Poerty - Tumblr Posts

i envy the stars

I sit with wide doe-like eyes, shaded like the cold dirt below me, hands folded neatly yet stirring restlessly.

Thumbs swipe over one another, tracing how my skin forms and my heartbeat thumps when I squeeze my hands.

My eyes always drift back to the sky, back to where my mind can wander.

I've been hyper-fixated on the stars as of late. 

The way they shine, putting on a show. 

Even the singular star in the sky has a purpose, used as a wish

I envy the stars.

The sky holds plenty, some of which I'm not yet aware of, and may never be.

I asked God one day, asked the stars for green eyes like the grass or to be able to write poems about something other than grief

Something other than the debilitating way my heart seems to sabotage itself,

The way my mind curls tight vines around all things supposedly good

The way nobody asks for the pain they have been handed, 

The way nobody wants to have to piece themselves together and fix something they never broke

I envy the way some are seamlessly able to bounce back from situations

The way they can come back, shining brightly despite it all. 

Always there, even in the cold, night sky, they can be found.

A winking reminder of what is there, what could be but I cannot seem to achieve.

I envy the stars.

Yes it is

My fault

Dealers choice and I went all in too quick

Brought out that hidden side of me

From Noxious to Serenity

Thats a hell of a shock mind, body and soul

Patience like that doesn’t come easily

But regret oftentimes does while fear drives

Fly so high to only bury myself alive

The memories will fade like the blood stains

I can only lay here and pray

That our memories will never fade

You are too beautiful to be mine

And I too wounded to be yours

At this time

Yes….it is my fault.

~The Empty Toy

Coerced <<

Sat infront of the mirror

And the flowers started to wither

Strands of hair falling on my back

My wedding gown looked like a wreck.

I resented you

Whenever the night turned blue

Now you'll cut my wings

Trap me with those diamond rings.

ʰᵃⁿᵈˢ ᵒᵛᵉʳ ʰᵉʳ ᵉᵃʳˢ

ᵗʰᵉ ⁿᵒⁱˢᵉ ᵒᶠ ᵇⁱᶜᵏᵉʳ

ʰᵃᵈ ʰᵉʳ ˢᶜᵃʳᵉᵈ

ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ˡⁱˡ ᶜʰⁱˡᵈ,

ʰᵒʷ ⁱ ʷⁱˢʰ ᵗᵒ ʰᵒˡᵈ ᵗʰᵒˢᵉ ˡⁱˡ ʰᵃⁿᵈˢ

ᵃⁿᵈ ˢʷᵉᵉᵗˡʸ ʷʰⁱˢᵖᵉʳ ʰᵒʷ ˢᵗʳᵒⁿᵍ ˢʰᵉ ⁱˢ

ⁱ ˢᵉˡᵈᵒᵐ ᵗᵃˡᵏ ᵗᵒ ᵐʸˢᵉˡᶠ

ʰᵒʷ ⁱ ʷⁱˢʰ ⁱ ᶜᵒᵘˡᵈ ᵍᵒ ᵇᵃᶜᵏ ᵃⁿᵈ ᶜʰᵃⁿᵍᵉ ʰᵉʳ ᶜʰⁱˡᵈʰᵒᵒᵈ

ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ˡⁱˡ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ, ʰᵒʷ ᶜᵒᵘˡᵈ ⁱ ᵗᵉˡˡ ʸᵒᵘ

ʸᵒᵘ'ʳᵉ ʸᵒᵘⁿᵍ ᵐᵉ;

"I hated how their eyes felt on my bare existence, so I built up a circus and called it myself to give them a show other than who I am when I've taken off all my makeup and jewelry, put down my phone, and climbed into bed. I've worked so hard to play the part I've forgotten who I was when I first looked to others to see my reflection." -Nov 17 2023 Aik.

what a wonder that we live

billions of souls all glowing together

each experiencing every breath for the first time

and still we let a few reign supreme over the many

we are all just creatures,

flesh and bones with blood between and yet we surrender ourselves to society;

so willingly we sacrifice the essence to play a game in which only the creators are winning

what a wonder that we live and yet never feel alive

Too Late

The shadows crawl within the visions in my mind, Molding face after face, everything's fine. Therapeutic, euphoric colors flowing at my sides, I need help I can't breathe I'm becoming blind.

