Five More Minutes,

Five more minutes,

I will watch the moon

for five more minutes

Pretend my pain

is washed away

by its gloomy light

reaching my teary eyes

I will watch it with ardor

as the ocean roars

drowning the sound

of my heart shattering

into million screaming pieces

that remind me of

the kisses I showered the wind,

thinking you're here

running your fingers

through my hair

Five more minutes

won't hurt me

so I will linger that long

Stare at the night sky

Count the stars

that twinkle and

lament those that

already consumed

themselves to dust

Savor the cool breeze

against my skin

Listen to the secrets

the ghosts whisper

in my ears: your name

bringing me back

all the memories

I refuse to bury

Five more minutes, my love

I will watch the moon

wishing you're somewhere

looking at it too

-katie, 23:53

December 15, 2019

23:30

Hey, it's me. We talked before. Now I am back to tell you more stories like I promised. My clock reads 11:30. I'm in bed, drinking my third mug of coffee. I am reading your favorite novel. It's silly but I feel nostalgic as I read it. Every chapter reminds me of you, my darling Ana. Your rawness, your beautiful flaws are all engraved in the words stained in each and every page. But before I totally lose myself in it, I feel it appropriate to ask first, how are you doing tonight? 

How are you doing there, in your time? Are you in bed reading too? Or are you in your desk writing the first line of your poem? It's something about him, isn't it? Oh don't worry, I know. 

I know that you think about love more often than you should. And you stain your notes with things associated with it. I want to tell you it's okay. It's okay to savor the moment. It's okay to fall in love. I don't know what age you are now. Maybe 16? All sweet and innocent. You know I fell in love for the first time when I was 16. Got my heart badly broken six months after I turned 18. It was a lot to go through but I survived. After that I stopped writing for a while. 

They say heartbreak makes a poet. Well it made me numb. I never loved again after I got my heart broken for the first time. I watched my shattered pieces,millions of screaming pieces bleeding on the floor. I spent years trying to mend me. But wholeness seemed evanescent. Lovers came and went, I taught myself to pretend. For years I rolled thousands of I love you's on my tongue while I felt so empty. So empty I wondered if anything could ever fill me up again. For something in me has died that day he ruined my faith in love and destiny. 

But he's a lovely memory. I never regretted loving him. He taught me how to sway in gaiety and laugh with the daffodils. He has to leave all right, and life was never the same. I began drinking when I was 19. I theorized liquor could drown my feelings, wash them all away. Since then I couldn't stop drinking. I took shots after shots as the crowd applaused me until I pass out cold. I was young and broken and stupid. Above all, I was numb. 

At 23, I became totally cynical. I took love for granted. Love took me for granted in return. I played fire like a fire dancer. I got burned but never minded the scars. I slept with lions but never feared death. Those moments, I was gladly signing my death sentence. At 25 I was totally addicted to loneliness. I began dining alone. I began doubting promises. I began driving people to the wall. I began breaking hearts. 

Are you still there?  I hope I am not scaring you with my stories. If I disturbed your poem writing, I'm deeply sorry. I just want to feed you tales. Tales you will search in your mind as precedents, before you make a decision sooner or later. Before you catch fire and burn. Before you catch cold and die. You know they always say, look before you leap. Well I say, listen to all these tales I keep. They waited years to be told. 

I was 27 when I realized it's time. It's time to  lower my guards down. It's time to trust love again. But that one person worthy of everything that I am never came until I was 28. And you know, when I caught a glimpse of him for the first time, I fell dazed. The familiarity was striking. The smile, the voice, the scent, oh it's him. He's the one I've been waiting. I looked at him and the world around me stopped. Everything else stopped. All of a sudden, it's just him and me. Even the cacophony fell silent to hear my heart drum erratically. It was surreal. 

We've been going out for months now and it always feels like the first time. It's crazy but I am head over heels in love with him. And you know what's even crazier, I actually got drank one Saturday to tell him what I feel. Oh, don't laugh at me. It's a clumsy move I know. But I was too nervous like a teenager. Too nervous I can't even act cool when he's around. 

Anyway, I hope you're happy my darling Ana. But if you're somewhere trapped between the devil and the deep blue sea, don't fret. Whatever it is that you're facing in your time, trust me there'll be better days. Tears are temporary. You will feel whole and loved again. If you're currently tearing yourself apart, don't revel too much in the pangs of brokenness. But if you have to, remember it isn't the end. Love will find you, slowly, eventually... 

