it's my drama. appreciate my flaws & learn from my mistakes. it's okay to cry your heart out but don't forget that there's always a second chance. be strong but don't forget to be yourself. you can be wild and carefree but don't forget to be serious at times. oh remember to laugh too! life is amazing and unfair at the same time... deal with it even if it's not the reality that you wanted!
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Day46 Of This Battle: I Am All Alone Now.
Day46 of this battle: i am all alone now.
She left me. She left me. She left me. It is so unfair! I wish everything did not happened. It is all too much. I do not know if i can still make it because the only person who loves me left me. I will never get to see her, talk to her, hug her, kiss her. She didn't me a chance to let her know how much i love her. She left me. I wasn't able to tell her that i miss her so much and that i really love her. I wasn't able to see her for the last time. I wasn't to say my sorry. She left me. I am so afraid right now. I do not know what i should do now. I only want to be with her. I wanna go to Philippines right now. I want to bring stop the time andgo back to the past when we were still together. Unlike now, there is nothing left for me. She left me. I still have a lot of things to tell her. I still have plans i want to do to make her happy. I still want to see her, hear her laugh or even yell at me, talk to her before we sleep, eat her food, feel how much she loves me. But i don't think it is still possible. She left me now. I am alone now. We lost her battle. I am so angry at myself for not being there for her until the last time. I am so useless. I hate myself for not doing anything for her. What's the use of crying if i can't see her anymore?! What is the meaning of living this life when the reason is already gone? Tell me what i should do after this. What should i do when she left me already???
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Day 21 of this battle: the diagnosis.
The traitor, cancer, is my enemy. Stage 4 of colon cancer. Why???? Why does this have to happen to Umpe?? She doesn't deserve this! She doesn't need to suffer because all her life she gave up everything until nothing is left for her self. Why is God being so unfair to her? Why does God kept giving her challenges? She doesn't need them. Umpe does not deserve it. Nobody does! What will happen now? Every seconds, i feel like i am running out of time to spend with her. Me being a thousand miles away from Umpe kills me. I wish I am next to her. I want to be there for her. I want to take care of her. I don't want to lose more chances of being with her. I want to spend more memories with her. I have to be there for her. We will win this battle. We have to. And i will make sure of it.
until when do i have to fake a smile when we all know i can't do it anymore?
FML! i never thought this day will come. it is so depressing and heart breaking. i feel so lonely and so weak. it seems like i spend my time everyday crying and zoning out. whenever i get a chance to laugh, i feel so guilty coz i know she isn't happy today. i try to not make my family worried about me. i try to smile, yes a fake smile, a smile without a meaning... but it is the best that i can offer to them as of now. i try my best to look happy in front of them. i try not to let a single drop of tear fall from my eyes... i guess it is working.
but what about when i am alone? when i am all by myself?
i still try to hold back my tear. i still try not let a muffle of cry escape from me. i try my hardest to be and to act strong even if no one is watching... even if i am all by myself... even if no one can hear me or see me.
right now, i am really scared. i don't want my worse fear to happen at all. i don't want to lose any of my loved ones. i don't want any of them to feel any pain. i don't want any of them to suffer. i am so scared of what tomorrow has to offer to me. if i can stop the time, i would definitely do it.
i can't always put on a fake smile. and tonight, i asked myself until when am i gonna put on this smile? i am on the point right now where i am so confused, so hopeless, so weak and ready to cry my heart out. but i can't. i can't coz i don't have any right to cry, to be weak and to feel relieved.
until when do i have to fake my smile?
Day 28 of this battle: My letter for Umpe tonight, i wrote a short letter for Umpe. i tried putting humor coz i don't want her tocry while reading it. i tried to put everything i wanted to tell her but also tried not to make her worried and lonely. i hope through this short letter, i can make her happy and ease her pain. i hope my message for her will make her feel how much i wanted to be with her right now... I love you, Umpe! Always and forever. I miss you a lot too. I hope you'll feel better asap and you'll win over this battle...