He Stole 13 Years From Me.

He stole 13 years from me.

That's more than 1/3 of my life; 36% to be exact. I'd have to be in my 130s for that to drop below 10%.

The math hurts.

I've started writing something. I don't know what it is yet beyond a story, but I'm pouring a lot of me into it.

I have a tendency to not finish projects, so it's unlikely that this will turn into anything. But I'll keep you posted.

Cried most of the day after work today. No idea why; jut a lot of weeping. But I've made a sizeable dent in the laundry I've been neglecting for the last month.

So... Solid D+ day I'd say.

The worst is when he did it to my parents. I felt so bad for them and ashamed of him. I don't ever need to worry about that again, and that eases some stress during the holidays.

I hope you all find some peace tonight and throughout the year to come. You deserve it.

Joyless Giving

The holidays have some truly terrible memories for me, but every year was miserable with a person like him.

Giving him gifts filled me with such dread.  He was so particular. If he didn’t like a gift, he’d tell you and he’d also berate you for being stupid. This wasn’t exclusive to me, but it was heightened to dangerous levels for me.

I would call him a spoiled brat if his hissy fits weren’t so terrifyingly violent.

Sometimes he was easy and said “This is what I want.” It may put me in debt, but at least I wasn’t going to be spit-screamed at.

Other years it was “buy me a new wardrobe” and refusing to answer follow up questions. I was panic-stricken; making the wrong decisions was Bad™, and with such vague instructions I was destined to mess something up.

I used to like giving gifts, but now I approach it with apprehension. He took the joy out of it. 

He took the joy out of everything.

Being sick is an excuse: Episode 4

Perhaps not an illness, but he loved to praise my ability to operate when exhausted.

He took the fact that I could function on 2 - 3 hours of sleep as an invitation to push those boundaries.  For two years after my secrets had been divulged he said “It’s amazing you need so little sleep” and kept me at our his house until 4 am when I had to be at work for 9am.

I eventually lost that job (after I had officially cut ties thankfully) primarily because the HR department took my cry for help as an invitation to use my situation against me.  But I can’t deny that my serious and chronic lack of sleep affected my performance.

When I said as much, I was accused of pitting my stupidity at work on him.  I functioned just fine without sleep.  I was just making excuses.

I’ve come to the conclusion that he must be painfully torn these days.

While the anti-mask/vax clusterfuck tends to also exude that xenophobic vibe that resonated deep in his poisonous soul, he had been telling me for years about how ‘man-made’ pandemics were coming and they were going to be deadly.

He’s probably showering in Lysol while jerking off to the PPC’s platform.  And then struggling with an identity crisis.