Social Skills - Tumblr Posts
How to handle running into a former friend or ex that you’re not looking to reconnect with
Let’s talk about something we all face at some point: running into someone from your past that you’ve moved on from, whether it’s an old friend or a former lover.
You’ve done the work, you’ve grieved, and you’ve leveled up. You’re not interested in rehashing the past or rekindling that connection. But what happens when you bump into them in public?
Often when this happened to me, I found the other person missed me and wanted to spend time with me again - even when they had ghosted me. This made me uncomfortable. They had confused me, I had to grieve the loss of the relationship and now they want me again???
Believing I owed them an explanation due to happy times spent together, I let them drag me into pointless discussions to figure out what had gone wrong years ago.
Every time, I realized our connection had ended for a reason, and my explaining only opened up old wounds.
Don't do that.
Here’s how to handle encounters with former friends, lovers and foes like a boss:
1. Stay Calm and Composed
First things first—take a deep breath. You’ve already moved on emotionally, and this is just another moment in your day. You’ve got this.
2. Acknowledge Them Briefly
If you make eye contact, a simple “Hi” or “Hello” with a confident smile is more than enough. You’re showing that you’re mature, unbothered, and not holding any grudges. No need for deep dives into what happened.
3. Keep it Short
If they try to engage in small talk, go ahead and be polite, but keep it light and brief. A quick “It’s good to see you,” followed by a natural exit, sends the message that you’re not interested in going any deeper.
4. Graceful Exit Strategies
Sometimes, it’s best to have an escape plan. If the conversation starts to linger, here are some graceful ways to make your exit:
“I’d love to chat more, but I’m on a tight schedule today. Have a great day!”
“It’s nice seeing you, but I need to finish my shopping before I forget what I need.”
“I have to go; someone’s waiting for me. Take care!”
“Well, I should get going. It was nice running into you!”
“I’ll let you get back to your day. See you around!”
5. Don’t Feel the Need to Explain
If they try to bring up the past, it’s perfectly fine to deflect. A simple, “That was a long time ago, and I’m focused on the present now” will keep you from getting sucked into a conversation you’re not interested in. You’ve moved on, and your time and energy are precious.
It’s all about maintaining your peace of mind and protecting the progress you’ve made. You’ve leveled up, and you don’t need to revisit chapters you’ve already closed.
Stay polite, stay brief, and most importantly, stay focused on you. You’ve got bigger and better things to do! 💪✨
Hi to all my readers 💝
This list of my guides and longer articles will be updated periodically.
🦢 Social Skills
How to Handle Running Into a Former Friend or Ex that You’re Not Looking to Reconnect With
How & Why Gatekeep Yourself
10 Conversation Topics to Create a Deep Connection
Level-Up Tip: Sometimes, It’s Best to Let People Learn on Their Own
🦢 Social Climbing
My Experience with “Old Money” & “New Money” in Europe and England
Insider Secrets: The Truth About “Old Money” Style and Breaking Into Elite Circles
7 Subtle Ways People Try to Sabotage Young Women
Sentences that People Might Say to Undermine You
🦢 Personal Development
Why Do I Believe that I Can’t?
How to Move On Faster and Build Resilience
My Weight Loss Journey: What Works & What Fails
🦢 Art & Culture
How to Understand an Artwork: A Brief Guide
🦢 Career
How to Subtly Push Back in a Negative Job Interview
🦢 Lists
tiny daily habits for a more intentional life
🦢 Dating
Advice for Dating at University
How & Why Gatekeep Yourself
I loved this tweet so much that I sat down and brainstormed how to gatekeep myself. ✨💋🍷
This is something that has been on my mind since entering the business world and representing our family business at events, in negotiations and meetings.
As a naive 20-something, I had to make a conscious effort to learn not to share too much about myself and family.
Even if I had a row with my sibling that same morning, at the afternoon industry mixer I'll only talk about how harmoniously we work together.
People in business, as well as any acquaintances, are not your friends. Most people you encounter daily as a young woman don't have your best interests in mind.
Here are the minor details you can share with anyone that seem personal but don't reveal anything significant about your life:
Favorite foods: Mentioning your favorite snack, dessert, or a specific dish you enjoy.
