Reminder: Its Been 74 Weeks Of No Contact.

Reminder:  It’s been 74 weeks of no contact.  

I am still here carving out a future of my own.

And I can breathe freely now.

Every day I remind myself that I should mourn for the past I lost to him and not the future I think I’ve lost without him.  

Mother's Day has been an interesting time each year since my abortion. I'm in my 30s, so people often wish me Happy Mother's Day.

This year it didn't hurt.

Reminder to any of you out there facing a difficult decision: sadness and regret are not the same thing.

Sad Things.

I found a list of names. If things had been different and I had a girl, we would have called her Alice.

Some if it you never get back, either.

I think all of us who went thru long term abuse we were unable to escape from had to tear out pieces of ourselves, of our mental health, physical health, emotional health, our integrity, our personality, our life, just to stay alive, we had to trade parts of ourselves for our life and that is not something you ever forget or recover from.

What is this all about?

I don't know what has come over me but I'm feeling compelled to unblock him from Facebook. I don't want to talk, but I just want to snoop.

Nothing good will come of this. So I won't. But this compulsion hasn't hit me in almost a year. Why now?

Ah.  Some things haven’t changed

During social engagements I am either:

A) scrambling to find something to say.

B) wondering why i am/chastising myself for talking too much.

There is no happy medium. Whatever i have done is incorrect.

Saw him tonight. On his new motorcycle.

We were in her car and the windows are very tinted. There's no way he could have seen me. But it still felt like he looked me right in the eyes.

Fuck.