Neurodivergence - Tumblr Posts

no like this is actually so true.

Like its one of those sort of mentalities that people have towards ADHD of 'oh if they really cared theyd do this, or that, etc etc'

But like

No??? Thats not how it works??? At all???

Like i personally care a lot about most of my tasks that i have to do but i (i dunno if this sounds weird or yall undterstand) but i like cant??

I dunno what im trying to say, but i agree with you OP

Am I the only one to think ADHD isn't taken very seriously?

I heard autistic people say people tend to treat them like babies when they (referring to neurotypical people) learn the other person is autistic (which sounds incredibly exhausting)

But like for me with my ADHD they treat me more like someone who has so much potential but is just too lazy and then they have higher expectations because they think it's just laziness and they think it's easy to get over and not that serious and like I really feel like people just like think ADHD is just an excuse

Like every time I even say the word "ADHD" my mom is like "Stop blaming ADHD for everything!" or my step-dad is like (sarcastically) "Oh so of course YOU never did anything wrong!" and I'm like "I literally didn't say that at all"

Or is that just me?

All my nd peeps

Me, explaining disassociation to my neurotypical mother:

Her: what?? That’s a thing you do? Are you okay????

Two days later…

Me, explaining disassociation to an ADHD friend:

Her: Oh fuck, there’s a name for that??? Cool

you know?? That feeling like ah, so I’m not the only one, great lmao

how can my gift of being seen be what brings about my ruin? i work so hard yet others will resent me for it i am a person who cares more than i should yet i am deemed inadequate for i stand out too much.

once i thought of my individuality as a blessing but now i see it for what it truly is a curse that causes people to look at me with resentment and disgust simply because i am different my good fortune has turned to bad and there is nothing i can do to fix it.

I wish that autism wasn't so heavily looked down upon/ignored/disrespected when I was growing up.

I was a "devil child", "handful", "problem".

When in reality if even minute changes were made in my environment and how my own family interacted with me, I would have flourished so much more.

I heavily stimmed using music. The repetitive beats and heavy bass was my thing. So when my mom wanted to punish me for something, one of the first things she'd do was take away my ipod/mp3 whatever I had. WORST thing was when she ONLY took my (very specific) headphones.

To her, it was taking away something fun. A luxury item. A toy basically.

But to me, it was taking away a very heavily ingrained stim that I NEEDED to do, and could not do without very specific criteria (specific headphones and a specific playlist/style of music)

So of course I would become horribly disregulated. Which I'd then have to attempt to mask/or recluse to avoid her so she wouldn't see how bad it unraveled me.

Because to her, being disregulated/unraveled was "acting up", "catching an attitude", "being disrespectful/rude".

Gods. Looking back I truly hate how she did me wrong in that way. Not just my stim but EVERYTHING. All my needs were either dismissed or half-met.

She is one of those people who thinks sure adhd/autism exists but not in HER family. Not in HER children. She even tried to blame it on the father of her children and it couldn't possibly have had anything to do with her.

..... we not only ALL have different fathers, but after observing both memories of her and her now, she is ALSO autistic and in total denial.

I definitely still harbor resentment because of that. She had me "evaluated". Once. At a time where they still heavily leaned on the male criteria for adhd, and autism wasnt really addressed/acknowledged unless it was severely debilitating. But also, by the time she had me evaluated, I'd already spent a few years (unknowingly) masking due to peers and family creating that need. So the conclusion was "there MIGHT be something divergent about her but we couldnt say for sure at this time" and she took that as "nope she's good, just a problem child. Carryon." Never again to be addressed.

She barely acknowledged that one of my brothers (previously a sister) was diagnosed adhd.

She only acknowledged another brother's adhd&autism diagnosis because the school he went to was very accommodating and insisted that he be evaluated and guess what.

Once he was diagnosed, and they rearranged his class schedules to fit his needs, he did a 180 and graduated top of his class. THRIVED. I both LOVE that he got that and HATE that I never did. I barely got through school.

It wasn't for lack of love of learning. I just, learned different, but was ALSO heavily overloaded with how crammed my courses were. I always wonder if I'd gotten the same accommodations, would I have thrived? Would school have been a drastically different/positive experience/memory for me? I'll never know. Because my mother was so against the idea that anything was divergent about me and absolutely mentally stuffed me into her little idea of an ideal neurotypical child that I never had a chance...