Music preferences: Sharing a song or artist you’re currently listening to.
Pet peeves: Mentioning small things that annoy you, like loud chewing or slow internet.
Daily routines: Talking about how you like your coffee or a morning ritual like reading the news.
Hobbies: Discussing a hobby you’re interested in, like gardening, knitting, or collecting something simple.
TV shows/movies: Mentioning the show or movie you’re currently watching or have recently enjoyed.
Childhood memories: Sharing a funny or light story from your childhood that doesn’t reveal much about your personal life.
Weather preferences: Talking about how you prefer rainy days to sunny ones, or vice versa.
Travel dreams: Mentioning a place you’d like to visit one day, without giving away any travel plans.
Favorite color: Sharing your favorite color or type of clothing you like to wear.
These details create the illusion of being open without revealing anything that could be used to deeply understand or analyze your life.
Gatekeep yourself, stay classy. 🎀🪞🩰🦢🕯️
10 Conversation Topics to Create a Deep Connection
In my previous post about gatekeeping yourself, I outlined some conversation topics that make you seem open but actually reveal nothing important about your life and personality.
Sometimes, when you trust someone and want to build a deeper relationship with them, you want the opposite. Topics that reveal significant and personal information about your life tend to be more intimate and complex.
These topics are also more revealing. They can lead to deeper connections, but they also make you more vulnerable.
Sharing these details might give others deeper insight into your personality, values, and life circumstances. Here are some examples:
Family relationships: Discussing your relationships with family members, any family conflicts, or dynamics.
Financial situation: Talking about your income, debts, savings, or financial challenges.
Romantic relationships: Sharing details about your romantic life, relationship struggles, or future plans with a partner.
Health issues: Revealing personal or family health problems, mental health struggles, or past trauma.
Career challenges: Discussing difficulties or setbacks in your career, workplace conflicts, or future career plans.
Life goals and aspirations: Talking about your long-term goals, dreams, or the deeper reasons behind your choices in life.
Past failures or regrets: Opening up about mistakes you've made, things you regret, or failures that have impacted you significantly.
Personal beliefs and values: Sharing your core beliefs, religious views, political opinions, or moral values, especially if they’re deeply personal or controversial.
Significant life events: Discussing events that have had a major impact on your life, such as a divorce, death of a loved one, or a life-changing decision.
Inner thoughts and feelings: Expressing your deepest fears, anxieties, hopes, or emotional struggles.
Be careful and use these topics wisely - share them only with people you trust and feel comfortable with.
Remember, when in doubt, always gatekeep yourself. 🥀✨❤️
How to Subtly Push Back in a Negative Job Interview
My inspiration for this career guide is a hostile job interview a few years back. I fumbled it because I was unprepared.
At the time, I was taking a break from the family business (I've since returned full-time), going out in the world and doing my own thing.
I met this business owner at a gala. I had already been aware of the company's reputation as one of the best in their field. We hit it off immediately. It turned out they were looking for a freelancer with my exact skillset for an ongoing project.
I went in for an interview a few days later. I tailored my presentation to their company and needs, as I usually do.
I made an effort to prepare. Overall, I expected smooth sailing as I had already made a good impression at the event. I was armed with tons of relevant experience, skills, and portfolio.
Long story short, the owner was absent that day. I was interviewed by other senior staff who, much to my surprise, went for the jugular: a stress interview.
The problem was that we were discussing a freelance project, not a permanent position with the company.
In that context, the stress interview technique was misguided at best. It showed me that they didn't understand the freelance relationship and had unrealistic expectations. Working with this client would likely be a nightmare.
Freelancers have other options, and we are looking for clear, professional, and mutually respectful interactions.
That was definitely not the case.
I was just trying to get a feel for the project, but the interviewers seemed determined to neg me.
I was angry at myself for fumbling that interview.
Not because they didn't choose me for the project. The interview was a huge red flag 🚩, so I was no longer interested in working with them anyway.
No, I disappointed myself by being powerless, not knowing how to push back in a professional way.
