Burnout - Tumblr Posts - Page 2
Hello burnout! #art #artist #artistoninstagram #artwork #atzihbaal #burnout #darkart #drawing #illustration #ink #instaart #traditionalart
24 January 2022-Reset
Hey ya’ll!
I can’t believe it’s already almost February. I really feel like this month flew by. I’ve been all over the place since this semester started. However, I finally feel that I’ve finally settled in and have gotten used to being back in school. I had all of these tasks I had planned to accomplish during winter break that I ended up neglecting. Honestly, I was beyond exhausted and burnt out after the end of my last semester. I, pretty much, spent my entire break sleeping, playing Animal Crossing, hanging with my family, and catching up with my friends over the phone.
The funny thing is, in the past, during winter break, which is like a month long for a lot college students, I would get bored around the 2 week mark and would start looking forward to going back to school for the spring semester. However, this year, for the first time ever, I didn’t want to go back...like at all. In fact, by the 3rd week of break, I was starting to get anxious again and was absolutely DREADING going back to school. I was even wishing I had an additional week, on top of the entire month, of break. Not only because I had not completed any of the tasks I had set aside for the break, but because I was still really tired. Not just physically, but mentally as well. I’m really not sure why though. Maybe it’s because I’m entering my second (or third???) year of the pandemic. Maybe it’s the fact that last year was awful and I was still recovering from everything that happened. Maybe it’s because this spring is the last semester of my degree and I still have no idea what I want to do with my life and just wanted more time to not have to think about that. Maybe it’s because I knew how lonely I was going to be again once returning to the city I attend school. Maybe it’s a mixture of everything...and more.
Then those feelings of dread ended up turning into guilt. I felt guilty for not being more productive with my winter break. I also felt frustrated with myself, especially after realizing I now had very little time to accomplish a large amount of work by the deadline that was established prior to break. This just worsened my anxiety and dread.
I ended up, reluctantly, bringing this up with a therapist. After telling them everything I was feeling and how I wished I didn’t choose sleep over work during my break, they said something that has stuck with me and will probably stick with me for the rest of my life. They said, “Maybe you needed that break.” They then proceeded to reassure me that there was no reason to feel guilty for choosing to rest. And you know what? I agree. It took a while to get to this point, but I finally do agree with them. I mean...I still think I would have benefited from getting at least SOME of my tasks done, but it’s fine. I really did need that break. Last year left me drained and broken and I needed to use that time to rebuild myself a bit so that I could be ready for this year.
This also reminds me of what I have told friends of mine these past couple of years. “If you don’t take a break, your body is going to do it for you.” Basically, what I mean when I’ve said this is that if you’re constantly on the go and not listening to your body and taking necessary breaks, your body is going to shut down when you least expect it. When it does, it’s going to be at the most inconvenient time of your life. At that point, you will have no choice but to finally slow down a bit and take some time to recover.
I’ve decided that I really need to start applying this philosophy to myself. Not to hype myself up too much, but...sometimes I do give good advice. I just need to be more proactive with practicing what I preach.
Anyway, if you’ve made it this far in this long post (if you’re some of the new people who have followed me this past month, just to warn you...unfortunately, this isn’t going to be the last lol) thank you for taking the time to read my jumbled thoughts. I’m going to start back up with my fitness/health journey-related posts this week, now that I feel a bit more grounded. So stay tuned.
Until later, stay safe friends :)
Me trying to write stories ROMAN SANDERS EDITION
(Now including drawn picture also made by me ( ´•̥̥̥ω•̥̥̥` ))
Me trying to write stories ROMAN SANDERS EDITION
1193 words and counting. Trigger-Warning slight alluding to self-harm +negative thoughts.
That wasn’t that bad Roman tried to convince himself. He’d been through way worse right . . .? Wait was that considered a good thing. He brought his hands to his head. It had begun agonizingly pounding earlier in the day and he could feel the pressure in his ears akin to something like a buzzing sound had begun making its presence known. He felt sluggish and lethargicness crept upon him. Surely they hadn’t meant it that way. Not like their intend was hurting him. So why did he feel so . . so hurt. It was like a piece inside of him was broken off. The piece that carried all his confidence. His admittedly now feeling false bravery. The bravado that helped him conquer his less then awesome feelings. He heard creaking footsteps up the stairs and some soft whispered goodnights.
The mind palace fell empty on sound as its residents started heading to their respective beds. I should probably get some shut eye too thought Roman as he looked around his room. He hadn’t had the time or to be honest motivation to clean it up for a while now. His energy seemed to have wounded down a lot lately. He would put it down to the amount of videos they had been making. But truthfully he wasn’t very much present in them at all let alone having his ideas represented as anything less than annoying. He twirled his messy hair in between his fingers, twiddling his thumbs while rocking back and forth a bit. The silence that now protruded the vacant mind surroundings made the whining in his ears stand out all the more. He grabbed his temple and began rubbing circles on his forehead. He didn’t want things to be this way. It all felt so complicated. And like his incompetence was already making everybody uncomfortable enough. Without highlighting all his other flaws. Normally he loved the spotlight but now it made him itch.
