Spideypool - Tumblr Posts

Only you, my girl, only you, babe Only you, darling, only you, babe

Spideypool shippers, draw Peter like an actual adult man and not a teen boy challange, GO!

does whatever a spider can (except feelings, those suck)

A work I did a couple years ago and am thinking about starting up again - let me know your thoughts :) any feedback is appreciated!

Read on AO3: does whatever a spider can (except feelings, those suck) (4421 words) by writingbyraine

Waiting to get lunch with his unofficial superhero partner, Izuku didn't expect to be teleported into another reality with his kind-of-sort-of-not-really-boyfriend. Especially to a reality where they were kind-of-sort-of-rivals-but-also-friends.

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“What the fuck?”

Izuku heard his own voice ring through his ears. His eyes couldn’t leave the group that stood in front of them. Underneath his mask, his mouth fell agape, words failing him. His eyes darted from person to person, instinctively counting them until his eyes fell upon, well - Kacchan. His hair was the same spiky blonde and his eyes the same piercing red, but he was a bit shorter and his shoulders weren’t quite filled out yet. “What the fuck.”

“We don’t want to cause you any harm,” a man came to stand in front of the group, long black hair falling in front of his eyes, “but we need you to identify yourself and your status as a hero before we can deem you safe.” It was Mr. Aizawa. He wasn’t in his usual lab coat and goggles, instead decked in a long black coat and yellow glasses that seemed to be used for protection? A white wrap was twisted around his neck multiple times, framing his chest. He definitely did not look like he was leaving his lab. Izuku couldn’t remember the last time that he’d seen Mr. Aiwaza’s hair down like that, either. He’d always seen it pulled back from his eyes and the chemicals that had burnt off his ends one too many times.

Next to him was Kacchan, and standing behind him was Kirishima, hair a bright red. He was dressed in next to nothing but pants, it seemed, but all red. To his left was Todoroki, who looked as impassive as always. A new scar adorned the right side of his face, covering the entirety of his eye.

“I don’t like repeating myself, young man.” The man said in the tense silence. “I-” In his attempts to speak, Izuku was stunned silent again as another figure made their presence known from behind the man who he thought was his chemistry lab professor. “What the fuck-”

“You’re not going to get anywhere if you keep saying that.” Mr. Aizawa interrupted. Izuku couldn’t find it in himself to listen, though, because standing directly across from him was him. It was himself, clad in a green suit, looking fresh from a fight. He was staring back at himself intently, as if he was reading into every thought rushing through his head.

“What’s your quirk?” Kacchan asked, arms crossed over his chest. It looked to be a bit of an uncomfortable position, given the large bolsters connected to his forearms. Quirk? Quirk - like, something weird about him? A fun fact? He could tie his shoes in less than ten seconds, and he thought that was pretty cool. He often used it as a party trick.

“Does it have to do with mimicking voices?” The blonde continued asking his questions, and the more he did, the less he sounded like Kacchan. His Kacchan. Where the hell was he? He had been right next to him a few seconds ago-

“Bakugou, if you could leave the questioning to me-” Mr. Aizawa tried to interrupt, but just as Izuku’s Kacchan would do, he doesn’t give him the chance.

“This asshole sounds just like Deku.” Deku. When was the last time he’d heard that name? Two - three years ago? Probably when he had taken on the name Spider-Man.

“Something feels weird.” He hears his voice, but it doesn’t come from his mouth. His eyes fixate back on his other self, his eyebrows furrowed and determined. Did he always look so focused? Thoughts, aside, he agreed. This felt really weird. 

“I won’t ask again, sir.” Mr. Aizawa said. He leaned back on his right foot, his hand readied at his side. “What’s your quirk and affiliation as a hero?” His eyes started glowing. They were glowing - jeez, that red could rival Kacchan’s. He was glaring at him in a way Izuku had never seen his professor look at anyone. A spark of fear made itself known behind his ears. His fingertips started tingling, warning him of the danger incoming if he didn’t act now. “Wait!” He called, hands stretched out. Did he unmask himself now? Would that do more harm for outing him than setting whatever crooked record they have here straight? Kacchan, Todoroki, and Mr. Aizawa already knew about his secret identity, but would it be worth revealing to Kirishima? But why didn’t they recognize him now? Why were they asking him who he was, when he had just seen them all yesterday? Why did he not totally recognize any of them?

