Pathological Demand Avoidance - Tumblr Posts

When you end up having a PDA reaction to being tired after taking melatonin:

even more memes.

Do you ever stop and let your soul bleed to accept the painful reality of your life?

I do not rest on weekends. I fight tooth and nail in my brain to complete tasks with just as much misery in the day as a weekday without classes.

I would like to wake up on the weekends, and the weekdays with just as much enthusiasm as I did when I was ten on a weekend morning, flying out of bed at 6, 7am on the dot to play video games and know that I get to rest and enjoy myself today.

The breath of relief to get a long weekend or a week or more break, knowing I just gotta get through one more week, a few more days, and I'll get a chance to catch my breath. I slowly watched as that breath of relief had to be something I actively told myself to feel, to "no difference to me".

Days off and days on are different sets of demands I bleed for and yet fail almost every time all the same. A different set of requirements I cannot complete and feel shame and guilt in my soul every waking moment.

I hate holidays because I cannot even make the everyday demands for myself, how am I to cook and buy presents and wrap presents or make presents in a timely manner that doesn't make me feel guilty or shame?

The truth, no matter how much I smile for hours a day and I'm always happy to help and be with others, even if I no longer hate myself, is that I am miserable. My life is miserable.

I fill every crack and crease and miserableness with hope and trying, trying to change and with some thought that if I just learn enough I will find the magic alchemy formula for my life and I will be more okay than I am now. I am more okay than I was before, after all. At every chance I cover it in a paint of "fun time with friends" but the paint always chips off.

Life is good and fun, and I will try for life to be like that as much as I can. But right now at least, for the moment at least, I'll allow my heart rest a moment to weep for the pervasive misery of the weight I carry.

When someone says they can't do something,

When I say I'm struggling to complete a task

Please don't say

Just try (I am)

Do it for me (oo yay more pressure and guilt and hurting our relationship)

This is really important (I know that's why I'm dieing)

Take baby steps (WHAT do you want from me?)

It needs to get done (yeah, you think I haven't noticed?)

Why haven't you done this? (Any confrontation to defend and explain my lack of actions is 👎)

Do say

Hey lovingly what's getting in the way for you doing this? (Is not on trial for my mental struggles. Someone who cares and wants to actually help me)

Would it help if I came over and helped you with the task? (Socialization makes tasks easier. Let me decide what I want your help to look like)

I know this task is hard for you so what if after we go do something fun/reward/treat (offer choice. Offer some sort of help with the actual task, reward without ability to do gain it means nothing to me)

What do you need to make this easier? (More likely to get an honest answer about what I need vs what I feel is the least inconvenient way for you to try and help me)

Not my Pathological Demand Avoidance being picky and vengeful of every well meaning yet somehow personally offensive and unhelpful attempt of others to be supportive and helpful.

Trying to treat the ADHD without treating the PDA has been a fruitless attempt my whole life so far.

I love that people want to be supportive but also evokes my rage which I hide well.

I'm sorry if it sounds picky. That's why I posted it on the internet.

PDA means the pressure and demands of everyday life are too much for me and having control or choice makes me more free of the crippling anxiety tasks and demands like showering, eating, AND going to classes invoke.

ADHD makes completing the task, starting the task, and focusing/doing the task hard. PDA makes starting tasks 150% harder with a crippling barrier of anxiety between me and the task.

it’s pretty simple

when someone can’t speak, 

you don’t say:

just try

do it for me

just speak to *me*

i won’t tell anyone

just this once

if you really care, you’ll speak

do you hate me then?

you say:

that’s okay, you don’t have to. 

roses for the people who have made me feel safe in mute-situations. 🌹🌹

i HATE when ppl go all ''its not too late'' ''u can still get better'' ''its not unfixable'' on me when i tell em abt my problems. Like yeah when u come up w a working treatment for my ''no treatment available'' disorder PLEASE LET ME FUCKING KNOW.

The absolute nerve to assume you know more abt my issues than i do, bruh

*PDA meaning Pathological Demand Avoidance

*MaDD meaning Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder

I was wondering if anyone had any links to posts or studies or whatevers about something i just found out about;

Apparently ppl w PDA have ''people obsessions'' or something along those lines? Every site i read about PDA keeps repeating that we're more likely to be 'obsessed' (i'm assuming they're actually referring to having special interests?) with people than other non-PDA autistics, but i can't find anything on what this actually means?

So. If anyone has anything on that i'd really appreciate it!!

Too much "it's okay to have a disorder as long as you don't let it actually affect you uwu" on here imo

Anybody else w PDA have like, One Specific Person who can get away with anything? Like she has multiple times just straight up told me to do something and it simply just Does Not trigger me at all and then i just. Do the thing. But if anyone else even tried to say the same things to me i'd blow up so fast it wouldn't even be funny

Am I the only one who despises "pervasive drive for autonomy" as an alternative to "pathological demand avoidance"?

