I Wrote This For Me - Tumblr Posts
Bloom honey, bloom
See those pretty roses?
They have thorns too
Had pierced someone
Hurt someone
But didn't sink in guilt
In life, things like that happen
You'll gonna hurt somebody
Break somebody
Well, who doesn't?
We all have that kind of days
We're loved
We're hated
Nobody is perfect
So get out of that shell
Brighten that face
And show the world
That you are capable of love too
Yes you don't always gleam
Like the sun
Sometimes you come
With a thunderstorm
But at least, honey at least
You don't fake any of it
You're authentic
You're raw
You're a mess
And because of that
You're beautiful
So like those pretty roses
Bloom honey, bloom!
-pretty roses,
Katie, 21:30
Image: Pinterest
Heart, I failed you again.
I'm sorry you broke again. And this time, I don't know if I can ever make you whole again. For you didn't just shatter into pieces. You've been burned into ashes. Unless, you're a Phoenix, there's no way I can revive you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I led you into an open combat. I'm sorry I didn't listen to your screams. I'm sorry I didn't trust you when you said we're walking into a trap. I thought you can manage. For heart, you've always managed. You've always been so strong. I counted so much on that. Even when you're losing it all, I didn't let you retreat.
I'm sorry.
It was all my fault. I led you into a battle we cannot win. I'm so sorry. I just thought he's worth it. That he's different. Now your ashes scattered about the ground say it all.
Heart, I'm sorry. I truly am.
Not a Phoenix,
Katie, 21:45
Fragments shrieking
Underneath her bed
Consuming sanity
Kindling time spent
Invincible soul
Turning cold tonight
In gloom sinking
Marching with shadows
Leaving the room
Enraged yet steady
Amidst falling debris
Varying degrees of
Incessant torment
Nothing could shake her
Gravitating towards
Nowhere she walks
On steep rocks
Wondering about the past
-Leaving tonight,
Katie, 24: 45
Image: Pinterest
Do you know where your faith lies?
If it's on things, luck or men, honey you're on your way to fail. Put your faith not on things that don't last, not on luck that is elusive, not on men who come and go as they please.
Put it on yourself. You alone can make a difference in your life. You alone can paint back the rays of sunshine in your eyes. Have faith in you, in yourself. Only then that you'll feel the winds of fortune blow in your favor.
Of faith,
Katie, 12:00
You claim your world has ended. Maybe it has. But look at you, you're still here. You may have rolled in the mud. Got your bones broken. May have fallen too deep. Bled harder than the rest of us. But you're here.
You're here. And you're breathing. And you're healing...
-breathing and healing,
katie, a time to heal
Billions of stars scattered
Countless galaxies undiscovered
Stones and dusts filling the night sky
All of which are significant
So what makes you think
That you-
Of all God's creation
Are born worthless
Apart from these objects floating
Aimlessly in the outer space?
-significant,
katie, a time to heal
@karineclaire
Love. How can I put it? It changes everything. Before it found me, I was so angry with the world. So angry that all I could think about was revenge. I became numb and cold. I became one with the walls. Unmoving. Uncaring. But so scared of tomorrow. It was preposterous that I casted fury like a villaines and tremble in fear at the same time. I've lived in the shadow of revenge. Reveled in the pangs of wrath for so long that I didn't feel I was still human. Until love found me. And it was a transforming journey. I could feel my armor falling off with my anger. I was vulnerable, exposed to the elements. At that moment, I felt change embracing me.
Love showed me the way to forgiveness. Love showed me the way to wholeness. Love showed me the way to hope. Love showed me the way to self-rediscovery.
Love showed me who I am.
-who i am,
katie, 18:45
@karineclaire
Tears lighten a burden
Tears cleanse a heart
So go on cry a river
Until the pain subsides
It's okay to break
Feel vulnerable once in a while
Don't listen to the world
Telling you it's a weakness
Crying will never be a weakness
Nor shall it define who you are
The real weakness is inability
To show yourself forgiveness
For all that you didn't accomplish
For all that you didn't become
-cry yourself a river,
katie, a time to heal
You don't know
What it's like
To stare
At the walls
For hours
And hours
Figuring out
How the clock
Ticks so loud
Screaming
A hollow sound
Dead, hollow sound
Ringing all over
Your deafness
Making you shiver
Despite your numbness
You don't know
What it's like
To hold yourself
Together because
Breaking down
Is like a drug
Tempting,
A little consoling
But destructive
So you lie there
Trying hard not to feel
Shutting the faint sound
Of blood running
In your veins
Trying hard not
To go insane
You don't know
What it's like
So stop repeating
Words I've heard
Before
For a million times
"You're gonna be fine!"
