Integrity - Tumblr Posts

DEAR MAN

A DBT Skill for Interpersonal Effectiveness

Use this skill to help you get what you need without damaging relationships or compromising your integrity.

Describe: State the facts of the situation.

Express: Use I-statements to express your feelings and take responsibility for them. I-statements prevent the other person from getting defensive.

Assert: Assert yourself by asking for what you need or by saying no firmly. Speak simply and clearly.

Reinforce: Make sure the other person knows what they will gain by granting your request. It’s important to reinforce that the relationship is a two-way street.

(Stay) Mindful: Stay focused on the conversion. If the person starts getting defensive, keep the conversation on track.

Appear Confident: Regardless of how you feel on the inside, project confidence with your body language; stand or sit up straight with your head held high, voice clear and strong, and make eye contact.

Negotiate: If the person isn’t on board with your request, remember that you are asking for something, not making demands. Modify your request to make it more appealing to them, and/or try asking them their thoughts on solving the problem together.

*More DBT guides here*

Just make people better at something they want to be better at. When your goals and your user’s goals are truly aligned, you don’t need pixie dust. Don’t out-spend, don’t out-friend, and please don’t out-badge. There is a world of difference between helping someone *appear* more awesome and helping them actually BE more awesome. -Kathy Sierra

Pixie Dust & The Mountain of Mediocrity | gapingvoid (via nielsteunis)

Definition of Leadership

The definition of leadership is "Guiding Intent with Integrity".  

I found the definition back in 2007 while working on my Masters of Science in Business Management, and working with the Man Kind Project. Over the years I've  collected information to help prove the definition. But this blog is not about proving the definition, but helping you understand how to use the definition to help yourself.

So, what does it mean to guide?  How does intent affect this guidance?  And, why does whether or not a person has integrity affect their ability to lead people?  

To guide someone could be as simple as providing advice, or providing directions, or doing nothing at all while that person struggles to figure something out.

Intent is the reason why that person is doing what they are doing. Is there guidance to help or hurt the person?  

Integrity is the hardest part of this equation to understand, until you understand how integrity and the social contract are intertwined.  The social contract or the gentleman's agreement is the understanding between two people on what is expected from the agreement.

And what is the goal?  Why do you need someone to lead you? If there is no place to go? That place to go is your goal.

Now comes the hardest part of the definition. There are many ways to guide, many versions of intent, and just as many people with different levels of integrity. How can all these people be leaders?

There is another set of questions that must be asked about leadership.

Who is guiding who? 

Where are they guiding you?

Why are they guiding you?

What will they get in return for guiding you?

How are they guiding you?

What purpose does this guiding serve?

Or put another way:

The Guide

The Guiding

Where

How

Reasons

Purpose

These six (6) different categories create 1000's of different types of leadership styles. Which is why after decades of searching for a definition of leadership many scientists gave up.  No plausible pattern emerged that described what a leader was, since just about everyone can be a leader at any point in their life.

While the general understanding of a leader was someone that lead a group of people, a simple store clerk leading you to a can of tomatoes is just as much a leader. This flies in the face of what many people understand about leadership, since they expect a leader to be in a position of power, but isn't that what's happening with the store clerk?  Have you given them control of your life for just a moment to guide you to that can of tomatoes?

As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, the purpose of this article is to help you understand what leadership is.  So in the blogs that follow, hopefully I can provide additional detail into the nuances of leadership.  There's a lot to talk about, and most of that research that scientists have collected can now be reviewed in light of this definition.  Maybe along the way, we'll find a way to prove the definition as well.

Can Leadership be Taught?

Leadership is not an innate trait built into genetic code, nor is leadership provided through the "Divine Right of Gaud".  No instead it is a natural phenomena that can be nurtured and taught.  There are many reasons why some people seem to become great leaders and others don't become leaders at all.  But that is for another article, in this article I'd like to discuss the topic of teaching individuals how to become leaders.

Leadership is guiding intent with integrity. These three qualitative values "Guiding", "Intent", and "Integrity" work together to help people choose a style of leadership that works for them personally as well as works for the group they are guiding.  The first step in teaching someone to be a leader is to help them see the vast range of methods used to guide.

Guiding someone is not an art.  Someone asks a question, you give an answer.  You point them in a direction.  You provide them with feedback on what has happened.  You console them.  The guidance provided though is based on your intent.

