My Life - Tumblr Posts - Page 2
*waits all week for the weekend* *does nothing*
I refuse to draw M*stra’s symbol
And I find kind of funny I find kind of sad The dreams in which I’m dying Are the best I’ve ever had
Just when you think you’re old enough to have left your whole lot of teenage angst behind, there it is coming back tenfold. I haven’t had one of those days in a while, but right now, I wish the ground would open below my feet and swallow me whole. Am I being dramatic? Probably. Emotional? Definitely. And stupid? Most certainly.
Let’s jump right into the heart of the problem shall we? To say that I am bad at socializing is an understatement. If there was such a thing as social disability,that would be me. I grew up an only child with only adults to talk to until school, where I was bullied from ages 5 to 17. It got better in college; I found like-minded people to make friends with, grew confident, and was actually able to handle my own in a crowd. Then it all came crashing down.
WARNING: The following paragraphs deal with mental health issues and may be triggering. If you’re depressed of have dark thoughts, please seek help.
So, I had a mental breakdown in the summer of 2016 and was institutionalized. I never tell people in real life that, mind you. There is still a big stigma around mental health in my country: saying you’ve been institutionalized lands you titles such as “psycho” or “nutcase”. Only close family knows about that, and only a handful of people are aware that I see a psychiatrist regularly.
Long story short, I ostracized myself from everyone that wasn’t family - and then some of my family. Willingly, or somewhat willingly. I spent all my time at home, only going out when strictly necessary. I stopped answering calls and texts. Deleted my facebook account. And as drastic as it sounds, it felt good. Being around the people I had cut myself from was no longer enjoyable, so I burnt bridges.If I’m honest, this wasn’t the first time I did that: I marveled at people being able to keep in touch with school friends, distant relatives and such, because I never figured how to. Therefore, all it took was some underlying paranoia the feeling I had been wronged to cut ties with people forever.
Long before I even sat down to write this, I realised how self-centered my way of thinking was. Resolving my issues with people, or keeping in touch, could have been as easy as a conversation. And most of said issues were only brewed from over-analysing and thinking negatively. But no, my depressed self thought if it was damaged, I might as well break it. So I did. And that lead me exactly where I wanted to be: alone.
To be fair, I wasn’t exactly alone: I had my mum, my stepdad and a couple of relatives I could lean on. But no one outside this tight circle was allowed in. Eventually, I forgot how to behave normally amongst humans that were not the aforementioned circle. Which meant that I avoided social situations even more.
Fast foward to now: I’ve been working and taking classes since october and slowly learning to let the outside world in again. Not as in trust or friendship or anything of the kind: simply basic work/study related interactions, small talk, efficient communication with colleagues and so on. I am ashamed to confess it seemed extraordinarily difficult. Every word, every laugh, every sigh, every wiggle of eyebrows has spawn endless scenarios as to what everyone really thought of me. And boy, was it unflattering. Starting a new job/course is hard enough as it is, but I also had to undermine myself believing others believed I was a failure and a loser.
Turns out they don't (I mean, not all of them at least), or I should say, they didn’t. Because of course I had to say something today and make a fool of myself in front of people I respected - and even liked - and behave like the self-centered martyr I unwillingly painted myself to be. Long story short, it was all in my head, as usual, an I overreacted, also as usual.
When you have as little interactions as I got used to, every single one matters so much you spent hours overthinking them long after they’re over. You fall asleep on a play-by-play of events, wondering what was really said, what was the hidden meaning you didn’t catch, and how it could have gone differently. As I should be well aware by now (should be), this is not how most people view social situations: they just have them and go on with their lives. And here I am, feeling sorry for myself because no, contrary to waht my delusions want me to believe, people do not put that much thought into the conversations I have with them.
Why does it matter so much to me? When did my self-worth start being solely based on others’ opinion of how inefficient I was at fitting in? What is it that makes me want people’s attention only to single-handedly turn it negative?
The only answer I could find was simple enough: I really need to grow the fuck up. Which is a sad thing to say at 25. Because let’s admit it: I have been growing backwards (does that even make sense?) for the past two or so years. Now that I have to take on new challenges, it’s time to reverse it. Sure, it’s hard to take back control over my life when I’ve pretty much left in on autopilot for so long. But I won’t give myself a choice this time. I need to fully heal, even if it won’t happen overnight. I was once a mature, sociable, healthy and stable young adult, and I will become this person again, only stronger from my struggles and mistakes.
