Depression Poetry - Tumblr Posts

I did the dishes tonight while humming a Taylor Swift song. I know it's nothing huge and that some of you may be raising an eyebrow. 'She did the dishes tonight and she's writing about it. As if we care!'. Yes, that's the thing. I know you won't care. Not a bit. But I am writing about it in the same enthusiasm as you writing about your cat, that walk you took in the woods with the friend you secretly love, your dreams, your bucket list, the tasks that you need to accomplish, your pet peeves. 

Eight months ago, I wouldn't have minded the mountain of plates and mugs piled in the sink. I would lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and be somber. I would imagine myself wandering in an unknown forest. And that's it. That's all I could do: Imagine. I would fall asleep and forget about the bath I was running at the tub. I would wake to a drenched bathroom floor, clean off the mess and lie awake until 5 am. An arduous battle would commence between me and my mind. I would lose as I always do. Then I would go back to bed.

At 9 am, I would be too lethargic to get up. My cellphone would ring and the name on the screen would make me smile. Him-the only string that ties me to sanity. We would talk for a while, about everything and nothing. He would tell me about how sound he has slept and I would lie. I would try to make my nightmares seem like beautiful dreams that stole away my sense of reality for a night. I would make a cup of coffee and forget about breakfast. The conversation would become romantic, the kind that I indulge myself into so I could believe life is still worth living. That the sweet nothings worth every pain.

I would sit in my living room, try to make out the shadows prancing like restless sojourners from another lifetime. They would remind me about how I don't fit in this era and I would fall deeper into melancholy. This time, the heaviness would force me to mount the stairs like a wounded animal. I would lock myself inside my room, turn the music really loud so I could drown my heart, my emptiness, my exhaustion. I would cry a little. The effort would drain me. So I would lie on the floor, scroll endlessly on my phone. I would try to deny that I am depressed. I would try to deny that I exist.

When the inspiration strikes, I would type a poem. Another poem for me, for him, for someone I do not know but is feeling the same pain. I would imagine him somewhere in the wilderness, gasping for air as he sinks in his own misery. The poem will grow longer than intended as words gush out in a long queue of ghosts demanding to be inked for posterity. I would not hold anything back. I would type until my fingers become as numb as my barely beating heart. I would kiss my fingers and beg for forgiveness. Then my eyes would wander off to the window, lose my concentration into the pouring rain, and I would cry again.

Eight months, I was hiding in the void. If I came out at all, it was for me to immerse myself in the crowd so I could remember how it feels to be alive. Eight months, I never bothered to clean the mess in my dreary apartment. The dusty furniture, the cobwebs, the half torn curtains became my only company and they watched me suffer series of breakdowns. The bathroom witnessed how I struggled against taking my own life. The cold dinner table heard issues I refused to discuss with anyone. The bedroom watched me intoxicate myself as sleep became evanescent. Alcohol became my confidant. It became my lithium. And the window pane? It knows all of my secret longings. It stood by me as I waited for someone, anyone to drop by and perhaps, stop me from cutting my wrist.

Eight months, I never thought of doing anything normal. Eight months, I forgot I was human. Eight months, the sink resembled my life—disorganized, filthy, hideous and despairingly lacked future. Eight months, I stretched myself too thin, I broke like a thread. Eight months, I was luring death to take me. Eight months, I never did the dishes.

And so tonight, I want to write about how I stood before the sink, slowly picked up the sponge as Cardigan filled the background. And I hummed and hummed until the dishes were clean. It may be nonsensical to you, but to me, it was huge. It was me crawling my way back to redemption. It was me relearning forgiveness. It was me giving life a second chance.

It was me embracing FREEDOM!

-katie,

12th of June 2021, 18:25

Image: https://pin.it/6bVgzsz

God Bless Me 🕊️ (my soft goth style look book and emo girl poem reading)

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my poem:

Why does no one like me?

Am I not pretty

Was I easier to love when I was 13

Scruffy face and soft thighs

Rigid thoughts and crooked teeth

I’m fixated on someone who isn’t alive

Dreaming of a better me

Leaves me feeling lonely

Ripped soles, ripped soul

I’m already bleeding

Jab the steel in deeper

Fingers like metal

Cold and boney

Artificial Intelligence

What’s the point of living

Don’t mind me

I forgot the world exists outside of me sometimes

Shy and nervous

I’m scared and anxious

Just ignore me

I forget there’s other people breathing

Don’t wanna be seen

Stop looking at me

I’m fake hair and too much eyeliner

Walking past the beach

I’m used to puddles and jagged streets

Never been somewhere where I could just be me

Stare at me but I just don’t care

Dark Chocolate

I’m not as sweet as you think

Not as dark as I seem

My scopes so small

And my eyesights pretty bad

I’m pretty in the mirror

Behind the digital camera

But never in person

Kiss me til I can’t feel my toes

Heaven Is For Real

Ain’t just a movie

Living in hell

Is just another Tuesday for me

Who wears boots to the beach?

A hipster wannabe

Is all I’ll ever be

But hey, at least the boys think I’m sexy

Dirty blondes

Oversized tank tops

Sweaty, so shiny

You’re the highlight of my day

I wish I could be under you

As I pass by with my head down

Dodging eyeballs

As if they were bullets

I don’t give smiles out for free

Unless you entice me

Little kids building sand castles

As big brother kicks them down

That’s life for you

God loves you

But only on Sundays

Melted ice cream

I’m dripping for you too

I can’t accept your drink

I don’t let my guard down just for anybody

Unless a paycheck is involved

I only see me

And I’m not used to giving in

Expensive Prescriptions

Big fake teeth

We don’t belong here

Yet i try so hard to fit it

In a place so temporary

Would god mind if we shared a sin?