Maybe I would be
But not today
Definitely not today
-katie, 20:15
Image: Pinterest
Do not be scared out there
You are the storm
Storms don't get frightened
-katie, 16:50
@catworldss
You don't know
What it's like
To stare
At the walls
For hours
And hours
Figuring out
How the clock
Ticks so loud
Screaming
A hollow sound
Dead, hollow sound
Ringing all over
Your deafness
Making you shiver
Despite your numbness
You don't know
What it's like
To hold yourself
Together because
Breaking down
Is like a drug
Tempting,
A little consoling
But destructive
So you lie there
Trying hard not to feel
Shutting the faint sound
Of blood running
In your veins
Trying hard not
To go insane
You don't know
What it's like
So stop repeating
Words I've heard
Before
For a million times
"You're gonna be fine!"
Maybe I would be
But not today
Definitely not today
-katie, 20:15
Image: Pinterest
Do not let others dictate your destiny. Take the wheel.
-katie, 23:30
You don't know
What it's like
To stare
At the walls
For hours
And hours
Figuring out
How the clock
Ticks so loud
Screaming
A hollow sound
Dead, hollow sound
Ringing all over
Your deafness
Making you shiver
Despite your numbness
You don't know
What it's like
To hold yourself
Together because
Breaking down
Is like a drug
Tempting,
A little consoling
But destructive
So you lie there
Trying hard not to feel
Shutting the faint sound
Of blood running
In your veins
Trying hard not
To go insane
You don't know
What it's like
So stop repeating
Words I've heard
Before
For a million times
"You're gonna be fine!"
Maybe I would be
But not today
Definitely not today
-katie, 20:15
Image: Pinterest
I did the dishes tonight while humming a Taylor Swift song. I know it's nothing huge and that some of you may be raising an eyebrow. 'She did the dishes tonight and she's writing about it. As if we care!'. Yes, that's the thing. I know you won't care. Not a bit. But I am writing about it in the same enthusiasm as you writing about your cat, that walk you took in the woods with the friend you secretly love, your dreams, your bucket list, the tasks that you need to accomplish, your pet peeves.
Eight months ago, I wouldn't have minded the mountain of plates and mugs piled in the sink. I would lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and be somber. I would imagine myself wandering in an unknown forest. And that's it. That's all I could do: Imagine. I would fall asleep and forget about the bath I was running at the tub. I would wake to a drenched bathroom floor, clean off the mess and lie awake until 5 am. An arduous battle would commence between me and my mind. I would lose as I always do. Then I would go back to bed.
At 9 am, I would be too lethargic to get up. My cellphone would ring and the name on the screen would make me smile. Him-the only string that ties me to sanity. We would talk for a while, about everything and nothing. He would tell me about how sound he has slept and I would lie. I would try to make my nightmares seem like beautiful dreams that stole away my sense of reality for a night. I would make a cup of coffee and forget about breakfast. The conversation would become romantic, the kind that I indulge myself into so I could believe life is still worth living. That the sweet nothings worth every pain.
I would sit in my living room, try to make out the shadows prancing like restless sojourners from another lifetime. They would remind me about how I don't fit in this era and I would fall deeper into melancholy. This time, the heaviness would force me to mount the stairs like a wounded animal. I would lock myself inside my room, turn the music really loud so I could drown my heart, my emptiness, my exhaustion. I would cry a little. The effort would drain me. So I would lie on the floor, scroll endlessly on my phone. I would try to deny that I am depressed. I would try to deny that I exist.
When the inspiration strikes, I would type a poem. Another poem for me, for him, for someone I do not know but is feeling the same pain. I would imagine him somewhere in the wilderness, gasping for air as he sinks in his own misery. The poem will grow longer than intended as words gush out in a long queue of ghosts demanding to be inked for posterity. I would not hold anything back. I would type until my fingers become as numb as my barely beating heart. I would kiss my fingers and beg for forgiveness. Then my eyes would wander off to the window, lose my concentration into the pouring rain, and I would cry again.
Eight months, I was hiding in the void. If I came out at all, it was for me to immerse myself in the crowd so I could remember how it feels to be alive. Eight months, I never bothered to clean the mess in my dreary apartment. The dusty furniture, the cobwebs, the half torn curtains became my only company and they watched me suffer series of breakdowns. The bathroom witnessed how I struggled against taking my own life. The cold dinner table heard issues I refused to discuss with anyone. The bedroom watched me intoxicate myself as sleep became evanescent. Alcohol became my confidant. It became my lithium. And the window pane? It knows all of my secret longings. It stood by me as I waited for someone, anyone to drop by and perhaps, stop me from cutting my wrist.
Eight months, I never thought of doing anything normal. Eight months, I forgot I was human. Eight months, the sink resembled my life—disorganized, filthy, hideous and despairingly lacked future. Eight months, I stretched myself too thin, I broke like a thread. Eight months, I was luring death to take me. Eight months, I never did the dishes.
And so tonight, I want to write about how I stood before the sink, slowly picked up the sponge as Cardigan filled the background. And I hummed and hummed until the dishes were clean. It may be nonsensical to you, but to me, it was huge. It was me crawling my way back to redemption. It was me relearning forgiveness. It was me giving life a second chance.
It was me embracing FREEDOM!
-katie,
12th of June 2021, 18:25
Image: https://pin.it/6bVgzsz
