dishes while he watches YouTube or even better plays guitar and we are just lazy together.
Bathing together. Rubbing his back and braiding his hair while watching some stupid movie.
Baking together and telling each other off for eating thr dough. Little top of the head kisses and then I'll cook us a good dinner and when I clean he is there hugging me from behind.
We go to bed, maybe reading a boon to one another and just existing together.
Cuddling and living.
I love the smell of hair dye. It has saved me so many times already.
So yeah, since autumn is starting I went red again :)
Tw: suicide
One of the friends I made while I was in the mental ward killed himself.
He was also a trans dude pre official name change or hrt. He was a few years older than me.
He loved art. He was really good at it. I got to draw into his sketchbook.
I didn't know him well but I did look up to him. I thought that maybe at his age I could also start doing better.
Now he is gone. He is dead. He will never get to have his own art gallery or feel right in his body.
I'll try for him now. And for all the other people that couldn't continue.
I'm glad I got to know him...
The world is moving so fast, I wish I could just sleep for a while.
Preferably in his arms. Safe and protected. Just taking a break from the world for a few days.
My body feels so heavy and my mind is drowning in thoughts. I just want some peace, even for just a few minutes.
Tw: suicide and slight mention of abuse
I seer to fucking God I can't keep doing this, I just can't. I don't want to be here.
Why does everything feel so intense? Why is everything too much for me? Why is it hard to just exist?
I just want to feel safe again. I don't want to lay in bed and be scared of something? I don't even know what I'm scared of?
I need someone who can protect me, someone who would protect me. Someone to stay by my side while I fight.
This is my fight, but I want someone to give me some cover.
I want someone to hold me when I get too weak. I want him.
He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel better. He. Him. I want him. I- I don't know what I'm doing?
Wait, I figured out what caused this breakdown, I showered and put his shit in the laundry...
That is a silly reason and it's not the reason, more of the last straw.
Everything has just been piling up. Like a house of cards and this was the card that broke everything down.
I feel so safe with him. Why?? Like, normally I am scared of everyone. Even people that I can physically overpower. But him.
He makes me feel safe. Even tho I wouldn't stand a chance against him. I am not scared of him. When I think of him I think of strong hand, long hair and soft kisses.
All things that comfort me.
When I think about anyone else, there is always also something that scares me. My friends can blackmail me. My parents can hit me. Strangers can do terrible things to me.
I can't ignore those concerns.
With him I don't have them??
Whattt???
I don't get it, it doesn't make any sense??
I want to hug him. I want to hold him in my arms and make him feel better too...
I don't know how to comfort people. I don't know how to make him feel safe and loved.
I feel all these emotions but I can't express them, they are stuck in my throat and in my hands.
I'm too tired.