I was clueless as to how to defend myself without burning bridges. The latter is relevant because I might eventually have to deal with that company again in our family business.
I vowed to myself that the next time this happens (because it will), I will be prepared. So I brainstormed some sentences to flip the script when it's all stick and no carrot.
💬 1. Ask Direct Questions
"I’m sensing there are some concerns here. Could you share what specific qualities or experiences you’re looking for that you feel I might not meet?"
Translation: Let’s see if you can back up your negativity with something concrete.
💬 2. Highlight Their Approach
"I’ve noticed this interview has focused a lot on challenges and potential negatives. Is there a particular reason for that?"
Translation: Why so serious? Let’s balance this conversation out a bit.
💬 3. Turn the Question Around
If they hit you with something overly harsh, try, "That’s an interesting perspective. How does your team typically handle situations like this?"
Translation: Let’s talk about how you guys deal with these issues. I’m curious.
💬 4. Reframe the Situation
"It sounds like this project has a lot of potential challenges. What support does the team offer to ensure success?"
Translation: If you’re so worried, how about telling me how you plan to help?
💬 5. Emphasize Your Professional Standards
"I always strive to maintain a high standard of communication and professionalism in my work. What’s the typical communication style within your team?"
Translation: Let’s make sure we’re on the same page when it comes to professionalism.
💬 6. Use Silence Strategically
After a particularly harsh question, pause before responding. Let the silence do the talking.
Translation: Silence can be louder than words—let them sit with their negativity for a moment.
💬 7. Seek Clarification on Their Concerns
"It seems like there are some strong concerns about this role. Could you clarify what the biggest risks you see in bringing someone on for this project are?"
Translation: Spell out your concerns. Let’s see if they’re really justified.
💬 8. Politely Challenge Assumptions
"I’m curious about the assumptions behind that question. Could you elaborate on what led you to ask that?"
Translation: What’s the real reason you’re grilling me here?
💬 9. Redirect to Your Strengths
"I appreciate the focus on potential challenges. However, I’d love to highlight how my previous experience with [specific example] directly aligns with this role."
Translation: Let’s get back to what I bring to the table.
💬 10. Exit Gracefully
"It seems like there may be a disconnect in expectations. I believe it’s important for both parties to feel positive about a collaboration. Perhaps it’s best if we reconsider if this is the right fit."
Translation: I have options. If you don’t see my value, I’m out.
Use these techniques wisely, and you’ll not only navigate tough interviews with grace, but you might even leave the interviewer rethinking their approach.
After all, your career is all about knowing your worth and choosing who you want to work with. ✨
7 Subtle Ways People Try to Sabotage Young Women
In my teens and twenties, people often told me I'd look great with short hair or suggested I buy clothing that didn't suit my figure, age, or personal style.
Their unsolicited "advice" confused me. For the longest time, I thought, why would you suggest this? Don't you have eyes in your head?
Oh, how young and naive I was.
Now, in my thirties, I know what all that poor unsolicited advice people dumped on me was about.
The point was to try to nerf my natural attractiveness and personality. That way, others who felt like they operated with less would look better in comparison.
Sabotage, especially subtle sabotage, can come in many forms. It's often disguised as advice or concern.
These are the most common ways people, intentionally or not, try to undermine young women.
Take the following "advice" with a grain of salt, even if coming from a close person.
🔪1. Appearance-Based Sabotage
Hair and makeup: Telling you to cut your hair shorter or wear less makeup, implying that you should be "less high-maintenance" or that natural looks are "more professional," when in reality, they may be trying to diminish your confidence or attractiveness.
Clothing: Suggesting you wear baggy or unflattering clothes under the guise of being "more comfortable" or "modest," which could be a way to make you appear less confident or attractive. Also suggesting clothing that ages you unnecessarily.
Body shaming: Making comments that subtly criticize your body, such as implying you should lose or gain weight, which can undermine your self-esteem.
🔪2. Career and Ambition Sabotage
Downplaying achievements: Minimizing your successes or implying they are due to luck rather than your skills, which can erode your confidence in your abilities.
Discouraging ambition: Telling you to be "realistic" or not aim too high, suggesting that you should settle for less in your career or personal goals.
