Pda Autism - Tumblr Posts

When someone says they can't do something,

When I say I'm struggling to complete a task

Please don't say

Just try (I am)

Do it for me (oo yay more pressure and guilt and hurting our relationship)

This is really important (I know that's why I'm dieing)

Take baby steps (WHAT do you want from me?)

It needs to get done (yeah, you think I haven't noticed?)

Why haven't you done this? (Any confrontation to defend and explain my lack of actions is 👎)

Do say

Hey lovingly what's getting in the way for you doing this? (Is not on trial for my mental struggles. Someone who cares and wants to actually help me)

Would it help if I came over and helped you with the task? (Socialization makes tasks easier. Let me decide what I want your help to look like)

I know this task is hard for you so what if after we go do something fun/reward/treat (offer choice. Offer some sort of help with the actual task, reward without ability to do gain it means nothing to me)

What do you need to make this easier? (More likely to get an honest answer about what I need vs what I feel is the least inconvenient way for you to try and help me)

Not my Pathological Demand Avoidance being picky and vengeful of every well meaning yet somehow personally offensive and unhelpful attempt of others to be supportive and helpful.

Trying to treat the ADHD without treating the PDA has been a fruitless attempt my whole life so far.

I love that people want to be supportive but also evokes my rage which I hide well.

I'm sorry if it sounds picky. That's why I posted it on the internet.

PDA means the pressure and demands of everyday life are too much for me and having control or choice makes me more free of the crippling anxiety tasks and demands like showering, eating, AND going to classes invoke.

ADHD makes completing the task, starting the task, and focusing/doing the task hard. PDA makes starting tasks 150% harder with a crippling barrier of anxiety between me and the task.

it’s pretty simple

when someone can’t speak, 

you don’t say:

just try

do it for me

just speak to *me*

i won’t tell anyone

just this once

if you really care, you’ll speak

do you hate me then?

you say:

that’s okay, you don’t have to. 

roses for the people who have made me feel safe in mute-situations. 🌹🌹

The thing about parenting a PDA kid is that you do not control them. You are not their boss and you are not in control.

The firmer you are the less it works, the more strict you become the less they listen. 'Putting tour foot down' will do nothing but stress them and possibly cause a meltdown.

All you can do is offer comfort, assistance, and advice, but you need to let them make their own decisions, whether they be bad or good, because you cannot stop them.

They might listen to some demands, such as bedtimes or screentime or helping with chores, but only if they are offered lightly. Only if there is wiggle room and they have options.

You are not in control of your PDA child. The sooner you accept that you are not their warden nor owner, the better your relationship will be.

people with PDA, you are not a horrible person for not voting this year. Voting is important, but it doesn't make you terrible for literally being unable to vote. I'm old enough to register, have been for a year, but haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Why? It's a demand. I don't realize how much my PDA affects me until it does, in which case I find myself wanting to scream and cry at the thought of doing something, especially something so important. This makes me feel like a hypocrite, a failure, a traitor to the multiple communities I'm a part of whose lives are at stake this year. But I'm not any of these fucking things, and neither are you.

I try to urge people who are in the space to vote to do so when I can, because that's something I can do. All that matters for me is that I do what I can, when I'm able. People seem to forget about those of us with PDA when telling those who are old enough to vote, and I'm frankly tired of feeling like I'm personally responsible for the downfall of America because of how my brain works. I'm not, and you're not either.

What resources would help you vote? Telling people with PDA they should allow their condition to take away their voice and right to be heard is fucked. People out there want to help people remove obstacles to voting and can help people with PDA excercise their civic rights instead of being silenced by people like you.

'I don't like the fact that you're acknowledging that some people struggle to vote and shouldn't be forced to' is how this ask reads. 'People like you' yeah? I'm sure a PDA autistic telling other PDA autistics that not voting doesn't determine their morality or character is so horrible to you, but that's not silencing. You sound like the kind of person who thinks ambulatory wheelchair users are 'letting their condition get in the way of walking', because how dare disabled people accomodate themselves in a way that's best for them. Clown.