Thank you if you read this far, I didn’t mean to write so much about, well, not much. I’m sorry if this post felt dark, and I’ll end it by repeating that you should seek help, preferably from a licensed professional, if you’re feeling drepressed, anxious, or unable to cope. Please take care 💜
After being put on hold/transferred multiple times yesterday, I was finally transferred to an off-site hotel call centre in Canada. I quickly misinterpreted this poor woman's polite, friendly Canadian disposition as openness to conversation, while we waited to hear back from another site about a reservation, which prompted this awkward moment: -Me: "So, how's Canada?" -Her quickly interrupting: "-I'm gonna' put you on hold reeeeal quick." She later returned, and we both professionally pretended I didn't ask how Canada was.
Hi! I am Cinner. \(●'◡'●)/ ~ *
Please be friendly. I don't know how to cope with rude ppl. I am sorry but i made a lot of bad experiences so please don't be mean okay? ~
Sometimes i'm scared to try new things but sometimes trying new things can be very nice and you feel better after doing it. That's why i am writing this Blog. I hope it'll won't be a punch in the Face.
If you don't like this Blog go and read another one. ^-^'
I hope your day was good. I wish you the best of luck and a good time today.
That's me and my Cat Tina. My Cats are a true cure for my Soul. They are yo unbearably cute and i love them so much. Currently I am spending a lot of time with them because i am sick. But i hope i'll get better the next weeks. Then i can continue absolving my education and become a Scientist. ^-^'
Ttyl and a big big Thankyou!
(´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)
😕"Espelho, espelho meu, existe alguém mais fracassado do que eu?" 💥😫🔫
Oh I have been distracted by new ideas and more often than not I’m tapping away on the keyboard one of those short stories for a collection.
The fan fic I finished the chapter for I have been working on it since 2011 and in that time my first Beta Reader moved two time zones away, she got engaged, married and had three child and I got engaged, married and now I am expecting my first child.
So don’t feel bad, compared to me you’re doing much better than I am
I'm 1,587 words into the next chapter of one of my fan fics with that number is going to climb higher tonight. if you don't mind sharing how many words are you into the next chapter of WHS? And I will see if I can match you; by spreading it over my two other WIPs if it's more than I usually make my chapters.
I’m actually working on Driftwood at the moment. I’ve written 458 words of my 2500 word chapter goal.
(I’ve technically got a little over 1,000 words of the next WHS chapter, but that’s probably going in the bin, so it doesn’t feel right to count it.)
Good luck with your word count goals tonight! 💕
Blue Collar
Jason Todd x reader
Reader: Female
Warnings: Pet death (dog), angst, sad reader, my writing cause that’s a ALWAYS a warning
Why I wrote this: Because I had to put my dog down on Saturday 25 January 2020
Jason Peter Todd wasn’t known to be a light sleeper. In fact if he did wake up early it was only because he’d had a nightmare but you would always be there to calm him down and reassure him that everything’s alright. You’d never wake him up early anyway as he nearly always came home late from patrol. He’d come home at 2am tonight.
Jason wasn’t awake, not fully at least, but awake enough to know that something was wrong. It was like a sixth sense. His brain kicked in making the sleep Jason was clinging to evaporte like mist. He opened his eyes to see you huddled over, back rising and falling erraticly. The sleep was still in his ears and he couldn’t hear anything which made him panic more.
Pushing the covers away he frantically pulled his way over to you and sat next to you on the bed. He saw the tears before his hearing finally kickstarted like an engine. His face turned to a frown and his heart broke at the sight of his beautiful girl crying.
“Baby? Y/n what’s wrong?” He questioned. She opened her mouth but no words came out just a choked sob. She grasped whatever she had in her hands tighter. Jason’s eyebrows furrowed until he made out what it was. A dogs collar.