“Wait,” he said again. His hand slowly reached for his mask, showing them that he wasn’t doing anything threatening. As soon as his fingers slipped underneath its crease, he yanked it off, hand following back to the spot it had to show his surrender. The group in front of him fell silent. Exactly as he had been able to hide under his mask a minute ago, their mouths dropped and their eyes scanned him deliberately. “I’m not sure what’s happening here,” he started, “and I have no idea why you’re asking me these questions, but we don’t have to fight about it.” Mr. Aizawa seemed to pause to take his words into consideration. He looked back at the other Izuku, as if they had switched places to fool him.

“Deku,” he called, “did the villain touch you at all during your fight just now?” The other Izuku didn’t speak for a moment. He tilted his head and opened his mouth to speak, finding nothing. “Deku.” Mr. Aizawa called again. “Did you hear me?”

“Y-Yeah,” he said, and Izuku tensed at hearing his own voice again. “I was hit along the shoulder. It drew blood, too. It’s been patched up since then.” Mr. Aizawa turned back to him, the Izuku (maybe he was the other Izuku but didn’t know it - oh jeez, he didn't have time for this), eyes no less accusing. “What’s your name?”

“Izuku Midoriya.” He replied honestly. “And your Shouta Aizawa, and Eijirou Kirishima, and Shouto Todoroki, and Kacchan, and,” he paused to look at himself, “me.”

“What more can you tell us about yourself?” he asked.

Izuku hesitated this time. “You're not the people I know. I don’t know who you really are and what you want, but I’m not just going to throw around information to people who happen to look like my friends. Are you sure you’re not trying to undermine me and tell the whole world my secret identity?”

“What secret identity?” Kacchan spoke up this time. “What use would you have for a secret identity when you’ve always wanted to be number one?”

“Number one at what?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. Silence followed. He felt like he had said something wrong.

“The villain we just took down has a quirk like we’ve never seen before.” Mr. Aizawa broke the silence. And there he went again about quirks - they must be something important in this world. Something special to be celebrated? Like those anti-bullying posters always said? Honestly, Izuku was bullied and he turned out fine. “Their touch can affect the state of different realities.”

“In what way?” Kacchan asked.

“We’re not sure. That’s all we know about their abilities. They are currently being taken into custody for questioning.”

“Sensei,” the other Izuku spoke up, “are you saying that- that this is the result of another reality? Like - a world where the people are the same but different, living different lives but still being us?”

“It’s a theory.”

“That was a quick theory.” Izuku interjected. “But that explains why my senses are going berserk right now. And why you all look slightly different. And why there’s two of me? The multiverse is not well studied but that doesn’t mean it’s not studied at all.” Izuku’s posture straightened a bit as he began derailing their situation. “All we know is that there is a high probability that it exists because of the radical tension between particles in our own reality. I’ve actually tried testing some of these theories in my own lab, but I haven’t found a lot of concrete evidence to back up any claims. Plus, you mentioned that someone might have had a power that altered reality? We’d have to look into how that affects the relationship of realities in the first place-”

“Take a breath, Zuku. You’re gonna pass out.” He turned, following the familiar voice that had interrupted him and finding his Kacchan standing in his suit, emerging from the shadows. There was the voice he knew.

“What the fuck.” The other Kacchan muttered under his breath.

“I agree, though.” Kacchan took a place next to him, showing Izuku that he deemed this environment and group safe enough to relax. “As fucking crazy as another reality sounds, it’s the only reason I’ve got. Unless there’s some wacko with freak powers that make duplicates of people that don’t look exactly alike.”

“What the fuck.” The other Kacchan said louder this time.

“Yeah, say it again and maybe you’ll process it.” Izuku’s Kacchan said with an eye roll.

The other Kacchan wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Were you just hiding in the shadows this entire time? How fucking creepy are you-" 

"I was being tactical, asshole." Kacchan bit back, crossing his arms tightly across his torso. He nodded towards Izuku. "Watching Spidey's back." 

"Tactical my ass-" 

“Okay, before we have two Bakugou’s fighting,” Aizawa stepped in between the groups, hands outstretched, “we’re going to have to detain you.”

“Detain us?” Kacchan repeated in disgust. “Why us, and not y’all? How do we even know that you’re not in our world right now?”

