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Insider Secrets: The Truth About "Old Money" Style and Breaking Into Elite Circles
As someone close to to “old money” and “new money” in Europe, I’ve learned a few secrets that I can share with you, especially if you’re trying to navigate these circles.
The trend of “old money” or “quiet luxury” style is everywhere these days. Ladies are flocking to this understated, elegant look, thinking it’s the golden ticket to penetrate old money/HNWI social circles, often driven by the hope of hypergamy.
But here’s the thing—while the allure of quiet luxury is understandable, it’s not as simple as wearing Loro Piana knits or perfectly tailored blazers.
Let me be clear:
Old money, or any big money really, isn’t just about how you dress. I’ve seen multimillionaires in torn, frayed jeans at professional events, looking like they couldn’t care less about fashion (or etiquette). Of course, I’ve also seen others in bespoke suits from Savile Row and Milanese tailors.
The common thread? Rich people wear what they want, without a second thought about how others perceive them.
Yes, brands like Loro Piana, Hermès, and Brunello Cucinelli are often associated with old money due to their quality and timeless appeal. But simply buying these pieces doesn’t grant you access to elite circles.
I’ve met women who dress head-to-toe in the latest “quiet luxury” trend—neutral cashmere, silk blouses, simple gold jewelry—yet they stand out as outsiders almost immediately.
Why?
Because it’s not about the clothes. It’s about your worldliness, your experiences, and your confidence.
Being in these circles is more about where you’ve studied, what you’ve accomplished, and where you’ve been—both geographically and culturally.
It’s the woman who spent a summer sailing the Mediterranean, the one who effortlessly converses about art, politics, and global events, or the one who knows the hidden gems in every European city because she’s lived there.
That’s what sets you apart.
Old money recognizes old money not by brands but by behaviors, experiences, and subtle cues that can’t be bought off a rack.
Wearing a Loro Piana coat (or a dupe) won’t compensate for not knowing which fork to use at a formal dinner, or being out of place in a conversation about the latest Sotheby’s auction.
Additionally, these circles are small and everyone has known each other forever. That isn't to say newcomers can't establish connections with rich people. You simply won't be seen as “one of them”, ie a person who has enjoyed the same privileges from birth.
If you really want to fit in with HNWIs, focus less on the wardrobe and more on the experiences that shape who you are.
Travel, educate yourself, cultivate diverse friendships, and engage with the world in a way that enriches you. That’s where the real currency lies.
In the end, the most important lesson is this: rich people are not a monolith. Some care about fashion and brands; many do not. What they often do care about is authenticity, and no amount of “quiet luxury” can substitute for that.
So next time you’re thinking of investing in that perfectly understated designer piece, ask yourself if it’s really what you need—or if there’s another way to truly cultivate the essence of the life you aspire to.
Stay savvy, stay genuine.
Hi to all my readers 💝
This list of my guides and longer articles will be updated periodically.
🦢 Social Skills
How to Handle Running Into a Former Friend or Ex that You’re Not Looking to Reconnect With
How & Why Gatekeep Yourself
10 Conversation Topics to Create a Deep Connection
Level-Up Tip: Sometimes, It’s Best to Let People Learn on Their Own
🦢 Social Climbing
My Experience with “Old Money” & “New Money” in Europe and England
Insider Secrets: The Truth About “Old Money” Style and Breaking Into Elite Circles
7 Subtle Ways People Try to Sabotage Young Women
Sentences that People Might Say to Undermine You
🦢 Personal Development
Why Do I Believe that I Can’t?
How to Move On Faster and Build Resilience
My Weight Loss Journey: What Works & What Fails
🦢 Art & Culture
How to Understand an Artwork: A Brief Guide
🦢 Career
How to Subtly Push Back in a Negative Job Interview
🦢 Lists
tiny daily habits for a more intentional life
🦢 Dating
Advice for Dating at University
7 Subtle Ways People Try to Sabotage Young Women
In my teens and twenties, people often told me I'd look great with short hair or suggested I buy clothing that didn't suit my figure, age, or personal style.