I've grown tired of all the overlapping screams and whispers. I see waves in front of me like a bass playing among the embers. Stopping these thoughts, getting sick of this curse. Starting to entertain myself before this gets worse.

Say to I "Smile through the pain." Nay, I think, there's nothing I would gain. There's so many opportunities that can't wait to be taken. Yet here I am, drowning in the abyss, making my life end.

Am I silent or am I being silenced? The energy has already been drained then I go insane. I'm sane I'm sane I'm sane, why am I still being caged? I've grown old, I've grown matured, am I already late?

The turmoil inside me has begun to settle

That should be a good thing

But now I just feel empty

As if the war inside of me has accepted its defeat

But has not lost hope

I see in your eyes your love for her

And your curiosity of me

I feel in your touch the “what if” of taking it further

The want to do it again

But now I’m wondering if I’ve become an experiment

If these feelings are worth pursuing

Or if the only time I am worthy of your affection

Is when we both have something to blame it on

- It’s not real if we aren’t sober

I believe in nothing really,

I think when we die its just nothing at all.

Or at least, there are days I really hope its like that.

And some days, I hate the idea of reincarnation and having to live again.

I wish that I’ll close my eyes and be nothing.

I wont miss the people who lose me or that I’ve lost.

I wish that I’ll feel nothing, nothing bad or good.

Be like the end of a film,

just a character and only stories can be told about me now.

But I will not be there.

I wont think

Think so hard my wires burst and melt.

No more tears over passed seasons.

And I will breath nothing

See nothing

Be no one

Be nobody

No body to starve and tailor

This flesh will be wilting into soft earth

It will all at once stop, like sleeping without dreaming, the tape halting at its end.

Still, sometimes I hope I’ll see you again and again

I just don’t wanna do this anymore

I think I am consuming myself again, I know it’s wrong but it feels so good. So familiar. Disappointing, yes, but that’s just what’s in my cards. I’m tired, always tired of waiting for something or somebody. God damn it.

“ You are so brave and quiet I forgot you were suffering.”

- Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

Tales from fiction writing class

Something you remember but you’re not sure why

I don’t know why I remember the light brown mushrooms that would sometimes grow by the flagpole. 

Sometimes, in the early hours of the morning, when I would be a safety patrol at my elementary school, it would be my job to raise the flag outside at the front of the building. The pole was surrounded by a circle of concrete that was surrounded by a circle of yellow and purple marigolds. On the side closest to the building, occasionally, there would be a mushroom that would grow there. 

Somedays, I would walk over it and try not to notice it, giving it only a sideways glance. Then, somedays, I would enjoy stepping on it and feeling my shoe softly squish it down into the dirt. I would never touch it with my hands because it could be poisonous and it would get in my mouth and kill me. 

I stomp it down then wait a month for it to regrow then I stomp it back down. Then the school gardener found out about it constantly regrowing and pulled it out by the roots and I was sad.  

For you, J

I don’t know why I’ve allowed myself to think about you so much for so long.

I feel pathetic and stupid and starkery.

I hate what I’m doing to myself 

I hate that I’ve compared so many people to you

I hate that I feel like I annoy you.

I hate that I thought we could maybe be together but it’s dumb.

I hate that I’m so sad but I have no reason to be sad.

I hate that I have created cathedrals in my mind for you, even after I said I’ll stop.

I hated that when I told you I did, you didn’t understand what I meant.

I hate that only time you ever told me you loved me was when I was sitting on your lap in your car at four in the morning and you didn’t mean it. I’ll say it now though.

I love you.

I hate that I didn’t say it back, even if I wouldn’t have been able to really mean it, but at least I would have meant it more than you.

And I hate that I’ve lost my biggest fantasy.

You have someone new but even if it lasts till tomorrow, I know I still shouldn't try to get you back. 

You’ll never read this and I’m glad.

So, my somewhat ex-lover

This is me, signing off.