Your partner asks you if this looks good, how do you respond and why do you respond in that manner?  Do you tell them that they look good even when they don't?  Do you tell them that they don't look good in that outfit?  Is the outfit appropriate for the environment you are going to attend?  Or do you find another way to help them towards their goal?

Intent isn't just about your intent, it's also about their intent.  What is it that they intended for themselves.  If your partner wants to look good, then the language you use will help guide them to a better choice.  Or the language you use will trigger an emotional episode.  Is your intent to make them emotionally dependent on you, or emotionally dependent?

Finally there is integrity.  Integrity has many different synonyms that mean roughly the same thing:  accountability, ethics, morality, virtue, sound, honest, chaste, and so on.  In the sense that we will use integrity here, it is in relation to the social contract.

The social contract is the written or verbal agreement made between the leader and the follower.  The accountability determines whether or not the leader and the follower are following this social contract, and if not how are they correcting each others deviation from the contract?  Are they demanding that the contract be adhered to, are they  penalizing each other for not holding to the contract, are they talking about the contract as malleable  or are they looking at the social contract as the target they want to reach?

There are many different things that the social contract can become.  It can become a beacon of hope, or a weapon to beat each other up with.  It depends on how the contract is designed and what it is designed to do.  As this is an agreement between two people, the contract can always be re-evaluated and adjusted as needed.  But, in order for that to occur, both parties need to be willing to examine how the contract is affecting themselves and see how the contract is affecting others.

A good question to determine if the social contract or integrity of the people involved is in line, is to ask, "What is the goal?"  Many people use rules that determine a persons integrity.  Above 50% and you're good, below 50% and you're bad.  However, in many games there is the goal at end of the field.  In order to reach that goal all parties have to work together to reach it. So, if the social contract is written at the 50 yard line, then the parties involved are constantly battling over who is in integrity.  But if the social contract is written with a focus on the goal, then every play that helps everyone move towards the 100 yard becomes a positive reinforcing step in the right direction.

While the short answer is that leadership can be taught, there is a lot to learn about what affects leadership.  While looking at Guiding, Intent, Integrity, and the Goal we also learned that language and the social contract play an important role in the guidance given. We can make people dependent on us or independent on us. We can celebrate the small victories or fight over the small upsets, the question is what is used to measure progress, and where is the goal marker?

Further Incites into the Definition of Leadership

Not sure how different this is from previous posts. I think I've added a few more things that help clarify leadership.

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The definition of leadership is “Guiding Intent with Integrity”.  Leaders have followers, non-followers, outsiders, and observers.  Followers follow the leader’s guidance towards the goal / vision.  Non-followers have vehemently opposed to follow the leader or the goal / vision, and may work to undermine the group’s ability to achieve the goal. Outsiders do not care one way or the other about the leader, the groups or the visions.  An observer may be a follower, non-follower, or outsider, their role is to provide feedback on the group’s progress towards their goal / vision.

Guidance is council concerning the steps needed to achieve the goal / vision.  Intent or intentions are the reasons driving each individual to either be part of the group, not part of the group, or work against the group.  These reasons may or may not be expressed.  Integrity is based on the Social Contract or agreement held between the leader and the group.

People choose to follow a goal / vision, due to the Human Condition.  The human condition concerns the plurality of culture and personal values, the standards of evaluation, the satisfaction of basic needs, the maintenance of cultural identity, and reasonable conceptions of well being.  In conjunction with the Change Formula, humans want a better life, and are willing to overcome their dissatisfaction with the status quo, by imagining a future that is better than the present.   In this instance the challenge is convincing others that change is needed, or showing them a path through change that improves their lives. Based on their belief that they can achieve a better life, they will either become leaders of change, follow the guidance and council of others to achieve it, or become part of a movement.

“The true nature of power isn't about strength or control, it’s about relating to people”, Bleach, (Japanese Manga) episode 250.  