“I was getting there, before you interrupted me.” Aizawa mumbled something under his breath after that, and Izuku caught something about being “just as annoying”. “We just finished a battle with a villain who’s quirk deals with reality altering. We did not change locations, rather, we saw a flash of light, and then your Izuku. Can you say the same?”

Kacchan stared at him for a moment, gaze intense, then looked to Izuku. Izuku looked back at him. “I was in the back alley and now I’m in this building. I think Sensei’s words add up.”

“I agree,” Kacchan said to him, “but like hell I’m being detained.”

“What if we just surrender our weapons?” Izuku asked, trying to find a compromise that would satisfy Aizawa while keeping Kacchan at bay. He saw Kacchan’s jaw clench from the corner of his eye, but he knew he wasn’t going to protest against it.

“That would only work if you were to specify your quirks to us, assuming they aren’t the same as our reality’s Midoriya and Bakugou.” Aizawa answered.

“Yeah, what the fuck are quirks?” Kacchan responded. Izuku knew that he was getting irritated by the way his eyebrow twitched. Fair enough, they were about to get lunch before they were blasted into another fucking reality.

“What-” This seemed to make Aizawa hesitate. Izuku and Kacchan shared a look of confusion.

“Are you talking about weird things we do?” Kacchan spoke up. “Because I have a whole list for Spidey over here.”

“Kacchan, no.” He interrupted, glaring at the taller. “I don’t think that’s what they mean!” He was blushing, and he wasn’t quite sure why. There were too many Kacchans staring at him at that moment. Collecting himself, he shook his head and held his chin in his hand. “Earlier, they didn’t know about secret identities. The other you asked why I would keep my identity secret if I had always strived for number one.”

“So you think there’s a ranking of super heroes here?” Kacchan interrupted.

“Which would imply that everyone, at least almost everyone, has some sort of power?” He turned to the group across from them, looking to himself for reassurance. “And these powers - those are quirks?”

“Well you worked that out fast.” Kirishima said. Izuku chuckled, “Just context clues, I guess.”

“Nah, he’s just that smart.” Kacchan interrupted, ruffling his hair. “Kacchan, stop!” Izuku all but screeched, swatting his hands away while trying to hide his blush. In his frenzy of embarrassment, he didn’t realize that all eyes in the room were widened, watching the two of them interact. His other self even had his mouth agape, and the other Kacchan had his eyebrows furrowed.

“Why’re you looking at me like that, extras?” Kacchan had noticed it, too, then.

“Yeah, okay.” Aizawa seemed to be fighting off a headache. “Your quirks, powers, whatever. What are they?”

“I can’t die, and he’s a spider.” Kacchan answered for both of them.

“What the fuck do you mean you can’t die?” the other Kacchan asked. His shoulders were tight against his neck, Izuku recognized his unease at the uncertainty of the situation.

“Well, I do technically die, but I come back to life.” His Kacchan responded. “Until the day my age takes over.” The group was silent, so Izuku decided to speak up. “I was bitten by a radioactive spider, so now I have spider-like abilities. Hence the spider in the middle of the suit.” He looked down at the black spider sketched into his chest.

“Wait, you were given your powers too?” The other Izuku asked. “Well-” he started, but Aizawa interrupted him. “Questions later. Hand over your weapons and we’ll take you back where we can sort this whole thing out.”

Izuku took off his web shooters hesitantly. He realized that he was the one to come up with this idea, but he wasn’t sure how much trust to put into someone he thought he knew. He turned to Kacchan, who was watching him. They stared at each other, conversating through their eyes. Izuku looked back to the group, willing his spidey-sense to activate. When the expected tingling sensation never came, he turned back to Kacchan and nodded. With that, Kacchan sighed exasperatedly and reluctantly handed over his utility belt and katanas.

“Are those fucking swords?” The other Kacchan asked.

“Do you do anything but ask questions? I thought that was Zuku’s job.” His Kacchan bit back. “I could ask you the same thing about the fucking bombs on your hands, dude.”

As if on cue, Izuku started walking towards the pair of reality jumpers. “I have so many questions - this is so cool!”

“You think this is cool?” Kacchan responded with a raised eyebrow. “I’ve got two Izuku’s now.”

“Kacchan, stop!” Izuku said embarrassingly for the second time, slapping his shoulder. “We don’t want to mess with the multiverse.”

“What, I can’t appreciate what the universe has given me?” He smirked in response. His eyebrows followed in a suggestive wiggle.

