Life Is Unfair; K!ll Yourself Or Get Over It

“Life is unfair; K!ll yourself or get over it”

CW: MENTAL HEALTH STUFF, SUICIDE, PSYCH WARDS, VENT, THE PUMPKIN THE GENTLEMAN AND MELANIE MARTINEZ SITUATION

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Being mentally ill as a minor and rarely getting the proper help for it is genuinely traumatizing.

I just started school the week after I got sent to the psych ward, and it's been so stressful to have to deal with trying to re-integrate myself into society, and I feel like I'm back where I started a couple of weeks ago. And I feel horrible about it.

I'm back to being on the internet non-stop, which means I'm having to constantly see shit related to the pumpkin the gentleman and Melanie Martinez situations and constantly arguing with people over it, and I've had to switch to taking different ADHD medications, because apparently my insurance doesn't cover my last medications, and it's $40 a refill, and since I was left unmedicated for the past two weeks, I've been struggling to pay attention in school, and it's really setting me off. And it doesn't help that I got forced to go off my anxiety medications because it was causing my mood swings to get worse..

I hate being mentally ill. I hate having people actively avoid me over my mental illness, I hate constantly thinking about killing myself, I hate having all of my thoughts be jumbled around all of the time, I hate how I hurt people and can't do anything to stop it, I hate myself so much, I hate it all.

Therapy was supposed to be a fresh start in my life, but I guess it doesn't matter how many "starts" I get. It all ends the same.

There's always something that messes it up and suddenly I'm back to doomscrolling on tiktok for hours at a time and mass-blocking all of my friends when something happens between us. It's draining and awful to go through almost every day.

And the fact that my bpd symptoms have gotten to the point where I'm hurting people over it makes it worse, because then it makes people hate me even more, and I've lost a lot of friends over it (I miss those friends btw)

I just wish I could go back to the psych ward, I was so much happier there and I didn't have to worry about all of this 24/7/365.

TW: VENT, SUICIDE, THE YANDEREDEV SITUATION, INTERNALIZED ABLEISM, GROOMING

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I should probably just kill myself atp.

Anytime I actually get interested in something, I always fuck it up and I ruin it for everyone.

Just today, I talked about how the situation regarding yandereDev has been giving me panic attacks because of how frustrating it is to keep seeing how he's a groomer and stuff (even if I don't want to hear about it at all), and I had completely forgotten that on the server I said this in, it's against the rules to mention it, and then I got banned and yandereDev blocked me.

So yeah, that killed my yandere simulator hyperfixation.

Why the fuck am I even like this?? Why can't I just be fucking normal for once in my god damn life, why do I have to ruin every fucking opportunity to make friends by doing something stupid, JUST WHY??

Atp, I'm considering suicide as a last option, I can't take it anymore. My medications don't do Jack shit except make me feel worse, I only see my therapist once a week, and anytime I think I'm getting better, something comes over to fucking ruin it, and i-- I FUCKING HATE IT!

I just thought that maybe, just MAYBE, if I try to help yandereDev, if I tried to find a solution to his issues and possibly save him, then maybe, I'll finally be worth something to someone.

And maybe I'll finally be loved and treated right...

But I guess that doesn't matter, cause now he's gone, and there's nothing I can do to win his trust now.

I fucking hate being mentally retarded....

CW: SUICIDE, PSYCH WARDS AND ABLEISM (including internalized ableism)

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I hate having BPD so much.

Anytime I have an issue in my life, people always find a way to blame me for it or just dismiss it in general, either that or pity me to the point that it feels infantalizing, and nowhere do people even try to listen to me when I'm struggling.

Just this morning, I woke up with some really fucked up thoughts about me killing myself and people yelling and shit, and that caused me to dissociate pretty harshly to the point I was just sitting in my room in my PJs, and my mom saw me and yelled at me for not getting ready, and she slammed the door and called me lazy for not going to school.

I hate having my emotions invalidated so much, it hurts. I just wished someone fucking listened to me..

And god forbid I show a trait of bpd that they don't like, because I'm then told that it's my fault that I'm struggling, and honestly I just want to kill myself atp.

Also, I hate having to worry about if people actually care for me or if they want me dead. Logically I know they care, but because I don't get attention from them 100% of the time, I'm starting to have the mentality that they aren't my friends.

It's genuinely so Isolating that it fucking hurts. I'm a fucking attention seeker and one day it's gonna fuck me over so badly.

I hate pulling these extreme stunts for the slightest bit of affection, I hate being unstable, I hate it all.

And probably the worst part: I'll probably never recover from this, basically meaning that unless I kill myself now, I'll be living like this for the rest of my life.

I've tried everything, getting a hobby, journaling, medications, therapy, HELL, even the god damn psych ward. Yet all of my attempts to get better have failed me time and time again.

I don't even know why I haven't killed myself yet despite all of this. Maybe I'm just a pussy, idk.

Someone PLEASE end my suffering...

i think the worst part of your mental health being fucked up in a nonstereotypical way is im not even suicidal i just gotta live like this because i cant relate to any human person but im also not a pussy so i dont wanna die about it

Autistic Social Trauma

Autistic Qualia