Seven Ways to (Really) Engage People

This article is in response to:

http://bnetworking.info/?p=2369

Interesting article on Seven (7) Engagement Motivators. Question: What brought this group together in the first place? It's a generic question, but usually points to the issue that people are passionate about working on and trying to solve. The more that people care about the problem they are trying to solve, the more energy, effort and fighting spirit that they will put into the project. As you pointed out, a project that has personal meaning and SMART goals remains tangible to the whole group. Relationships are formed as people discuss various aspects of the problem, ways towards the solution, and fight over the best course of action. Commitment becomes a self motivator that prevents apathy from setting in. Belief is a tricky issue though, yes I would want people to believe in my abilities, but I think belief goes much deeper than that. I suggest that you take more time to delve into how belief affects individual members, the group as a whole, observers, peers no in the group, and people who don't care about this issue. I think there is a lot that will affect the human psyche from each of these perspectives. Freedom arrives as, you mentioned, managers learn to stop micro managing the process, and rely on subordinates to follow the ISO documents that describe the step by step process. However, as long as managers are tasked with gathering metrics against the ISO documents, their ability to provide freedom may not be permissible. And, subordinates may have to rely on other venues to provide feedback into the system. As described through "The Toyota Way." Work Ethic and Integrity. The Social Contract. Whether written or verbal is an agreement and understanding about the quality of the work that needs to be performed, what each person is responsible for, and why they are there - usually their expertise. These points, in turn, point back to each individuals intentions for being part of the project. Only 10 percent of the each persons intentions will ever be exposed to the group. As a leader, following the definition of leadership, "Guiding Intent with Integrity" towards a goal, these categories plus the additional 600+ out there, need to be thoroughly understood to properly master leadership. I look forward to reading your thoughts on how the rest affect leadership, followers, non-followers, outsiders, and observers. For example, a topic you touched on, and could discuss further is, how facilitation affects a leaders ability to build stronger relationships with everyone.

What guidance would you give to a leader?

This guidence was given to "Anne Salisbury, PhD" after listening to her lecture on Fireworks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrqDGR042vg

In comparison to the lectures on meditation from SFZC.org, this lecture seemed very confusing, because it lacks two (2) key elements: the journey towards the goal, and how achieving the goal will enrich other's lives. Which, if held in thought correctly, sets up a positive feed back loop, that self motivates the individual to work towards the goal, even though it seems very far away.

An info graphic that displays this very closely, is of 10 guys sitting on a 10 case stairwell. On each stair the figure has an expression - emoticon and written expression - that describes his thoughts. At the bottom of the stairwell is exasperation at how much work he has to do. In the middle he is seeing some of the fruits of his labors. And at the top, he is jumping for joy that he has succeeded.

From a leadership perspective, with leadership defined as, "Guiding Intent with Integrity", this lecture on thoughts to meditate about would best be served by suggesting to the audience this guidance. "Think of a phrase that describes what you want to accomplish, and how you will feel when you accomplish it." Then, every time you reach a hard spot, remember to chant this phrase like a mantra. Don't allow any other thought to enter. Stay grounded and focused on this mantra until your mind clears and the solution to the problem in front of you becomes clear.

It is the readers intentions to achieve the goal they have set forth for themselves. It is the authors intentions to provide you with the best possible guidance given. As for the fireworks reference, I'm not sure what this was in reference to. Maybe it's the spark of joy that comes from reaching a goal, I guess.

As for integrity, this is the social contract between the leader and his audience. Are you in integrity by talking about meditation rituals that do not include a discussion on clearing the mind, or finding a path to permanent happiness, or even offering a clear example on how to bring happiness into your mind while it is clouded with frustration and anger?

Please take a moment to listen to the teachings from SFZC.org to understand my points. And contemplate the deeper meaning of what leadership is, and how it can enrich someone's life when applied correctly.

What denotes a Negative Leader?

This is in response to:

Avoiding negative leadership practices

If leadership is guiding intent with integrity towards a goal, then negative leadership is one style of leadership among seven (7) styles : Great, Positive, Good, General, Bad, Negative, and Dark. While leaders also interact with five (5) other groups: peers, followers, non-followers, outsiders and observers.

The qualities of a negative leader listed in the article were: - tendencies to control everything, - interfere and dictate how the job should be done, - their goal is to hijack the glory of the good results, and - to absolutely refrain from any delegation.

Other qualities of negative leaders to consider are: - their type of guidance provided? - their intentions? - how they view the social contract? - what are their goals? - responses in decision making areas?

A leader's guidance can motivate their subordinates? Or, place them under greater stress to complete the project? Does the guidance imbue the subordinate to take initiative? How are subordinates separated from each other? What words does the leader use?

What are the leader's intentions? For himself, for his subordinates, his career, and so on. Does the leader intend to share success or keep it to himself? Is this just part of a larger project? How close is the leader keep their intentions? Why did the leader join this project?

How does the leader view the social contract between him and his subordinates? Is the contract a mutual one, or is there a 75/25 split? How often is the leader trying to break the contract? What methods does the leader use to break the contract? When and how are people removed from the group?