“Wait,” Kirishima piped up from a few feet away, “Are you flirting with Midoriya?” He seemed to find this astonishing and hilarious at the same time, hand unsure of whether to cover his smile or not. The other Kacchan stood next to him, face beet red and eyes wide.

“Don’t tell me you’re dating him in this reality-” Kacchan gasped dramatically, “what kind of best friend would you be then?”

“No! No,” Kirishima was chuckling now, hands waving off the suggestion, “I’m not dating Midoriya. I’ve just never seen -” he looked towards his reality’s Kacchan, who watched him with daggers. He stopped in his tracks but couldn’t hold back his amused gaze. “You just act a lot different than our Katsuki.” He let a laugh out this time, “Mina is going to flip, dude!”

“Shut up.” Kacchan replied sternly.

“Wait,” Izuku shook his head, turning to the other him, who was now profusely red, “your Kacchan doesn’t act like that with you?” He seemed to track his eyes over Kacchan, but not his own. He refused to turn around and look at him. “Yours does?” He squeaked.

“Oh man, this is going to be fun.” Kacchan chuckled.

“And that’s where I interrupt to say that our ride is here.” Aizawa interrupted, much to the relief of both Izuku and Kacchan from this reality. “Bakugou Two, you’re sitting next to me.”

“Why am I number 2?!”

----

The car was just as awkward as Izuku had thought it was going to be after their differing dynamics were acknowledged. He had taken the liberty of sitting on the other side of his Kacchan, Sensei Aizawa on his other side as planned, just so this reality’s Izuku didn’t have to deal with him. This didn’t stop him from trying, though.

“So what’s the deal with you, then?” Kacchan asked his other version, who was sitting directly across from him. They both sat with their legs spread wide and arms crossed over their chest, but Izuku’s Kacchan sat up straighter, more confident in his actions. This reality’s Kacchan hunched over with a permanent blush spread across his face. It was a new sight, but not necessarily an unpleasant one.

“The hell do you mean by that?” He said to his counterpart.

“What’s your problem with Izuku?” Kacchan asked again, just as blatantly. “You two got beef? Have a nasty break up?”

“Why are all of your assumptions under the idea that we’re romantically involved?” The other Kacchan all but screeched, blush spreading to his ears. Izuku watched himself as well, who was fully hiding his face under his hands. He was more red than Kacchan was.

His Kacchan chuckled. “Are you not?” He raised an eyebrow. “If so, that brings me to my initial question of what your freaking problem is.”

“Kacchan, we’re not even romantically involved.” Izuku decided to butt in and save the duo before their skin melted off their faces.

“Not yet.” He responded, giving him a wink. Izuku rolled his eyes but smiled nonetheless. “Let’s hop off them for a bit, yeah?” Kacchan scoffed. “Only ‘cause you asked so nicely.” He responded, leaning back into his seat, and closer into Izuku’s side.

“I am so confused.” Kirishima said. He had a place in between this reality’s Kacchan and Izuku, effectively shielding them from each other. Todoroki had taken the offer of being in the front seat, very smartly, might Izuku add. No one wanted to add on to his comment, if you weren’t counting Kacchan’s smirk in response, so Izuku decided to move the conversation to the list of questions he had.

“Hey!” He looked at his counterpart with a bright smile. “So, you received your powers, too?” The other Izuku seemed to brighten up immediately at this question, hands falling from his face and moving to support his weight as he leaned forwards, intrigued. “Yeah! From All Might! In our reality, people are usually born with quirks that show up when they’re little. Like Kacchan’s - his showed up when we were five.”

“What is your quirk?” Kacchan asked his own counterpart. The other Kacchan didn’t seem interested in this conversation at all until the mention of himself. In the true Kacchan way, he lifted his hand in answer. Izuku saw his frown turn into a smirk; he had his attention. Izuku smiled back in response.

“Not in the car.” Aizawa interrupted.

“Oh come on!” Kacchan responded with a scowl. “You know I’m careful with it.”

“Not when you’re trying to impress someone.” Aizawa replied. Kacchan only responded with grumbles, but didn’t put up a fight otherwise.

“Something big and flashy then?” Izuku chuckled. “Seems in character.” He looked towards his Kacchan with a sly smile.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked, but there was little bite behind his words. “I know you like big and flashy.”