"Nice girl" syndrome: Advising you to be more agreeable or not to assert yourself too much, as it might make you "unlikable" or "bossy," which can inhibit your leadership potential.
🔪3. Relationship Sabotage
Undermining relationships: Suggesting that you are "too picky" or should settle in your relationships, which can lead to accepting less from a partner than you deserve.
Toxic advice on boundaries: Encouraging you to ignore red flags or be more accommodating in relationships, which can lead to unhealthy dynamics.
🔪4. Emotional and Mental Sabotage
Gaslighting: Making you question your reality or decisions, leading to self-doubt.
Playing the victim: Acting hurt or upset when you succeed or make decisions for yourself, making you feel guilty for your achievements.
Competitive undermining: Subtly competing with you in a way that makes you feel less than, such as constantly comparing themselves to you or highlighting your flaws.
🔪5. Social and Networking Sabotage
Isolation: Encouraging you to distance yourself from certain people or networks that could be beneficial to you, under the guise of protecting you from "bad influences." When in reality these very people or networks could help you succeed in your career/school or lead to other opportunities to advance.
Gatekeeping: Withholding information, contacts, or opportunities that could help you advance, while pretending to be supportive.
🔪6. Critiquing Your Personality
Labeling assertiveness as aggression: Calling you "aggressive" or "too much" when you stand up for yourself, which can push you to be more passive.
Mocking your passions: Dismissing your hobbies or interests as childish or unimportant, which can make you doubt your own preferences and values.
🔪7. Advice to Conform
Encouraging compliance: Advising you to fit in or conform to certain norms, especially if those norms are limiting or don't align with your true self. (This is different from fitting in in environments where a certain level of professionalism is needed)
Discouraging uniqueness: Telling you that certain behaviors or styles are "too out there" or "not ladylike," pushing you to suppress your individuality.
Recognizing these behaviors is important so that you can protect yourself on time, i.e. before others manipulate you into making a choice that does you no favors.
Trusting your instincts, maintaining a strong sense of self, and surrounding yourself with genuinely supportive people can help you nip these negative influences in the bud.
Level-Up Tip: Sometimes, It's Best to Let People Learn on Their Own
One of the biggest breakthroughs in my self-improvement journey was realizing that not every battle is mine to fight.
It's easy to feel compelled to step in when you see someone making mistakes or heading down a questionable path. Here's a truth that might surprise you: you don't always have to intervene.
When I stopped trying to correct everyone - whether it was offering advice on health, debunking misinformation, or simply trying to steer someone in a better direction - I found my own peace.
It wasn’t my responsibility to manage other people’s choices. Once I let go, my life improved significantly.
You might wonder, “Isn’t it wrong to let someone make a mistake if you can prevent it?”
Consider this: how often do people truly appreciate advice, no matter how well-intentioned? More often than not, it’s met with resistance or brushed off as rude. In social climbing, this is your death sentence.
The truth is, people rarely focus on the wisdom behind your words. Instead, they often fixate on your tone or the fact that you pointed out their missteps in the first place.
So, rather than burning your energy on advice that will likely go unheeded and offend others, sometimes the best thing you can do is step back and let them experience their own journey ... Even if it includes a few stumbles.
In the end, your peace is priceless. Save your energy for your own growth, and let others walk their paths, even if it means learning the hard way.
not to sound like a boomer, but I need some people to learn how to write emails in a semi-professional (at the very least) format so you're not cold emailing a business/potential employer/any other stranger about formal matters in the exact same way you'd DM a close friend on instagram
the formality/language can loosen up in the email chain once you've established a rapport and you match the other person if they're being less formal, but please don't have the very first email you send a stranger be written in all lowercase ultra-casual sms slang with no greeting or signature and a billion emojis
This is so, so, so very true! Each day is different, so we may “look more disabled” one day versus a different day. For example: being too exhausted one day to handle walking through Wal-Mart to shop, and using one of their motorized carts, while on other days handling the store just fine. (Happens to me occasionally, and thankfully no one has said anything, but I do get those “looks” from the ableists. I’ve been made aware of my own unconscious ableism, and it takes an open mind to get over it & give grace to myself and others.
