When I Opened Up About

When I opened up about

my depression, my ex boyfriend

told me to get an exorcism

Yeah, if I remember it now

I can only laugh

and at the same time,

feel aghast at the ignorance

not just of my ex boyfriend

but of everyone else

who could not stop

the stigma that if you're

depressed, it's probably

because

you don't pray enough

that's why your mind

is so messed up like

paint splatters

Here's the thing, I pray

more than I should

kneel, hands clasped

tightly together as though

my whole life depends on

how firm my fingers could hold

on to one another, lips trembling,

trying to mumble pleas of guidance

to the Almighty, over and over

until I am certain that I am heard

Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt

His divine providence, but just as my anxiety

makes me go back to make

sure I left the door locked, I pray

five times a day to be sure my cries

reach the heavens

I pray harder than anyone I've ever

come across because I don't

wanna lose any chance to be cured

But then the demons still loom

inside my head, they managed

to make it their kingdom

You know one time, I was talking

to a dear friend and he told me,

"it's all in the mind"

My whole being sighed as I tried

to break free from the clutches,

the hands pushing my head deep

into the water, it's all in the mind,

my emotions aren't real

and if I could just snap out of it

then everything would be smooth

sailing, I am just sad

but my mind tends to intensify

that sadness, I overthink every

single thing even the ones I can't

control, and most often than not,

the sinking feeling leads me

to the decision that I am worthless

Grab a razor, a pin, a pair of scissors

anything sharp enough to cut

through my flesh so I could

bleed the negativities out

It's all in the mind, I try to

incorporate it in my mantra

However, just like the prayers

I say five time a day,

it does not work its magic trick on me

They told me I am merely an attention seeker

I am young and always in need of validation

That I always magnify my emotions

to their extremities

So I pull the sleeve of my cardigan

to cover the razor cuts, put on

a smile, okay I look dreadfully fine

The teacher calls me out, "sweetie

isn't it a little hot to be wearing

a cardigan?"

I tell her I am feverish as I feel

sweat dripping at my back

She'll leave me alone

like all of those who are

scared to meet me in the eye

but ended up judging me

I hear too many whispers

behind me, I say I don't mind

but I do, who wouldn't?

I just wish I could run

somewhere or could

disappear before the

stories catch up with me

My mother said I should ignore

people's opinion

for they don't define me, I do

But mama, the words crawl

on my bedroom wall, their

venom stain the pictures hanging,

the curtain, the floor

The noise becomes louder

drowning my heatbeat,

I put a hand over my chest,

It's time to pray again

I pray, pray harder than I used to

Beseech the heavens

to calm the waves devouring me

I repeat the mantra, seventy-seven times

It's all in the mind but the agony

is the realest I've ever felt in this life

I pull my cardigan, I can't bear to see

the cuts this time

I've been addicted long enough

to the sticky blood gushing

It's useless, for the real wound

is invisible

It's invisible

yet mighty enough to shrink

me into an insignificant mess

They all advised me to open up

so I can breathe

But, when I opened up about

my depression, my ex boyfriend

told me to get an exorcism

I am glad I didn't

-when i wore a cardigan at the height of summer, katie

image: https://id.pinterest.com/pin/730849845781054640/

as long as we do not die,

darling there'll be words

to stain blank sheets of paper

piled on your empty desk waiting

to be reunited with your pen,

there'll be stories about the night

we sat at the porch reminiscing

how we used to be good friends,

ah, cool, old days, we could not stop

talking as though the world is going

to end the next morning, you told me

how much you wished to wrap

your arms around me that afternoon I

was feeling under the weather,

there'll be tales to be told,

songs to be hummed,

poems to be recited,

darling, there'll be ample of words

to be written, so i'll let you fall

deeper into silence and revel

in the pangs if it soothes you

as long as we do not die,

there'll be stars twinkling

above us as we lean

for that last kiss.

-katie,

18th April 2021, 15:36

It's been a while. I am thrilled to be back to make this announcement: My poetry book, Sweet Nothings is NOW AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE!