“Okay, new rule: no flirting in front of the other me and Kacchan.” he raised his finger, pointing it in Kacchan’s face. “We’re not gonna fuck with the multiverse.”

Kacchan pouted. “It hasn’t done anything yet! Have you seen anything blow up or disappear or some other wack shit?”

Izuku turned his head to fully face him and raised his own eyebrow. “I wasn’t offering a compromise.” Kacchan rolled his eyes but complied; Izuku was stern only when he was serious.

“Dude!” Kirishima laughed. “You have him tamed! How’d you do that?” Izuku couldn’t help but chuckle as the other Kacchan started yelling at Kirishima about his word choice. Under all the commotion, he watched his counterpart watch, blush painting his face once again. His eyes traveled to Izuku’s Kacchan and stayed, something akin to longing hiding behind his gaze. Izuku couldn’t say why, but he didn’t like it. He rationally knew that it was another version of himself (most likely) and that his own Kacchan only had eyes for him (and the other him?) but it bothered him. Instead of acknowledging this, he turned to fully face his counterpart.

“What’s your quirk?” he asked him.

“Oh!” the other Izuku chuckled, a bit embarrassed, “it’s a bit complicated -”

“Midoriya’s got eight different quirks.” Todoroki interrupted from the front. Izuku had forgotten he was there and made a note to ask about his scar later on. Or maybe ask himself if it was out of touch to ask.

“Eight?” Kacchan leaned forward a bit. “Can you have more than one in this reality?”

“Not usually,” the other Izuku replied, hiding behind a shrug, “but I was passed down a legendary quirk that sort of manifests through generations.”

“Sort of?” Kacchan asked. The other Izuku nodded and launched into a long-winded explanation of his One For All. Izuku listened intently, wishing he had brought some notebooks to jot down notes in so he didn’t forget anything. “A power for everyone?” he asked himself. “That’s insane! How did you find each quirk? Did they come simultaneously, or one by one? What techniques did you use?” He turned excitedly to Kacchan, hitting his forearm gently to get his attention. “Ooh! Kacchan, his black whip sounds like my webs!” He turned back to himself. “We should compare them!”

“That would be awesome!” The other Izuku matched his energy, hanging off his seat. “Do your webs come out of you or those things you took off your wrists? What other spider tendencies do you have? Oh my gosh, how much weight can you carry?” Izuku smiled brightly, but was interrupted by the voice next to him.

“One time, when we were trapped underneath a building, this dude just fucking lifted it up.” Kacchan said, moving his hands to resemble the way Izuku had that one time. He could still feel the soreness in his muscles just thinking about it.

“A building?” All three sitting across from them exclaimed.

“How the fuck did you manage to get stuck underneath a building?” The other Kacchan asked, seemingly brushing the previous topic to the side. Izuku and Kacchan looked at one another and responded in tandem. “Long story.”

“We’ve got time!” Izuku of this reality offered. “We’ve got the rest of the day off, and until we know about the villain’s quirk, there’s not a lot we can do with you two but ask questions. Right, Sensei?”

Aizawa, who was almost asleep, sighed. “I guess you’re correct. But they’ll be staying in your dorms until we figure out what to do with them.”

“That’s perfect!” The other Izuku whipped his head towards his counterpart. “You can see all the people from your reality, but in ours! I need to take notes.” He put his head in his hand and began to mumble to himself.

Izuku tilted his head. “This is what I’m like?”

“Pretty much.” Kacchan smiled at his counterpart, then directly at him. “You curse more than he does, though.”

“And who’s fault is that?” Izuku rolled his eyes playfully.

“Are you sure you’re not dating?” Kirishima interjected. “I am so confused by this.”

Izuku turned red. There was no hiding it at this point, his mask was tucked carefully away into Aizawa’s pocket. He had mastered dodging Kacchan’s attempts at flirting, understanding the complexities of their work and becoming involved with someone in it. Imagine a superhero duo dating - how awful could that get when things hit the fan? But this - having someone ask him directly if they were together - that was different. All eyes were on him, waiting for an answer, including Kacchan’s. Both of them. His Kacchan’s. His. Did he even have a right to say that when all they did was banter? Now Izuku was thoroughly confused - what were they?

“You’re pretty silent for someone that was saying we weren’t romantically involved just a few minutes ago.” Kacchan chimed in, arm moving to rest on the back of the chairs they were sitting in, effectively capturing Izuku within his hold. His blush fell down to his neck.