Now that I know I'm also AuDHD, like most of my siblings and even an aunt, I feel validated. I had seen vlogs and blogs about people more and more coming out about how they handle life and their coping skills and hacks theyve learned and after starting to apply those to myself... gods I've improved so much.

Don't get me wrong, I still struggle. But now knowing what issues are and how to cope and get around things, I'm a lot better off.

This is only ONE reason of several why my relationship with my mother has gone sour. What's sad is she doesn't really realize it yet? I havent been able to compose myself enough to have THE CHAT.

About how she hurt me a lot. Intentional or not. (Like not knowing taking away my music was taking away a stim) I don't know how to have this chat. Tbh I thought about writing a longass letter. Because in the past whenever she's been confronted about anything she's done wrong, she spirals into defense mode and wont even entertain the conversation beyond that point and you get... nowhere.

So maybe in person the bulk of the talk wont happen. I feel like. I need to hand her a letter. Have her read it. And maybe have a succinct chat before parting ways.

Because I wanted to be close to her for so long, that I either didn't realize or knowingly ignored her problem behaviors and looking back... she just... gods that's a whole other post for the future....

If you've read this far thank you. If you've had similar familial experiences, lmk (if you're comfy)

I just....... *sigh*.... yep.

Husband and I have been afflicted by... something??? Awful.

Both of us are in horrendous stomach/abdominal pain. We're probably going to emergency here soon.

I'd rather be having contractions during labor vs what is hitting me now.

We both took the last two hydros from my old postpartum meds. For him it did nothing and for me it only took the edge off barely for maybe an hour before coming right back and knocking me out it got so bad.

Husband is someone who sorta goes by something similar to the farmer pain scale. If he's hurting, it's severe. Last time he was actually incapacitated, it was his first ever severe case of shingles.

He went to the hospital, and was on pain medication for a month or more. Which, if you knew him, you'd go "oh shit", cuz this man simply, powers through everything else below the severe category.

My only concern whenever needing the er for pain relief is their hoops to jump through. I'm autistic-adhd and do not display my pain like they expect.

My 6-10 and upwards on the pain scale is me internalizing it, shutting down, going non-verbal. I appear calm and collected which always makes them doubt the sincerity/severity of the pain level.

Hopefully with my husband and I both going in, he's verbal, we can get some relief. (Vent - Which is really irritating with doctors because last time I went nonverbal, I was still able to write it all down and the doctor refused to even look at the paper. So we fucking sat in silence until I choked out like 3 words and she based her entire limited understanding of my issues based on that. Not. You know. The extremely detailed notecard I brought in as a communication aid.)

I really wish doctors would see someone who's nonverbal from pain, unable to even hold focus/gaze, and general inability to interact as someone who hmmm might need help vs "I'm frustrated and flabbergasted that I can't easily checkmark boxes and send you on your way easy peasy" reaction a lot of doctors give in the city closest to us.

The moment they can't cure you from their pamplet checklist and get that pat on their back for doing a doctoring, they're fed up with you and instead make it your fault for being 'difficult'. (Sorry, vent because I just hate needing to go to the doctor for pain like this.)

The pain is creeping up into my chest now so I'm going to rest. We're waiting on a friend to come over to stay with our littles so we can go.

Wish us luck. 🤞🏻

The friend finally randomly replied.... with the typical conversation occurring of

Me: *reaches out*

Her: *leaves on read for a few days then replies* I was distant because I thought you should reflect on your actions.

Me: What actions??

Her: The fact you dont even know is why I distanced.

Me: I'm sorry. You didnt tell me something upset you so how would I know? People dont always know something they do or say upsets you. Thats something you have to communicate so we can clear the air/work on it.

Her: Here we are again with you simply not knowing youre wrong. It's all here in our chat.

Me: You. Didnt. Tell. Me. But also it's in the chat? You mean the chat where I told you that you upset me with how you spoke to me? The chat where I bared my heart and mind about having pots and being neurodivergent? About how you treated my medical issues and mental struggles as character flaws instead of what they are, medical conditions? How you spoke to me in a very ableist manner repeatedly when I tried in vain to explain that I wasnt blowing you off xyz times because I didnt care but that because I was having flare ups in symptoms? THAT chat? Because you getting upset that I was honest with you about how you made me feel and why is your problem not mine.