“Choosing to be disabled”
Ableists often believe that “choosing to be disabled” is a major social problem. They aggressively believe that most disabilities aren’t real, and that people could stop being disabled if they’d just make better choices. They think most disabled people are fakers who just stay disabled out of laziness.
They may see accessibility and accommodations as “enabling”, and try to get them taken away. Or, they may try to force people into treatment (whether or not safe and effective treatment actually exists.) Or they may just be mean and hostile towards disabled people they encounter. Or any number of other things. This hurts all disabled people badly.
People with disabilities often feel like they have to prove that they are not faking, and that their disability isn’t a choice. This can lead us to worry a lot about whether we’re somehow doing this on purpose. In this state of mind, it’s really easy to find things that feel like evidence that we’re fake.
Disability usually involves tradeoffs. We can’t choose to have all of the same abilities as nondisabled people, but we often can make some choices about which abilities to prioritize. This can superficially look like “choosing to be disabled” if you don’t understand how disability works. For instance:
Medications:
All medications have side effects
Managing the condition and the side effects can involve complicated tradeoffs
There is usually more than one option
It can often be a choice of what abilities you prioritize most, and which impairments are most tolerable
You may be able to choose to make any particular impairment go away
That doesn’t mean you could choose to be unimpaired
Ableists will think you are faking no matter which choices you make. They are wrong.
Mobility equipment:
People with mobility impairments often have more than one option, and there can be complex tradeoffs.
Eg, which is more important to someone?
Being able to go further without fatigue (in a power chair) or being able to ride in a regular car (with a collapsable wheelchair)?
Being able to travel a mile on the sidewalk (in a wheelchair), or being able to use all of the subway stops (by walking)?
Being able to get into inaccessible buildings (by walking), or being able to go out without being in pain (in a wheelchair)?
Retaining the ability to walk (by spending a lot of time doing physical therapy) or being able to take a full course load in college (by spending that time on studying and losing the ability to walk)?
No matter which choice you make, ableists who don’t understand disability will see it as “choosing to be disabled”. They are wrong.
There are any number of other examples, for every type of disability. This affects every kind of disability, including physical, sensory, cognitive, psychiatric, chronic illness, and the categories I forgot to mention.
Tl;dr We all have to make choices about how to manage our disabilities, and there are often complicated tradeoffs. No matter which choices we make, ableists will think we’re making the wrong ones. No matter which choices we make, ableists will think that we are faking.
In the face of this kind of hostility, it is easy to start doubting ourselves and believing that we’re fake and terrible. It helps to remember that the ableists don’t know what they are talking about (even if they are disabled themselves). Making choices about how to manage disability is just part of life. The ableists are not experts in how you should be living you life; they are wrong and they are mean.
waiting for my turn to speak in a conversation and trying not to interrupt literally feels like I'm trying to jump into a game of double dutch
Anyone else not have any social skills, but their parents is just so good at randomly striking up conversations with anyone in their vicinity.
I'm at a coffee shop and my mom is sitting close. I've just watched her make freinds with a random woman, and here I am in the corner, staring at her like "How???? Where does this endless social skills come from??"
Do all parents have this skill?
probably my most powerful interpersonal communication hack is to, whenever possible, ask either/or questions rather than yes/no questions
for example, when chatting with coworkers, i’ll often ask if they have any fun weekend plans. but let’s be real - we all feel like friendless losers when someone asks that question and we go “uhhhhh… no.” so instead, i phrase it as “so, do you have anything fun planned over the weekend, or are you just going to enjoy having some time to relax?”
phrased like this, there’s rarely any awkwardness. you’ve presented two options & given both equally positive connotations, so your conversational partner has an automatic “out,” so to speak
but it works for higher stakes conversations too!!!! my mom was saying this weekend how she and her neighbor both like walking around the neighborhood & that she wanted to suggest they take a walk together sometime, but was worried about how to approach the conversation
so i said “how about you just say ‘i’ve noticed we both like taking walks! would you be interested in going for one together, or do you use walks for some precious alone time?’”