“Now wait a minute-” Mid turn to chew out Kacchan’s obvious flirting when he had flat out told him not to in front of the other reality them, Izuku’s neck clenched as a tingle ran up into his scalp. His fingers twitched in the direction of an incoming danger and his eyes followed, narrowed.

“Where’s it at, Spidey?” Tuning into his senses immediately, Kacchan’s hand now rested on the back of his neck where he knew his power bugged him the most.

“Coming,” he whispered back, bracing his body, “fast, towards the back of the car. And it’s - I’ve felt this one before.” His spider sense was strong, strong enough to allow him to feel different warnings with the different levels of threats. If they were small, they’d feel small. Bigger threats were more shocking for his body. For recurring bad guys he’s dealt with, he learned to hone in on the feeling of their threat level. And this one, this shiver that was still traveling up his spine, it felt way too familiar. “It’s Doc Ock.”

“Who the fuck calls themselves-” A robotic arm tore through the back doors of their van, effectively interrupting the other Kacchan’s quick insult. Izuku was quicker, though, and caught two of its three extremities and yanked them off immediately. The arm retracted itself, pulling him forward into a somersault. He caught himself on his legs and a single hand, his fingers attaching themselves to the floor of the van for support.

“How the fuck is he here?” Kacchan was beside him in an instant, katanas in hand. Izuku didn’t have time to ask how he manhandled them from Aizawa. He was handed his web shooters. Putting them on, Izuku searched for where Doc Ock was hiding. “We’re gonna find out.” He responded, pulling his mask over his face. His scalp tingled. “On top!”

Another metal arm crashed through the roof of the van, splitting the floor in half. Simultaneously, both Kacchans smirked. “This is what I’m talking about.”

Honestly, it is a CRIME that we will probably never get a movie or tv show with Andrew Garfields Spidey and Ryan Reynolds Deadpool.

Spider bros au

Peter: Andrew, did you eat my gummy worms

Andrew: and your gay bacon yea

Peter, cocking a gun: so you have chosen death.

Tobey: How did you get a gun??? I will just buy you more gay bacon Ohmyfucking-

[Spider-man meeting Deadpool for first time]

Peter: mr wade sir, why do you wear a red suit?

Wade, delighted: So bad guys don’t see me bleed!!!

Peter, vibrating with excitement: omg are you on your p e r i o d ?

Tobey: I can’t believe Mr. Harrington gave you a D on that last test. You’re a top student, how do you get a D?

Andrew: he answered half the questions, told Mr. Harrington the test was stupid, burped, then left.

Tobey:

Peter: and that’s not worth a D+? ,,,,I smell t r a n s p h o b i a,,,,,

Deadpool: short people are always so angry. i think its cause they're always hot- y'know always being the closest to hell? must suck.

Peter: you just lost your knee cap privileges giraffe face.

-

Tobey: I hate you!

Andrew: i hate me more!!!

Tobey: ...

Tobey: come on, Dude, we've talked about this...

-

Michelle (abt gender): maybe I just want people to look at me and be confused

Ned: a big hat

Peter: enter every room screaming "C O R N"

-

May: why are there tiny hand prints on the ceiling?

Tobey, whispering: Pete, why are there tiny hand prints on the ceiling?

Peter, hiding his hands: h o n es t l y f u c k y o u g uy s

“Monogamy? In this economy???”

-Andrew Parker

-

Peter: bro, pick up your eboy, he’s curled up in my living room quivering, speaking in tongues, and surrounded by an impenetrable wall of writhing venom.

Deadpool: that’s not my eboy that’s my malewife !! they’re supposed to do that !!!

-

Interviewer: So spider-man are you and the…other spider men…brothers…or something ??

Tobey: No…these are my…clones.

Tobey, seeing Peter and Andrew off to the side pretending to make out with goblins mask and videoing it: ...They’re defective.

Peter: furbies are predators.

Andrew: ...what the actual-

Wade: No no, he has a point.

Peter: E a t th e r i c h

Wade: Shouldn't we eat out the poor?

Peter: what

Wade: What

[Wade meeting Tobey]

Tobey: So. You’re the boyfriend then.

Deadpool, saluting: Yes, Sir !!

Tobey: Don’t call me “Sir”.

Deadpool, still saluting: Yes, Ma’am !!

wade meeting may

Andrew: it's just an introduction- it's not a big deal we can do this.