“He’s gone Jay. “ She finally managed to utter out before the tears came back. Jason placed his arm around her shoulders and brought her closer to his chest as she sobbed staring at the collar through blurry eyes. “His kidneys were going when my parents took him they said he wouldn’t of lasted much longer anyway.” She sobbed again and Jason tightened his hold on her. “They said we did the right thing we ended his suffering earlier but why does it feel so wrong?”
“It’s because you loved him and he loved you. You didn’t do the wrong thing and it’s natural that you should feel like this. He’s never gone anyway he’s always going to be in your heart. You wouldn’t want him to hurt would you?” She shook your head “I know it’s hard babe but he’s in a better place now.”
“Yeah.” She muttered tears slowly stopping and her grip on his collar slowly loosening. Jason smiled at her and she smiled back, it was full of sadness and pain but it was a smile.
“I’ll always be here for you y/n I’ll make sure you get through this.”
“Thanks Jay.” She said wiping the tears from her eyes. He pecked her lips noting how salty they tasted.
“How about we go back to sleep yeah? I’m sure all that cryings probably made you feel wiped out.” She chuckled and it sounded like music to Jason’s ears. They both got back under the covers and she laid her head on his chest listening to his heartbeat as he traced random patterns on her. Eventually they fell asleep. Y/n still held onto his blue collar, she’d bought when she first got him, knowing that although her dog may not be here physically he’d always be with her in spirit.
Ok wow that was a shitty ending sorry. But I couldn’t write much more on this cause I was crying so much. The pictures below are of my dog Dougal. Love you so much pal I hope you’re having loads of fun in doggy heaven
Everyone is basically my Yellow!
procrastinating sucks. Everyone knows this. What sucks is having your entire workload glare at you, while you try so fucking hard to ignore them, making yet another playlist for everyone you care about, when your music taste is basically non-existent. But will I continue to do it? yes.
Doing my forgotten work is the future, sad me's problem <3.
this is how i see my own world in.
full of color and other celebrities like: lucas lynggaard tønnesen, thomas brodie-sangster, thomas doherty, dylan o'brien, Daniel Sharman, Tom Holland, Robert Pattinson, Daniel Radcliffe, Tom Felton and so many more celebrities that i love.
Personality Quirks/Quirks in General I Have:
-Flinch at physical contact
-Can't navigate for the life of me, but once I have a path down, I will never not go that path
-Can't solve most school locks
-Always paranoid that someone is going to hurt me. Mostly stab or shoot me.
-Paranoid of people behind me, that's why I never turn my back on people. Literally.
-Can't eat in front of people because I'm messy, and another reason.
-Literally the most mess of a person you will ever meet.
-I use literally too much.
-I cry over everything. I know I'm over emotional.
-But some reason, can't show weakness in front of strangers/my parents.
-I have a very, very good long term and short term memory.
-I always have a weird way of thinking and cannot follow the way teachers teach me.
-Due to my number phobia, both clocks and math are hard for me to deal with.
-Seriously. I have no idea what goes on during math. I just pretend to know what I'm doing.
-And also, I have a schedule for sleeping due to the phobia of numbers.
-I need every friend of mine to give me a gift, preferably a plushie, once we get close because I need something that reminds me of them + bares their smell in case I lose that person.
-I am too much of a perfectionist and can't stand when things are out of order.
-If the house is messy/my room, I can't work, sleep, and I become restless.
-I have a MASSIVE fear of losing my friends/my friends being killed my enemies.
-That's why I'm overprotective of them.
-I wear my heart on my sleeve too much, and always get broken in the end.
-I either trust completely or not at all, there's no in between.
-I have two personalities, the way I see me, and the way my friends see me. Both are very accurate to who I am.
-I constantly struggle with balance in my life.
-If you are my enemy, yoU'RE GOING DOWN. I will not let you hurt my friends. Ever. Fight me.
-I have an overwhelming fear of school shootings/mass shootings and always prepare myself for one.
-I watch scary documentaries and then go to sleep and have nightmares.
-I count nightmares as just dreams.
-I remember all of my dreams. I frequently lucid dream, but just see what happens instead of controlling myself.
-I seem chill, but I'm super uptight.
-I am drawn to people that have the "bad boy" look.
-I read too many X Readers because I need to feel loved.
-I love people watching.
-When I have a crush, I'll stalk them online.
-Animals always consider me their mate for some reason??