PDA takes away so much of my ability to decide for myself what to do; it robs me of my autonomy. I struggle with doing things I enjoy because I make them into demands in my head, I can't watch weekly-airing shows because I tell myself that I have to, that I love this show, that I need to watch the next episode, and then no longer being able to. Because my brain has decided that it just Must go into fight or flight because... I am trying to decide what to do.

It just feels... gross, I guess, to dress it up as "i just have a strong sense of autonomy, i just don't like being told what to do ^_^" when it is genuinely disabling to me, not just in when other people try to influence me, but also when I want to do something and PDA prevents me.

The thing about parenting a PDA kid is that you do not control them. You are not their boss and you are not in control.

The firmer you are the less it works, the more strict you become the less they listen. 'Putting tour foot down' will do nothing but stress them and possibly cause a meltdown.

All you can do is offer comfort, assistance, and advice, but you need to let them make their own decisions, whether they be bad or good, because you cannot stop them.

They might listen to some demands, such as bedtimes or screentime or helping with chores, but only if they are offered lightly. Only if there is wiggle room and they have options.

You are not in control of your PDA child. The sooner you accept that you are not their warden nor owner, the better your relationship will be.

people with PDA, you are not a horrible person for not voting this year. Voting is important, but it doesn't make you terrible for literally being unable to vote. I'm old enough to register, have been for a year, but haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Why? It's a demand. I don't realize how much my PDA affects me until it does, in which case I find myself wanting to scream and cry at the thought of doing something, especially something so important. This makes me feel like a hypocrite, a failure, a traitor to the multiple communities I'm a part of whose lives are at stake this year. But I'm not any of these fucking things, and neither are you.

I try to urge people who are in the space to vote to do so when I can, because that's something I can do. All that matters for me is that I do what I can, when I'm able. People seem to forget about those of us with PDA when telling those who are old enough to vote, and I'm frankly tired of feeling like I'm personally responsible for the downfall of America because of how my brain works. I'm not, and you're not either.

And Did You Know…that that is part of the reason why “appears comfortable in role play and pretend” became a “key criteria” for PDA? (PDA = Pathological Demand Avoidance, or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy.)

For a long time it was considered an essential part of PDA, but it was changed to “optional” not too long ago. And for good reason. We know now that plenty of autistic people do engage in imaginative play and role play, AND that not all PDAers do.

While role play is very often just for fun, no matter who you are, it can also sometimes be used as a coping mechanism. It can be used to get out of things, or to make it easier to get through something challenging, or even as a way to mask.

It’s not always a cause for concern, but if you find your person (or yourself) spending more time as someone/something else than as themselves (or yourself), it might be a sign that some changes are needed. For example, you may need to lower stress/demands, or you may to ensure there are more places where they feel safe being themselves.

But again, it’s not always a bad thing! If your child does use role play as a way to cope or avoid things, it’s okay to just go with it in the moment. If it helps them get through doing a hard thing, just play along! If they use it to try and “get out of something,” hear that they’re telling you they can’t handle it for some reason. Maybe there’s something in their way that you could help with, or maybe they just need you to back off right now.

This is talked about a lot more in the PDA community than in the wider autistic community, so hopefully this brings awareness to people who haven’t yet come across it. But I do wanna reiterate that it is not all PDAers and not only PDAers who use role play in this way (or at all). So don’t let anyone try to tell you that you or your kid is or isn’t something over this particular trait alone.

(Image description in Alt Text.)

PDA autistic culture is hating the demand that comes with labels so much that you don’t even like identifying as agender because it still feels like…a gender (a concept which society forcefully imposed on you, and you therefore want no part of)

autism and pathological demand avoidance

i've been wanting to get back on tumblr for a while now (i used to be on tumblr like a decade ago, and i look back fondly on those memories). there's just something really nice about writing out what you think and how you feel about things. it's cathartic. i find it to be emotionally regulating. and yet the demand of consistency is something i am constantly fighting with.

pathological demand avoidance. i perceive a demand, and i avoid it. i lose all desire to engage. i get frustrated when i feel like i'm obligated to do something.

even starting this blog, i already feel frustrated and want to stop. pushing past that is difficult. i feel obligated to continue. obligated to make this a good, coherent post. obligated to write as if i am expecting an audience to read this. and yet i only want to do this for myself. i want to have a space where i can express myself freely.

i want to talk about my experiences as a trans and autistic person, and yet that very desire is being perceived as a demand. it is very disorienting and exhausting.

Let’s play “why am I so demand avoidant?”! Is it:

A.) Part of my autism

B.) Being told what to do just makes me mad (psychological reactance)

C.) The fact that the people telling me what to do are typically people who don’t respect me very much so I don’t respect them very much

D.) All of the above

PDA be like

me: i'm gonna take the trash out of our room today and tomorrow we have to go to the store :) my fiance: well i was gonna clean the room today but first i have to put the clothes away and then do the litterbox...........unless YOU want to................. me: *loses all motivation to do what i was already gonna do* ahahah yeah want is a strong word but i'll do it (with a meltdown first but i feel too guilty to say no)