"May the heart, in its exhaustion, remember to rest and indulge into the sweet memories of love songs resounding from its yesteryears.

These are the soft rambles that filled your mind as you lay awake in bed at the early hours of dawn. Those austere longings that snared your heart, relentless as the wind blowing on the trees, swift as the waves kissing the sand, tenacious as the rain chiming in with the beat of the music coming from your stereo, they are here—neatly scribbled and compiled into an anthology. These are your stories. The love notes you hastily jotted down at the last page of your high school textbook, the poems you composed during your weekend getaways, the letters you struggled to ink on stationeries while ardently wishing that one day, the love of your life will find and read them.

They are finally here. The long walks on the beach. The late-night conversations. The sultry kisses at the back seat of your car. The lingering glances. The love songs. The promises. The sweet nothings! They are all here, captured in prose and poetry. So, dear reader, bury your nose on the pages with utmost gusto. Whether you are a sojourner, a bold and willing settler, or a classic runaway in love, you’ve had your own share of sweet nothings, I am sure. Allow yourself to remember. Allow yourself to rediscover your youth, relive the love stories that ended, make peace with the pains they caused. Above all, allow yourself to breathe and celebrate the love stories that won over the years and stayed."

Get your copy through the following links:

Ukiyoto All Versions - https://www.ukiyoto.com/product-page/sweet-nothings

Amazon eBook - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09WH8PMWN

Amazon Paperback - https://www.amazon.com/dp/9354904491

if i pass away,

my pen will mourn me longer

than my friends will ever do in a lifetime

it will sit cold on my study table,

its own bereavement fester

with the lifeless body buried somewhere

reeking of lost poetry

an ocean of mystery that seems

unsolvable now that the lead vanished

like smoke

it will try to recollect the words

it used to scribble

and the emotions they carry

it will marvel at the depth of the scars

that resonate on the seemingly flawless pieces,

how many times in a day did i survive

the pangs before i decided the culmination

of a barren life

such a tragedy that it could only lie there

thinking of the past as its yearning

to be held burns with the candlestick

-mourn me longer,

katie, 16th of July 2021, 16:45

I grew up believing

unicorns exist.

Now that you're here,

arms wrapped tightly

around my waist

as I wake,

I learned to believe

forever exists too.

-love and unicorns,

katie, 01:23

"May the heart, in its exhaustion, remember to rest and indulge into the sweet memories of love songs resounding from its yesteryears.

These are the soft rambles that filled your mind as you lay awake in bed at the early hours of dawn. Those austere longings that snared your heart, relentless as the wind blowing on the trees, swift as the waves kissing the sand, tenacious as the rain chiming in with the beat of the music coming from your stereo, they are here—neatly scribbled and compiled into an anthology. These are your stories. The love notes you hastily jotted down at the last page of your high school textbook, the poems you composed during your weekend getaways, the letters you struggled to ink on stationeries while ardently wishing that one day, the love of your life will find and read them.

They are finally here. The long walks on the beach. The late-night conversations. The sultry kisses at the back seat of your car. The lingering glances. The love songs. The promises. The sweet nothings! They are all here, captured in prose and poetry. So, dear reader, bury your nose on the pages with utmost gusto. Whether you are a sojourner, a bold and willing settler, or a classic runaway in love, you’ve had your own share of sweet nothings, I am sure. Allow yourself to remember. Allow yourself to rediscover your youth, relive the love stories that ended, make peace with the pains they caused. Above all, allow yourself to breathe and celebrate the love stories that won over the years and stayed."

-Sweet Nothings,

Ana Grasya

Avail a copy through the following links:

Google Play - https://books.google.co.in/books/about?id=-xhmEAAAQBAJ&redir_esc=y

Ukiyoto All Versions - https://www.ukiyoto.com/product-page/sweet-nothings

Ukiyoto Philippines (for those in the Philippines only) - https://www.ukiyotophilippines.com/product-page/sweet-nothings