The thought alone made him have trouble breathing. He should be more put together. How could he dream of having a grand live on the stage if he couldn’t even stand a meager spotlight. He felt woozy had his room always been this of kilter, this . . dizzying. His vision blurred had he been crying this whole time. How long . . . he tried wiping away his tears as new ones grew in their places. The clock face on his nightstand was barely legible through mist his eyes produced. It read 02:10 AM. Had he really been rummaging through his hair and been sat thinking here for this long. SHIT- Logan had a schedule he wanted to keep and he didn’t want to be tired and late for the morning meetings. Ouch . . .his head stung if it wasn’t for him feeling immobile he would have moved to pick up some painkillers for his worsening headache. Then again he didn’t wanna wake up the others by making too much sound going to find it in the cabinets below. He’d been warned before about being too noisy and off-putting when trying to practice his favorite musical songs. Keep it down Logan had yelled. Yeah will you can it with your sappy bullshit his mustachy brother had added. He’d tried whisper singing ever since. It didn’t have that much flare to it, but if it made them happier he’d be glad to be of their backs.
The inside of his head felt as if someone had knocked his brain around quite a few times. Cut all its supports out and the remaining short-circuiting heap had been set on fire as some sort of twisted fun added bonus. He sniffled rubbing the underside of his nose and eye sockets. He probably deserved it. The way he’d been performing lately was about as garbage as he felt. The clock face blinked 03:00 AM it read. No, no NO . . . this had to stop. He wasn’t even supposed to stay up again. He was exhausted it took longer than he wanted to admit to come up with his sup-par ideas as it was. He didn’t need to create more problems for himself and everyone around him. He slammed down his fist against his carpet and then recoiled in shock as he remembered he shouldn’t produce sounds this late into the night. Frustrated he dug his nails into his palm and bit on his knuckles as he closed his arms around himself. His knees seemed to tremble a bit, he noticed as he looked down. Was this the self-soothing Virgil had talked about. It didn’t seem that soothing to him.
He looked at his fingers they were cold and absent of colour apart from the stained ink and the numerous papercuts on them. He’d really been trying. It might have looked easy from the outside but ‘’It was all a Ruse’’. As Deceit would so say. More and more often he felt that it was all just too much and that balancing it was getting more impossible as it became harder to smile to himself in the mirror. What had been the last time he’d truly felt accomplished. Like he got his stuff together or at least made it look presentable enough to fool everyone. His heavy eyelids started to droop over his glossy dry red tear stained eyes until they shot up to look at his calendar.
Crap.
He’d forgot. He was so busy being fucking sorry for himself that he’d missed the big red circled due date of the upcoming script. If something had to pull him over the edge this was it he’d reached his limits. And felt surrounded. He started drawing panicked breaths heaving over on himself. He didn’t know what pounded harder his head or his chest. They were gonna be so mad at him or worse they'd be staring on in drooping disappointment as he would stand there ashamed in the corner , uneasy shuffling his feet. Patton would throw out a halfhearted it’s okay kiddo. With Thomas sighing looking away as Logan crumpled his paper up and muttered something about no respect for a proper schedule in the background, again having to adjust each and every detail in his already busily packed important planning scheme. If this was only a mild version of a so called panic attack that he’d had explained to him by Virgil. He couldn’t imagine what a full blown one must have actually felt like. He felt so sorry for the dude. How could he ever manage to put on any sense of composure if he had to have these on an at least a monthly basis. the walls felt like the were eerily closing in on him. He wanted to scream to cry out for help but only a meekly weak sob would be forced out of his throat that as the shadows in the corners of his narrowed eyes started to crop up and he lost his already faltering vision to the black surrounding his corneas. His body sunk to the ground like a melted puddle.
A loud Thud-was heard as his head slammed against the floor.
I was thinking about everything except for this period in time called “right here and now”
Happy Halloween everyone.
This year has been really rough and I’m very burnt out, so I drew the only witch I could think of.
the fact that you’re trying is a big deal. that’s all that really matters.
I just so tired of living with this constant feeling of burn out while everyone wants something from me all the time I can rarely unmask and be myself even at home and I feel like I'm going to collapse at any given moment. I want to scream and punch the wall and I wish I could cry my heart out but i can't I'm to broken inside to cry anymore. Fuck this society that makes Nerodivergent people feel like shit for just existing
Entering a depressive episode is never fun. You think about the last time this happened, but you’re too tired to remember. You’re too tired to think of any coping mechanism that you or your therapist have ever came up with. And you start to go through the motions of life on autopilot. You don’t realize you’re in this state for weeks, until someone who you care about convinces you to take a break, and you can’t even give them that. So you keep on going until what, color starts to come in again? It’s easier? You think it’s never going to get easier again, and it’s all hopeless.
So you say, “I’ll do it for him” the reason you didn’t realize You were in an episode, because he made you want to do things. And you’ll take a god damn break because missing one day of your life being an anxious pile of goo is what you deserve. You deserve a break.
Am I wasting my talents??
YES HONEY, YOU ARE