Sorry I took a little of your time to tell you things you will later discover. You can go back to your poem writing now. Write about him, your love at the moment. Pour all your emotions, ink your diary with words that describe him. You will read them one day as I do now. And you will smile. But I would like you to know, your masterpieces will come years later. When you're 29 and start to write passionately about the man I told you about tonight. 

Wait for him. He will come. 

All my love, 

Your older self

Plot twist: I MARRIED HIM. 💗

-katie, 15:14

We both got what we wanted.

Except each other.

-katie

life f***d me so hard

now i am pregnant

at the mercy of fatigue

and morning sickness,

i dream of galaxies

far away,

of stars burning out,

of white holes emerging

entities from one dimension

to a newer, greener one

i conceived hope

from tears

my grey sky shed

here in my womb

a new possibility was implanted

i watch blood spots stain

the clean linen I wear,

remind myself of the gift

throbbing in my veins

life f****d me so hard

now i am finally pregnant

after years of being barren,

lurking in the dark woods,

marveling at the depth of

the wounds i try so hard

to conceal,

the wrist cuts gaping

like angry openings but never

allowed air to fill my lungs

i suffocate, shatter in the corner

grit my teeth, bite my lips

to keep me from screaming

silence is comforting they say

and i drank too much of it

isolated from the rest of the world,

i am a pariah

who crawl the earth,

taste the saltiness of my sweat,

swallow the dirt

i lure death to my private chamber

he evaded me

but from time to time he visits

the farthest

reaches of my memory

he is not mine to summon

i can only wish solace

from the swing of his sword

so life flirted with me

it was a magical moment

romance quickly blossomed from

my famished mouth,

a miracle mushrooming from

my aching breasts,

it urged me to believe love always wins

though i never had the chance

to taste victory no matter how fierce i called

its name from the void, love

is an illusion meant to

manipulate us in our most

vulnerable state

life used love to tame me

i was at its beck and call

i've lain on a bed of roses

for ten moons or so

woke at the light kisses of zephyr,

greeted by the warm strokes of the sun

i was happy until the waves grew

rough, devouring me

i fell unconscious from the blows

gained scars from the wars

i waged in my head

life f*****d me so hard

it was an excruciating night

i lost my pride

i lost my dignity

now i am pregnant

after enduring barrenness,

and frustration,

and pain

i am pregnant with faith

with hope,

with courage,

with new potentials

i harnessed from

the belligerent storms

the world sent

to prevent me from going home

-new beginning,

katie, 19:20

Blood and Poetry on Twitter

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I was never a halcyon sea

but you calmed my waves

with songs

I've never heard before.

-katie,13:10

It's been a while. I am thrilled to be back to make this announcement: My poetry book, Sweet Nothings is NOW AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE!

"May the heart, in its exhaustion, remember to rest and indulge into the sweet memories of love songs resounding from its yesteryears.

These are the soft rambles that filled your mind as you lay awake in bed at the early hours of dawn. Those austere longings that snared your heart, relentless as the wind blowing on the trees, swift as the waves kissing the sand, tenacious as the rain chiming in with the beat of the music coming from your stereo, they are here—neatly scribbled and compiled into an anthology. These are your stories. The love notes you hastily jotted down at the last page of your high school textbook, the poems you composed during your weekend getaways, the letters you struggled to ink on stationeries while ardently wishing that one day, the love of your life will find and read them.

They are finally here. The long walks on the beach. The late-night conversations. The sultry kisses at the back seat of your car. The lingering glances. The love songs. The promises. The sweet nothings! They are all here, captured in prose and poetry. So, dear reader, bury your nose on the pages with utmost gusto. Whether you are a sojourner, a bold and willing settler, or a classic runaway in love, you’ve had your own share of sweet nothings, I am sure. Allow yourself to remember. Allow yourself to rediscover your youth, relive the love stories that ended, make peace with the pains they caused. Above all, allow yourself to breathe and celebrate the love stories that won over the years and stayed."

Get your copy through the following links:

Ukiyoto All Versions - https://www.ukiyoto.com/product-page/sweet-nothings

Amazon eBook - https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09WH8PMWN

Amazon Paperback - https://www.amazon.com/dp/9354904491