You being a neurotypical, indirect, ableist, holier than thou, MEANIE, is your problem not mine. I was sitting here grieving the loss of a long-time friendship for 2 months because you couldn't be bothered to communicate with me like an adult. I literally do not understand people. I dont understand how you think the way you're treating me is totally okay. I was depressed as fuck but now I'm just more hurt and angry.

Angry that you refuse to accept that someone you were friends with for years decided to confide in you that they were autistic+adhd+pots. Officially verbalizing it. To you. And you just.... shut me out like I was trash. How fucking dare you. How absolutely fucking dare you.

I'm heartbroken, still. Which you don't deserve. I'll miss you terribly. Which you dont deserve. My kids will miss your kids, which is depressing for them as I have a total of 3 mom friends with kiddos their age which is now only 2 I guess. (Not including my new tumblr mom bestie who we havent actually chatted chatted cuz, I'm shy as fuck in the beginning of friendships. But I digress.)

I just.... I'm so hurt. I am so hurt. She doesn't.... even understand how hurtful she is and that's worse. Fucking ironic considering I communicate with her clearly about what upsets me and why and yet it simply doesnt sink in what I'm saying. She simply COULDNT be the reason I'm upset and hurt.

I can't even think anymore right now. This is too much. Honestly I was starting to accept the no contact and her replying with more ableist shit just reopened the wound.

Well that friend and I are officially over with. She successfully got me to be the one to end it. So she doesn't feel in the wrong.

I'm over it. I'm over being on the recieving end of purposeful miscommunication. I'm done feeling like my pots and audhd are character flaws.

I'm done BEGGING to be spoken with clearly and effectively whenever there's been a tiff. I'm just done. I'm done. I wish you and your family the best. But we cannot be friends anymore.

I'm going to grieve for a while, for sure. But. It has to be done for my peace. (And clearly for yours too)

My kids are still young enough that they'll get over the loss of friendship with your kids pretty quickly. For that I am thankful.

I just want peace and respect from my future friendships to come. As I'm still hopeful there are more to come.

You're never to old to lose a friend. You're also never to old to make new ones either. Despite how it feels or seems sometimes.

I'm....... very hesitantly optimistic....

My mother and I had a surprisingly open conversation about my eldest being autistic, me being audhd, and basically the entire family being autistic/adhd/both. (Touched base on pots again too)

This coming from the woman who prior to this chat, habitually rejected such things/diagnosis. Who would get manic and mean about her thoughts and frustrations with ND folks, especially family. (Unless it was her own offspring. In which case we weren't ND we were just 'hella weird' and needed correcting/shamed to become 'normal'.)

Even going so far as to suggest the entire family should get together for an important meeting. To hash things out. From childhood to present day.

While this all sounds amazing.... I am so scared to believe that this is genuine. I'm scared to believe she suddenly very recently turned her whole belief/attitude around and is trying to have the entire family make amends.

She hurt me so deeply, especially within the last 5 years. She broke my trust, and our entire relationship. I've been distant but polite these last few years. Unable to work myself up to confronting her about the hurt, and what she has said behind my back to other family members.

I don't know what to expect with this family meeting scheduled for sometime in the coming months..... but I have a gut feeling this big conversation is going to drastically change the dynamic of the entire family and I'm unsure if it'll be for the better or not.

I know damn well feelings are going to get hurt.... because raw emotions are going to burst forth from at least half of us. This chat has been a long time coming. I'm just anxiously awaiting to find out the intention behind her change. The intention behind this suggestion.

I want to believe she has changed for the better. So bad. But last time I thought that, I was stabbed in the back and couldn't trust a 2nd time. I just couldn't. So we will see what all happens. It'll probably be when we all meet for the holidays tbh.

Words cannot properly express how much I hate being neurodivergent sometimes.

I HAVE to shower. Every day. If I do not. I am not okay.

Due to pots primarily, I overheat in my sleep. So literally every day I wake up I have got to shower. I can feel every inch of skin every strand of hair covered from sweat residue.

