One Day I Will Find A Good One. And Then I Will Chase Them Away With My Crazy.

One day I will find a good one. And then I will chase them away with my crazy.

Add this to the pile

He used to make me park my car a block or more away from his ( once our) house. Didn't care if I was cold, carrying heavy things or leaving at 4am.

If I parked in the same spot twice in a row he would threaten to not have me over anymore.

The “kicking” in question was me telling him he downgraded. Contrary to the message above, he made sure I was aware then exactly how much I’d hurt him by hanging up on me twice and reminding me what a good man he’s been to me despite the fact that I am a horrible person.

My comment was petty, I’ll admit that. Other than that, though, I did what he loves: stroked his ego.  Keeps things peaceful, and yet, I got to wake up to this last week.

Things I worry about while I should be working.

He has so many nudes of me. So much dirt. He could ruin what is left of my life.

Repulsion and longing.

Purging old paperwork as part of my ‘self care’ routine. Lots of documents to remind me of when I used to be a functioning adult with a mortgage and electric bills and such.

So much of it with both of our names on it.

I’m fucking crying.

Those of us who have been through abuse are always leery of new people and looking for red flags of our possible next abuser.  That angry outburst in the car strike one,  the attitude in your voice when we ask a favor strike two, cursing during an argument strike three, the raising of your voice, slamming of a door, the silent treatment….. All these during a relationship with someone who has never experienced abuse may seem minimal to most people. but to those of us who were with partners who started out sweet, who professed their love one day and withheld affection the next until the entire relationship progressed into fear at the sound of their footsteps and anxiety when you hear the car pull into the driveway. These small things prick up our ears and put us on edge.  We track them, make mental notes, and pull away for fear you too will turn on us.  I’d say it isn’t easy being with someone like me, I have been referred to as an abused puppy, waiting to be kicked as I am always on guard and expecting the floor to drop out beneath me.  Just a word of advice to any well meaning person entering into a relationship with someone who has been abused, don’t waste our time. If you know you have a temper, if you know you can be cold or impatient, move on, we need someone kinder than you, we need patience and understanding.  Know it is going to take time, possibly a lot of time, for us to heal and trust and expecting acceptance and love and tenderness from a partner is not to much to ask.