Their unsolicited "advice" confused me. For the longest time, I thought, why would you suggest this? Don't you have eyes in your head?
Oh, how young and naive I was.
Now, in my thirties, I know what all that poor unsolicited advice people dumped on me was about.
The point was to try to nerf my natural attractiveness and personality. That way, others who felt like they operated with less would look better in comparison.
Sabotage, especially subtle sabotage, can come in many forms. It's often disguised as advice or concern.
These are the most common ways people, intentionally or not, try to undermine young women.
Take the following "advice" with a grain of salt, even if coming from a close person.
🔪1. Appearance-Based Sabotage
Hair and makeup: Telling you to cut your hair shorter or wear less makeup, implying that you should be "less high-maintenance" or that natural looks are "more professional," when in reality, they may be trying to diminish your confidence or attractiveness.
Clothing: Suggesting you wear baggy or unflattering clothes under the guise of being "more comfortable" or "modest," which could be a way to make you appear less confident or attractive. Also suggesting clothing that ages you unnecessarily.
Body shaming: Making comments that subtly criticize your body, such as implying you should lose or gain weight, which can undermine your self-esteem.
🔪2. Career and Ambition Sabotage
Downplaying achievements: Minimizing your successes or implying they are due to luck rather than your skills, which can erode your confidence in your abilities.
Discouraging ambition: Telling you to be "realistic" or not aim too high, suggesting that you should settle for less in your career or personal goals.
"Nice girl" syndrome: Advising you to be more agreeable or not to assert yourself too much, as it might make you "unlikable" or "bossy," which can inhibit your leadership potential.
🔪3. Relationship Sabotage
Undermining relationships: Suggesting that you are "too picky" or should settle in your relationships, which can lead to accepting less from a partner than you deserve.
Toxic advice on boundaries: Encouraging you to ignore red flags or be more accommodating in relationships, which can lead to unhealthy dynamics.
🔪4. Emotional and Mental Sabotage
Gaslighting: Making you question your reality or decisions, leading to self-doubt.
Playing the victim: Acting hurt or upset when you succeed or make decisions for yourself, making you feel guilty for your achievements.
Competitive undermining: Subtly competing with you in a way that makes you feel less than, such as constantly comparing themselves to you or highlighting your flaws.
🔪5. Social and Networking Sabotage
Isolation: Encouraging you to distance yourself from certain people or networks that could be beneficial to you, under the guise of protecting you from "bad influences." When in reality these very people or networks could help you succeed in your career/school or lead to other opportunities to advance.
Gatekeeping: Withholding information, contacts, or opportunities that could help you advance, while pretending to be supportive.
🔪6. Critiquing Your Personality
Labeling assertiveness as aggression: Calling you "aggressive" or "too much" when you stand up for yourself, which can push you to be more passive.
Mocking your passions: Dismissing your hobbies or interests as childish or unimportant, which can make you doubt your own preferences and values.
🔪7. Advice to Conform
Encouraging compliance: Advising you to fit in or conform to certain norms, especially if those norms are limiting or don't align with your true self. (This is different from fitting in in environments where a certain level of professionalism is needed)
Discouraging uniqueness: Telling you that certain behaviors or styles are "too out there" or "not ladylike," pushing you to suppress your individuality.
Recognizing these behaviors is important so that you can protect yourself on time, i.e. before others manipulate you into making a choice that does you no favors.
Trusting your instincts, maintaining a strong sense of self, and surrounding yourself with genuinely supportive people can help you nip these negative influences in the bud.
Level-Up Tip: Sometimes, It's Best to Let People Learn on Their Own
One of the biggest breakthroughs in my self-improvement journey was realizing that not every battle is mine to fight.
It's easy to feel compelled to step in when you see someone making mistakes or heading down a questionable path. Here's a truth that might surprise you: you don't always have to intervene.
When I stopped trying to correct everyone - whether it was offering advice on health, debunking misinformation, or simply trying to steer someone in a better direction - I found my own peace.