What goals has the leader may expressed? Are there other goals in mind. Many people usually see an opportunity as a stepping stone to another, what does this leader see this goal as?

Decision making is usually situation. Here are several categories that a leader will make decisions in. They are: communications, rules, roles, problem solving, issue identification and raising, reputation, human condition, integrity, intent, guidance, promotion, individualism, group membership, group management, task management, strategies, expressions, influence, security, networking, offensive actions, defensive actions, resource allocation and distribution, governance, observation.

Then there are the other people that they interact with, the: peers, non-followers, out-siders, and observers.

How does a negative leader interact with fellow peers? How does he talk about his subordinates? How does he talk about his projects? What issues does he raise and address surrounding his goals?

Non-Followers are those that dislike the leader usually. The message that the leader trumpets usually grates against them in various ways. Either through violations of integrity, or a knowledge or distrust of their true intentions. Or it could be that the guidance is so poorly worded that the non-follower recognizes the harness of the negative leaders speech and tries to stay clear.

Out-Siders are usually unaffected by the leaders actions, discussions, goals, or day to day interactions. However, if this group has something that a leader wants / needs, they may become a target for a larger strategy to acquire that resource.

And finally, there are the observers. These individuals live in all camps. They are peers, followers, non-followers, and out-siders, who watch the leader and take in his decisions and actions from a distance. They calculate his next possible move, and contemplate what his overall objective is and how likely he is to make it. In the end, observers play a vital role for keeping leaders in check, in either reminding them about how in-effective they are, to how effective they are being, or how over reaching they are.

So, as you can see, the discussion of a negative leader is much larger than originally described. I look forward to reading more about your thoughts and findings on the subject.

Incorrect Definitions of Leadership

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-makes-leader-dr-travis-bradberry

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Summary Points of the article:

Leadership has nothing to do with seniority or one’s position in the hierarchy of a company. 

Leadership has nothing to do with titles. 

Leadership has nothing to do with personal attributes. 

Leadership isn’t management.  

So, again, what makes a leader?

Peter Drucker: “The only definition of a leader is someone who has followers.”

Warren Bennis: “Leadership is the capacity to translate vision into reality.”

Bill Gates: “As we look ahead into the next century, leaders will be those who empower others.”

John Maxwell: “Leadership is influence – nothing more, nothing less.”

So what is leadership?

DEFINITION: Leadership is a process of social influence which maximizes the efforts of others toward the achievement of a greater good.

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Definitions should be simple and elegant, to which you definition is not, and my research contradicts your definition.  

1st - Any definition of leadership must account for both the Light side and Dark side of Leadership - from Gandolf the White through Emperor Palpatine.

2nd - Leadership does not require followers. There is self leadership.  

3rd - The "Greater Good" is of no consequence to the definition of leadership, as pointed out in point #1.  Leaders can and do use the "Greater Good" to mis-guide followers.

The definition of leadership is, "Guiding Intent with Integrity".

Guidance, like coaching, depends on what the goal is, and how all parties wish to achieve it.  What you call, "Social Influence". Psychologist determined that teams follow a coach's instructions directly - tell them what not to do and they do it; tell them what to do and they do it.

Intentions are the a mix of: interests, problems, expectations, values, motivations, feelings, wants, desires, goals, rules, beliefs, education, psychological, physiological, fears, cravings, obligations, experiences, needs, strategies, issues, habits, expressions, ... to describe these visually, think of intentions as the wax in a lava lamp flowing up and down.

Integrity is maintained or broken based on the social contract between the leader and the followers. There are many cultural issue to take into account when looking into the social contract between leader and followers.

There is a lot more, for example there are 3 classes of followers, and observers.

Integrity

Integrity is the social contract you hold with others on what you will do and how you will conduct yourself when no one is watching.

INTEGRITY - The fallen child.

Kim Taehyung:

"it's very important to act with honour. whether i'm performing on stage, working on my music or introducing myself, my confidence comes from having a clear conscience and sense of integrity. i believe that's how you can set yourself on the right path."

Integrity. Choose the difficult right over the easy wrong.

“The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Think only on those things that are in line with your principles and can bear the light of day. The content of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you do is who you become. Your integrity is your destiny - it is the light that guides your way.”

—Heraclitus

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”

—Mahatma Gandhi

Paul was a good looking, class act Hollywood star at a time when Hollywood actually stood for something.

Paul Newman, 1955.

Snowdin Incident