now Walking Neighbor has an automatic “get out of jail free card” if she wants to say no!!!! which means my mom doesn’t have to worry about the conversation being uncomfortable, because she’s set it up to go smoothly
either/or questions rather than yes/no questions. it is really like magic
probably my most powerful interpersonal communication hack is to, whenever possible, ask either/or questions rather than yes/no questions
for example, when chatting with coworkers, i’ll often ask if they have any fun weekend plans. but let’s be real - we all feel like friendless losers when someone asks that question and we go “uhhhhh… no.” so instead, i phrase it as “so, do you have anything fun planned over the weekend, or are you just going to enjoy having some time to relax?”
phrased like this, there’s rarely any awkwardness. you’ve presented two options & given both equally positive connotations, so your conversational partner has an automatic “out,” so to speak
but it works for higher stakes conversations too!!!! my mom was saying this weekend how she and her neighbor both like walking around the neighborhood & that she wanted to suggest they take a walk together sometime, but was worried about how to approach the conversation
so i said “how about you just say ‘i’ve noticed we both like taking walks! would you be interested in going for one together, or do you use walks for some precious alone time?’”
now Walking Neighbor has an automatic “get out of jail free card” if she wants to say no!!!! which means my mom doesn’t have to worry about the conversation being uncomfortable, because she’s set it up to go smoothly
either/or questions rather than yes/no questions. it is really like magic
probably my most powerful interpersonal communication hack is to, whenever possible, ask either/or questions rather than yes/no questions
for example, when chatting with coworkers, i’ll often ask if they have any fun weekend plans. but let’s be real - we all feel like friendless losers when someone asks that question and we go “uhhhhh… no.” so instead, i phrase it as “so, do you have anything fun planned over the weekend, or are you just going to enjoy having some time to relax?”
phrased like this, there’s rarely any awkwardness. you’ve presented two options & given both equally positive connotations, so your conversational partner has an automatic “out,” so to speak
but it works for higher stakes conversations too!!!! my mom was saying this weekend how she and her neighbor both like walking around the neighborhood & that she wanted to suggest they take a walk together sometime, but was worried about how to approach the conversation
so i said “how about you just say ‘i’ve noticed we both like taking walks! would you be interested in going for one together, or do you use walks for some precious alone time?’”
now Walking Neighbor has an automatic “get out of jail free card” if she wants to say no!!!! which means my mom doesn’t have to worry about the conversation being uncomfortable, because she’s set it up to go smoothly
either/or questions rather than yes/no questions. it is really like magic
probably my most powerful interpersonal communication hack is to, whenever possible, ask either/or questions rather than yes/no questions
for example, when chatting with coworkers, i’ll often ask if they have any fun weekend plans. but let’s be real - we all feel like friendless losers when someone asks that question and we go “uhhhhh… no.” so instead, i phrase it as “so, do you have anything fun planned over the weekend, or are you just going to enjoy having some time to relax?”
phrased like this, there’s rarely any awkwardness. you’ve presented two options & given both equally positive connotations, so your conversational partner has an automatic “out,” so to speak
but it works for higher stakes conversations too!!!! my mom was saying this weekend how she and her neighbor both like walking around the neighborhood & that she wanted to suggest they take a walk together sometime, but was worried about how to approach the conversation
so i said “how about you just say ‘i’ve noticed we both like taking walks! would you be interested in going for one together, or do you use walks for some precious alone time?’”
now Walking Neighbor has an automatic “get out of jail free card” if she wants to say no!!!! which means my mom doesn’t have to worry about the conversation being uncomfortable, because she’s set it up to go smoothly
either/or questions rather than yes/no questions. it is really like magic
ok so there’s a game me and my friends play called “don’t get me started” and basically someone gives another person a random topic and they have to go on an angry rant about it and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to us at parties and car rides so I highly recommend playing sometimes with your friends
Venus in the 10th house culture?
👛Being well-liked by authority figures.👛Talented at making and maintaining contacts.👛Wanting to achieve a harmonious social status.👛Attracted to older and more established individuals.👛Keeping up with fashion and foreseeing new trends.