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poem: God Bless Me by dark baby, (2023).

An-o-rexic Feelings 💋 (my eat-ing-dis-order and trauma poem reading and thrift store style look book)

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my poem:

Anorxxic palm trees

Just like me

Black streets and smokey eyes

No one’s out at this time

Midnight is our sunrise

I’ll take your breath

If you ignite me

Light me up, til I burn alive

Fire in my hands

Warmth in my eyes

I’m not so dead inside

I play empty

To

Forget my regret

Let us remember ourselves tonight

Never been the Barbie doll

Was never skinny enough

And god I’ve tried

Skip my meals

And throwing them up

All the boys I shared

All the men I kissed

Counting my sins

I lose count after 3,000

Does God Think I’m A Slvt?

What’s the point of dreaming

When we can make them come true

I’ll be your secret wish

Pull me in and I’ll show you

All what I can do

I started early, and not by choice

Morphed me into something dirty

But I’m Somebody’s Dream

So what do you say

Wanna take a bite out of this Rotten Cherry

I’m loose with my body

I’ve been around

Everyone’s gotten a taste

I’m not worn out, just lived in

Stuck in my skin

Let me out

With a few inches and a shout

The ultimate sin

Love Before Marriage

Mommy’s Mistake

So I guess you can be my daddy

If you get cold

I’ll lend you my coat

Know you’ll love my perfume

I only spray half the bottle

Cat Calls from across the street

Burnt foil and broken glass on the floor

Welcome Home

Fuck toxic positivity and comatosed living

Taking selfies in the sunlight

God doesn’t have a bed time

So why should I?

I gotta brain

But forget to use it

Burden to everybody

How the hell do I get by

Ducking my head

As I chase the pavement

The only type of guys that want me

Kiss me with their eyes closed

And leave just as fast as they come

They come and they come

But never stay

What do i expect

I don’t even know how to drive

Without causing a traffic jam

Such a shame for the good guys who want a housewife pet

I don’t know how to clean, unless I’m angry and OCD

I wake up with glitter all over my face

Lipstick on my tooth brush

I keep swiping left and right

Scrolling the boredom away

Maybe this one can change my life

Calling a dead number

A disconnected pay phone

God only answers if you plead

That’s what I was taught

Live in fear

Bask in angst

Never use his name in vain

But god are you really always listening?

I wait for your heads up

A nudge on the shoulder

A “this songs playing just for me”

I’m sorry for wasting my youth

But how does one measure growth if not in size

I promise I’m not a waste of a life

Not dead beat like my dad

Forgive me as I light this gentle flower

For some false power

“Forgive me”

I say in my mind

To get me to sleep

Living as River Phoenix

In that gay movie

Making a quick buck with my little tricks

The lead role in nobody’s movie

Tell me the camera loves me

Give me a reason to wear my pretty

I’ll stay open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

If you undress me with words like poetry

But I’m not studied

But I’ll let you study me

I don’t wanna change but I’ve changed

Still as young as yesterday

Still as naïve as tomorrow

You try to see the good in everything

I just see the truth

I’m not playing ball

Acting like god chose me

Or did I trap myself?

In a body

Once again

Another lifetime of wasted potential

Can’t waste my youth this time

Don’t wanna die old

But it’s written in the stars for me to live til I’m like 80

Just like my granddaddies

A generational curse

A karmic gift

To age with beauty

Or change your name and start from scratch

I’ll be your dark baby

But c’mon I’m way too pretty to be treated like a piece of f-cking meat

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poem: An-o-rexic Feelings by dark baby, (2023).

You and me forever

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I never been to the beach

I envy the sea

I wish i was as free as the birds

Even them, they must obey the wind

Sweet sand, cover me fully

Warm sun-kissed skin

Bronze me and leave me lovely

Kiss me quickly

Like a wave, i move on swiftly

At my own pace

Til i give in

Her Majesty 🥀 (my dominant girlfriend dark poetry reading and h&m fashion model aesthetic lookbook)

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my poem:

She wears his coat

As if it’s her skin

Tears his heart

And wears it like a necklace

He’s Her’s

And she’s his territory

If skin’s just leather

“I want you to own me”, she whispers with her legs on his tatted shoulders

Used goods, vintage history

“Polish me til I bust like a chimney baby”

She loves the scent of abandoned boys in her hair

Jealous of the side chicks that call him daddy

She’s f-uking the boss and that makes them angry

Burnt but-ts in her pockets

An open condom doesn’t use itself

Everybody needs a bad mommy

If you’re too shy

She’ll take control

Keep your eyes on the road

“I’m not an amateur”

“I’m the best b-tch in town,” she smirks as she bites his cheek

Ditch the roses, they’re for the pretty ones

She only want the thorns

Pain is her pleasure

Sin is her favorite bedtime story

She’s a living fantasy

The only thing missing is her him

A bad boy with scruffed up shoes to match her tortured soul

Look at him stepping out of his beat up corvette, light me up a marlboro too

Don’t remember her name

“It’ll be easier to forget me this way,” she pleads

Her Imperial Affliction

Bruised knees, Ripped black lace

Left with a smile you can’t shake away

Her cigarettes can only distort her thoughts for so long

Some highs only come in the form of a man

“Let me do the praying

I’m told I’m pretty

When I’m on my knees

Begging for mercy

Pleasing comes natural to me

Bliss is so cheap

Cheaper than me,” she repeats like a prayer for solidarity