Wade: okay. okay, we got this!

-

May:

wade:

May:

Wade: i have 20 allegations against me and I commit crimes less than an hour ago.

Andrew: ...

Andrew: babe-

Wade: she's scary okay???

Andrew: ...so a chicken walks into a bar-

deadpool, desperately trying to staunch the blood: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

-

[spidey-bros being interviwed]

Reporter: What is your reaction the public arguing whether the youngest spider-man is trans or not?

Tobey: oh for fucks-

Andrew, backing away: nooooo

Peter, grabbing the mic: whO THE FUCK THINKS IM C I S???

-

Wade: man Im cold.

Andrew: here use my jacket.

Peter: :O

Peter: h-hey mj, im cold.

Mj, throwing a lighter at him: go wild.

Andrew, having consumed enough caffeine to kill three horses and crawling on the ceiling: where are the fresh children for me to feast upon !!

Tobey picking up a cross and backing himself into a corner: What the fuck what thefuckwHATTHEFUCKWHATTHEFUC-

-

Andrew: I have something to tell you…

May: you can tell us anything.

Andrew: Im bi

Peter: knew it

Tobey: finally.

Uncle ben: …

Aunt May: Ben no.

Uncle ben: HI BI IM UNCLE BEN.

-

Peter, directly into the intercom: attention shoppers. My friend is hot and ready to trot. He is single and ready to mingle. He is-

Ned, physically wrestling the mic out of his hands: PETER.

Andrew: why did my last two brain cells have to be a sad one and a dumb one

Tobey: Gee, Andrew, why do you get two brain cells ???

-

Peter: wh a t d oe s bdsm s t a n d f or ??? Andrew: Bondag-

Tobey: BIBLE DELICIOUS SUPER MAN.

-

Andrew spider-man: *practically annihilates team of super villains single handedly*

Deadpool: there goes and semblance or heterosexuality i had left in me.

-

MJ: Do you take constructive criticism?

Peter, already crying: s u re w ha ts u p

-

Aunt may, holding up baby trans peter: stinky

Uncle ben: no. dont be mean.

Aunt may, spinning them both around: Stinky bastard man

Uncle ben, distraught: nO.

Tobey, watching the whole thing: Naughty boy, brat bastard.

Peter: I t’ s tr u e, m y cr i me s a re un f or gi v ab le.

Uncle ben: NOOOOO !!

spidey bros au

Peter: perhaps i’ll drink my sorrows away.

peter : *stabs straw through up&go*

-

[on patrol]

Tobey: How long is he gonna do this?

*Andrew spider-man and deadpool arguing in the kmart parking lot*

Peter:

Enemies to lovers. 100k words. #slowburn #mlm.

Tobey: H-how did you do that ??

-

Andrew: I asked to share wades queen sized bed with him

Andrew: to which he responded that he’s a queen and therefore it is at maximum capacity.

Peter, about to be murdered: man i sure hope this is gonna be on buzzfeed unsolved

Murderer: *takes off mask to reveal shane madej* it will

Peter: Ohmygosh, mr madej sir !!!

-

Deadpool: I don’t see why i can’t be both the love interest and the antagonist.

-

Tobey: I would always think to myself “How could another person kill someone?”

Tobey: And then I met Deadpool and i was like “Oh okay.”

Peter, whispering to andrew: you’re gay

Andrew: I know that

Peter: gay for wade?

Andrew: I did not know that.

-

Deadpool: Aren’t we all just trying to be Morticia addams?

Peter: actually I’m trying to be Gomez addams

Deadpool: Honourable. Respectable. Where would we be without you

-

[after a long patrol]

Peter, very tired: wow that’s a phat phucking cat

Tobey:

Tobey: pe- Spidey, that’s a raccoon.

Peter: i’ m taking he r home.

Deadpool: bitches be like “you’re mine” first of all I’m on probation, “I” belong to the state.

-

Peter: i f i ever die roll my corpse down the lazy river-

Andrew: done.

Tobey: Let's get back to the part where you said “if” you ever die.

-

Andrew spider-man: If you piss off whatever is in there and we die, I promise i’ll still be angry at you up in heaven.

Deadpool: *wheezing* you think i’m going to heaven?!

Deadpool to the criminals hiding: HE THINKS I'M GOING TO HEAVEN.

Criminals and deadpool: *LAUGHING*