If I cannot wash that off every day. I become overstimulated immediately and extremely unhinged. I cannot think I cannot focus my mood is extremely negative I simply cannot function with that sensory status.

Today was day 3 of not having been able to shower (due to spoons and being a parent) and I snapped. I was shaking and crying and even yelled at inanimate shit in my house because I wanted to rip my hair out and shred my skin.

I finally had enough and I got into the shower.

Stood there a moment. Shaking. Crying. Bitching. Then berating myself for being such an unhinged pos. I got lightheaded and sat down. Cried more.

I have a little shower thing I say that helps. So I repeated it. Calmed down. Then I stfu and did my routine. Continued to improve. Kept saying my little thing every so often. Kept feeling better. Lighter.

Finally I just got out and did my after routine. Got dressed. I'm lying in bed still feeling stupid for the fact that 60% of my unhinged meltdown was washed away in the shower. My body is now all sensory goodness and we can all get on with our day.

I hate being like this. These not so whimsy sides of neurodivergence. I'm exhausted from the meltdown and from the task of showering itself.

Thanks for reading. Vulnerable snippet of my day today. Hope you're all doing better than I.

Ok I LOVE the movie nimona so so much and I’ve heard a lot of people make the connection (that is 100 percent there) about Nimona’s whole thing being like the experience of being trans and I totally agree but like the first time I watched it and the second time (I watch it everyday pls it’s so good) I really just felt like it mirrored neurodivergence really well. It absolutely had my entire heart.

Friendly reminder executive dysfunction is a dysfunction of ALL your executive functions. Task initiation is ONE of said functions. Working memory? An executive function. Emotional control? An executive function. Focus, planning, self regulation, mental flexibility, ect. All listed as executive functions. When it’s said that “adhd (or something else) causes executive dysfunction” it doesn’t just refer to problems with task initiation or planning/executing plans.

I’ve recently seen a lot of people who genuinely thought it was just task initiation. Which makes sense, that’s what’s talked about using the label, however it is wayyyy more than just inability to perform a task.

Autistic and ‘Over-reacting’ to the Little Things

Neurodivergent_lou

autism and pathological demand avoidance

i've been wanting to get back on tumblr for a while now (i used to be on tumblr like a decade ago, and i look back fondly on those memories). there's just something really nice about writing out what you think and how you feel about things. it's cathartic. i find it to be emotionally regulating. and yet the demand of consistency is something i am constantly fighting with.

pathological demand avoidance. i perceive a demand, and i avoid it. i lose all desire to engage. i get frustrated when i feel like i'm obligated to do something.

even starting this blog, i already feel frustrated and want to stop. pushing past that is difficult. i feel obligated to continue. obligated to make this a good, coherent post. obligated to write as if i am expecting an audience to read this. and yet i only want to do this for myself. i want to have a space where i can express myself freely.

i want to talk about my experiences as a trans and autistic person, and yet that very desire is being perceived as a demand. it is very disorienting and exhausting.

Autistic and Repeating the Same Phrase Over and Over

Neurodivergent_lou

I Was Loudly Autistic Growing Up But I Was Not Identified Because:

Littlepuddins.ie

Did this for fun a while ago.

Tag urself, I’m top middle.

Something light hearted after my previous post <3

I think the worst thing about neurodivergence at a semi-young age is how much you just don’t feel like you belong.

Mine makes me very emotional, and having a higher emotional capacity than those around me while not having the emotional control that parents expect makes me feel weird for being on the verge of tears from hearing a song, or guilty for getting upset at small things.

Also, having the capacity for logic and understanding which lets me excel in classes, but not having the memory nor work ethic that others have to get to the same place. Everyone says I’m smart bur I feel like a shit student and like everyone else is doing more than me and knows what’s going on more than me.

I feel like I don’t deserve to be stressed because it’s my fault I opened up opportunities, and it’s my fault I procrastinated on them. Idk where the line is in my brain for achieving as much as possible just because I wanted to at the time and not trying or working when I know I should just because I’m not feeling it.

Neurodivergence is like a newton’s cradle, constantly going from one extreme to the other, skipping the middle just because it isn’t necessary to get to the other side, it feels efficient but then you can never stay still and figure it out.