I know how I feel about voting and made that post in case someone else felt the same way. How dare you come in here and be like 'YOU'RE SILENCING DISABLED PEOPLE' to a DISABLED PERSON who just wants to help other disabled people? Have you ever been called 'defiant' because you just don't want to do something and because it's your mom telling you to do it, you get labeled with 'oppositional defiant disorder' and written off as a bad kid because your brain gets hung up on demands? Have you ever had that happen to you? Even saying 'go use the resources' is a demand that, guess what, my brain decides to get hung up on. I saw your other ask about how there are people willing to help, but guess what? Getting in touch with those people is a demand. It's so irritating that you think you can just waltz on in and tell me what to do and how I'm just silencing disabled voices. How dare you.

And Did You Know…that that is part of the reason why “appears comfortable in role play and pretend” became a “key criteria” for PDA? (PDA = Pathological Demand Avoidance, or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy.)

For a long time it was considered an essential part of PDA, but it was changed to “optional” not too long ago. And for good reason. We know now that plenty of autistic people do engage in imaginative play and role play, AND that not all PDAers do.

While role play is very often just for fun, no matter who you are, it can also sometimes be used as a coping mechanism. It can be used to get out of things, or to make it easier to get through something challenging, or even as a way to mask.

It’s not always a cause for concern, but if you find your person (or yourself) spending more time as someone/something else than as themselves (or yourself), it might be a sign that some changes are needed. For example, you may need to lower stress/demands, or you may to ensure there are more places where they feel safe being themselves.

But again, it’s not always a bad thing! If your child does use role play as a way to cope or avoid things, it’s okay to just go with it in the moment. If it helps them get through doing a hard thing, just play along! If they use it to try and “get out of something,” hear that they’re telling you they can’t handle it for some reason. Maybe there’s something in their way that you could help with, or maybe they just need you to back off right now.

This is talked about a lot more in the PDA community than in the wider autistic community, so hopefully this brings awareness to people who haven’t yet come across it. But I do wanna reiterate that it is not all PDAers and not only PDAers who use role play in this way (or at all). So don’t let anyone try to tell you that you or your kid is or isn’t something over this particular trait alone.

(Image description in Alt Text.)

PDA autistic culture is hating the demand that comes with labels so much that you don’t even like identifying as agender because it still feels like…a gender (a concept which society forcefully imposed on you, and you therefore want no part of)

autism and pathological demand avoidance

i've been wanting to get back on tumblr for a while now (i used to be on tumblr like a decade ago, and i look back fondly on those memories). there's just something really nice about writing out what you think and how you feel about things. it's cathartic. i find it to be emotionally regulating. and yet the demand of consistency is something i am constantly fighting with.

pathological demand avoidance. i perceive a demand, and i avoid it. i lose all desire to engage. i get frustrated when i feel like i'm obligated to do something.

even starting this blog, i already feel frustrated and want to stop. pushing past that is difficult. i feel obligated to continue. obligated to make this a good, coherent post. obligated to write as if i am expecting an audience to read this. and yet i only want to do this for myself. i want to have a space where i can express myself freely.

i want to talk about my experiences as a trans and autistic person, and yet that very desire is being perceived as a demand. it is very disorienting and exhausting.

PDA be like

me: i'm gonna take the trash out of our room today and tomorrow we have to go to the store :) my fiance: well i was gonna clean the room today but first i have to put the clothes away and then do the litterbox...........unless YOU want to................. me: *loses all motivation to do what i was already gonna do* ahahah yeah want is a strong word but i'll do it (with a meltdown first but i feel too guilty to say no)

None of this is exaggerated, the pain would be less painful than the mental breakdown we'd have to go through before we do The Thing*

Me: Please be clear in communicating with me- if you want something just say it

Also me: I know I need to do The Thing* but now that you’ve said I need to do it I would rather fist-fight a porcupine naked than do The Thing*