D3pressed - Tumblr Posts
The constant battle in my head
between
wanting to die so I could stop bothering everyone
and
not wanting to die because then why did i put them through all of my sh*t
I'm so pathetic I wanna throw up
I want all of these thoughts to end
I don’t deserve to die.
Not because I deserve to live.
But because I don’t deserve the sweet release of death.
Okay so I wrote something while my last mental breakdown and I wanted to show you. So here it is and take care!
———————————————————————
I know you dont want to loose youre little sister.
All these night appart,
the number grew more and more.
Like my desire to evermore,
Se your smile and stop the frown.
Even though sometimes I feel like a clown.
Until I go to slumber,
Where I fulfil my desire.
Where I stopped feeling
The strange emotions that I can’t deceiver
Where I stopped hurting
By the reality that bring me to oblivion
Where I feel liberated
From the rotten world we created
When I wake up the numbness comes back.
Like a mountain on my back.
But don’t worry,
For I am inspired by your audacity.
Your strong head is something that I admire.
For I can’t start my fire.
My anxiety causes a war in me.
Where my army has be
And is no more.
For my demons heretofore,
We’re just pixie dust from tinker bell.
However now, they are an alarm bell.
Forgive me sister,
For I know I’m a bother
With my self destructive ways
And my long silences.
Dear sister you need to know
I’m just not myself.
But I don’t know who myself is anymore.
I’m nostalgic of a childhood I never had. Of a parent that was never mine. Of a comfort that was never there. Of a inner peace that I never had.
How do you expect me to build my future without the foundation of my past?
What have I done to have all this hurt inside me ?
Today is my birthday. I don’t particularly like my birthday. In fact, I hate it. I don’t like to be reminded that I’m alive and real. It forces me to acknowledge that time passes and im still broken inside. That I have not gotten any better. i dont feel older, in fact i still feel like a child hiding under my bed.