It wasn’t my responsibility to manage other people’s choices. Once I let go, my life improved significantly.
You might wonder, “Isn’t it wrong to let someone make a mistake if you can prevent it?”
Consider this: how often do people truly appreciate advice, no matter how well-intentioned? More often than not, it’s met with resistance or brushed off as rude. In social climbing, this is your death sentence.
The truth is, people rarely focus on the wisdom behind your words. Instead, they often fixate on your tone or the fact that you pointed out their missteps in the first place.
So, rather than burning your energy on advice that will likely go unheeded and offend others, sometimes the best thing you can do is step back and let them experience their own journey ... Even if it includes a few stumbles.
In the end, your peace is priceless. Save your energy for your own growth, and let others walk their paths, even if it means learning the hard way.
do you see a lot of obvious hypergamy in your circles?
My experience with “Old money”& “New money” in Europe and England 🇬🇧🇪🇺🏛️💰
Europe 🍷📚💼
I come from a young country, so there is no “old money” circle to speak of in the sense of wealth spanning several generations of a family. All money here is relatively recent.
Older HNWIs (my parents' generation) mostly married people from the social circles they grew up in—uni or friends—and they usually became wealthy together. It's also the story of my parents.
In the older generation, I know a few hypergamous couples. Usually, the woman is the second wife/partner to a wealthier older man after his divorce or becoming a widower.
The children of this older generation are my age. Almost all of them are marrying people from the same background/social class. These people are mostly low key and hardworking.
No one is flashy in their everyday life, but you'll eventually find out about expensive cars, boats, yachts, watch collections, numerous properties they're renting out, vacation homes etc.
It's different with people who are the first generation of “new money”, usually self-made men in their 30s and 40s. In these couples who have just entered “new money” circles, I guess hypergamy is more frequent and obvious.
The aesthetic for women in this circle is different flavors of high maintenance. Everyone in this circle, men and women, enjoys showing off to some extent, expensive bags, watches, jewelry, cars, vacations, media appearances.
The “new money” people and children of HNWIs are like night and day, even though we're the same age.
The funny thing is that because pretty much everyone who's rich here made their money in business, these two social classes often intersect, working together as business partners. But socially, there's a very clear divide.
England 🏇🎻🍾
As for my experiences with “old money”, I was educated in England and still maintain ties there. England is populous so there's a huge variation of “new money”, and I won't get into that.
“Old money” English people can fly under the radar of foreigners at first glance because they have all those funny unspoken rules that new stuff and mainstream status symbols are gauche (eg. furniture, electronics, Birkins). Their residences are likely to be falling apart. This is perceived as "character" and "charm" in England.
But then you learn about their niche hobbies such as flying internationally regularly to watch their favorite sports team's matches, hunting in African countries, funding random vanity projects to keep their wayward kids out of trouble (they all give up in a year), and traveling between their various estates to just chill.
I enjoy visiting my English “old money” contacts, they are polite and generous, they can be genuinely sweet. But it's also obvious that they won't ever consider outsiders part of their circle, thus making hypergamy all the more challenging. You don't "network" with these people, the circle is closed.
There's this persistent, slightly sour undercurrent that collectively, they're not taking you seriously at all. Social class is set in stone in England, you don't transcend your station in life no matter how rich you become or what family you marry into.
I detected this undercurrent quite early when I moved to England and it put me off trying to get closer to them in whatever capacity. I didn't feel that it was worth it because I already have money. Hypergamy in this environment, taking into account the cons I sensed, wouldn't be a significant enough life upgrade for me. As an outsider, I could never be sure about their intentions.
Being easygoing and not nosy inadvertently turned out to be the right approach to keep lasting, if superficial connections with them.
There has been some interest of romantic/sexual nature on their side.
An anecdote I can share is once an older gentleman tried to set me up with his “tall and blonde” son. I already knew him well at that point but I still questioned his motive. I was young, sweet and naive, and at the time many wanted to take advantage of these qualities. Or maybe he genuinely thought well of me. Perhaps he wanted to test me, see what I'd do, for pure amusement. Who knows.