Demand Avoidance - Tumblr Posts

Autistic and ‘Over-reacting’ to the Little Things

Neurodivergent_lou

And Did You Know…that that is part of the reason why “appears comfortable in role play and pretend” became a “key criteria” for PDA? (PDA = Pathological Demand Avoidance, or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy.)

For a long time it was considered an essential part of PDA, but it was changed to “optional” not too long ago. And for good reason. We know now that plenty of autistic people do engage in imaginative play and role play, AND that not all PDAers do.

While role play is very often just for fun, no matter who you are, it can also sometimes be used as a coping mechanism. It can be used to get out of things, or to make it easier to get through something challenging, or even as a way to mask.

It’s not always a cause for concern, but if you find your person (or yourself) spending more time as someone/something else than as themselves (or yourself), it might be a sign that some changes are needed. For example, you may need to lower stress/demands, or you may to ensure there are more places where they feel safe being themselves.

But again, it’s not always a bad thing! If your child does use role play as a way to cope or avoid things, it’s okay to just go with it in the moment. If it helps them get through doing a hard thing, just play along! If they use it to try and “get out of something,” hear that they’re telling you they can’t handle it for some reason. Maybe there’s something in their way that you could help with, or maybe they just need you to back off right now.

This is talked about a lot more in the PDA community than in the wider autistic community, so hopefully this brings awareness to people who haven’t yet come across it. But I do wanna reiterate that it is not all PDAers and not only PDAers who use role play in this way (or at all). So don’t let anyone try to tell you that you or your kid is or isn’t something over this particular trait alone.

(Image description in Alt Text.)

PDA autistic culture is hating the demand that comes with labels so much that you don’t even like identifying as agender because it still feels like…a gender (a concept which society forcefully imposed on you, and you therefore want no part of)

I really don’t like it when people tell me what to do, especially if I was already planning to do that thing. I will now not do that thing just because you told me to do it. You’ve ruined both our days now.

I take being told what to do as the other person assuming I’m stupid. I don’t need you to give me orders, I’ll do what I want and I’ll do it my way.

Time Blindness and Alarms

little tip I just discovered if you have time blindness, but are also pretty demand avoidant

a lot of advice for time blindness suggests using timers, which yes CAN work, but if you’re anything like me, that frequently DOESN’T because you just turn off the alarm, and its failure to work then stresses you out

a lot of them also suggest if you’re struggling with using alarms to set them to the most disruptive and annoying sound you can to ensure you can’t ignore them. or put them on the otherside of the room so you HAVE to disrupt what you’re doing to turn them off

and that’s bad fucking advice

because when it hits up with demand avoidance, what happens is often you get into the flow of work, and then this SCREECHING yell of an alarm interrupts you ‘demanding’ you stop your flow, which is just going to piss you off, and if you’re like me you’re going to hit snooze and keep going, getting more and more angry each time the alarm returns

so do the opposite

set your alarm for a pleasant, unobtrusive sound. something you will notice, but that you can sit with going off for a few seconds. what this has meant for me is that instead of feeling this frustrated immediacy to shut off the alarm, and then spitefully continuing whatever i was doing because the ‘rude’ alarm interrupted my flow, instead the alarm now politely ‘reminds’ me that the time i allotted for the task has ended, so its time for me to wind down what i’m doing

the key is making sure you pick a sound that you are ok with playing in the background. this then means you’re able to treat the alarm not like an absolute END TASK NOW, but instead a little ‘last call at the bar’, letting you bring things to a natural close without feeling like you’re being ordered to stop when you’re in the middle of things

Neurotypicals be like: Just use a planner broooo

Sir, you don't get it. If I got a planner 1 out of 4 things is going to happen.

1. My demand avoidance will kick in and I would rather rip out every single strand of hair on my body one by one than fill out a to-do list.

Or

2. I actually get everything done from my planner, but my imposter syndrome kicks in and since I set those goals for myself even though I accomplished them, they mean nothing and are therefore not worthy of acknowledgement.

Or

3. I will fill out the planner and then forget it exists. So like who is going to remind me to check my planner or use my planner to begin with?

Or

4. The worst of them all, I will end up with a planner filled with things I gotta do, remember it, not get anything done but with the extra guilt of not getting anything done.

autism and pathological demand avoidance

i've been wanting to get back on tumblr for a while now (i used to be on tumblr like a decade ago, and i look back fondly on those memories). there's just something really nice about writing out what you think and how you feel about things. it's cathartic. i find it to be emotionally regulating. and yet the demand of consistency is something i am constantly fighting with.

pathological demand avoidance. i perceive a demand, and i avoid it. i lose all desire to engage. i get frustrated when i feel like i'm obligated to do something.

even starting this blog, i already feel frustrated and want to stop. pushing past that is difficult. i feel obligated to continue. obligated to make this a good, coherent post. obligated to write as if i am expecting an audience to read this. and yet i only want to do this for myself. i want to have a space where i can express myself freely.

i want to talk about my experiences as a trans and autistic person, and yet that very desire is being perceived as a demand. it is very disorienting and exhausting.

Let’s play “why am I so demand avoidant?”! Is it:

A.) Part of my autism

B.) Being told what to do just makes me mad (psychological reactance)

C.) The fact that the people telling me what to do are typically people who don’t respect me very much so I don’t respect them very much

D.) All of the above

me googling "jobs for people who feel like having to work for a wage at all is unbearable" and "jobs for people with PDA" lmao

and then i find accounts written by other PDAers that resonate so much it's creepy, which helps me not feel like i'm a broken lazy asshole, but pretty much all of them are like "i dunno, it's an intractable situation" or "i don't work" so fuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

well i WAS going to clean a bit today, but then i was TOLD i need to clean. i am now legally not allowed to do anything regarding cleaning for the next 24 hours minimum

PDA be like

me: i'm gonna take the trash out of our room today and tomorrow we have to go to the store :) my fiance: well i was gonna clean the room today but first i have to put the clothes away and then do the litterbox...........unless YOU want to................. me: *loses all motivation to do what i was already gonna do* ahahah yeah want is a strong word but i'll do it (with a meltdown first but i feel too guilty to say no)

Having demand avoidance in a medical setting is literally hell. Like, patient autonomy is already absolute ass. It's only made worse when doctors CONSISTENTLY tell you what to do and act like you HAVE to do it instead of consulting with you first like normal fucking people.

Yall brains are wild

I'm beginning to suspect that my "unreasonable and mysterious stress episodes" that always happen around school, career, or governmental websites/paperworks could be related to pathological demand avoidance? Bc I'm reading abt it and it's sounding an aweful lot like the way my brain panicks about paperwork, being asked to help clean, and also being handed pills and liquid medicines to take

None of this is exaggerated, the pain would be less painful than the mental breakdown we'd have to go through before we do The Thing*

Me: Please be clear in communicating with me- if you want something just say it

Also me: I know I need to do The Thing* but now that you’ve said I need to do it I would rather fist-fight a porcupine naked than do The Thing*