Yearning Hours - Tumblr Posts
oh what i wouldn’t give to be sitting in a hammock lightly intertwined with a beautiful boy who has a warm smile and hands, contrasting cool night air while we listen to the beckons of nature creating a soundtrack to our new inside jokes and ideas of life, becoming unknowingly fond to the notion that these will develop to plans and promises
yall, i’m not gonna lie. ive not been nearly as horny as ive been making it out to seem on here the past few days. IM YEARNING. i’m just emotionally horny!!!
Mmm ok. Sleepy. Emotionally I am cuddled between two goth boyfriends who love me and kiss my chest when I’m having pains. They know I feel safe and cozy bundled up between them. 😴🥰
My Emotions (Romance wise, as an alloromantic unfortunately)n
honestly speaking im lowkey feeling mad lonely romance wise. the issue is i know in theory that a romantic relationship requires commitment and effort and all of the ingredience to form a rs. what i know even clearer is that especially right now with all my commitments and with all my physical and mental issues i might not be able to make it out if its the wrong person for me. however, in practice its like the emotional side of me still wants (needs) certain things, things that everyone else seems to be getting now a year into uni. some part of me wants someone to tell me they find me genuinely fascinating romantically, but i can't shake off that friend vibe ive got going on with everyone. the worst part is i know im relatively ugly where i'm currently at and i can't help but wish i was fairer and had prettier features than what i do right now. even worse is the fact that any relationship i were to pursue right now would have an expiry date or the person would have to take on the insurmountable task of convincing my parents to marry me which will not happen and i am not someone brave enough to go against my parents' decisions. so rationally (and obviously) i am not in the dating pool, but can't help wanting someone to pull me into the waters and let me drown with them for a while till i crawl back to shore.
my head in his lap, his fingers slowly carding through my hair. the leaves are starting to turn. the seasons change. time passes. we grow older. but he still loves me.
i look at this boy and i get sick to my stomach knowing that he will never like me back.
stay safe because i like being alive at the same time as you.
Holding hands is one of my favorite things ever, like romantically platonically etc etc. like god, it is such a nice feeling.
Playing with someones hair as they’re laying in your lap is one of the top 5 best feelings in the world
I keep seeing that one “the closet is an awful place to die” and the “it doesn’t matter how long you’ve buried it, dig it up” photos that are on pinterest and they’ve been the only things i can think about recently
Real
liking a girl will make you go feral and want to die btw
i want to live through art and touch the hearts of those who yearn for love, without lifting a finger. i want to be heard and felt and remembered merely as an untethered spirit who roamed the world and brought an unforgettable aura into the atmosphere. 
one kiss wasnt enough. she stamped her scarlet letters onto my skin, singeing a trail of rose petals along my neck.
actually sleeping with someone is so nice like waking up in the middle of the night and snuggling closer or lazily giving them a kiss or just feeling their arms around you squeeze slightly even though they’re in a deep sleep or handholding while you both are asleep ugh that’s that shit I like
I want to cover you in several large lipstick smooches like a loony tunes character -- I'm bugs bunny when he's in drag, btw
I want to get married just to get divorced because yeah the feeling of yearning for someone you’ve been crushing on is so fun but it feels kind of childish. you start dating and then you get married when you’re old enough and I feel like somewhere around that long period of time the yearning feels forgotten because yearning is essentially associated with love. so sometimes that love slips through the cracks of your fingers and in between coming home late and ignoring calls and petty fights and giving half assed responses just to receive a “are you going to actually talk with with more than one word or am I going to be having a monologue all night?” and going upstairs to see them still awake but ignoring you. you get used to it. you get so used to it in fact that you don’t expect it to end.
next thing you know is that you’re at the beach house (the one you have dreamed about having together when you were yearning for your lover), there’s a divorce paper with your lover’s signature on the marble kitchen table (the one you both took time picking out, mindlessly walking through an ikea hand-in-hand but your stomach hurts and you can’t tell if it’s because of the overwhelming PDA and love that’s rushing through your veins or the ice coffee you’ve been sipping on with your free hand) and suddenly you’re getting a call from your lawyer while you’re trying to process your emotions, you can’t really figure out what the most appropriate response is because even though you did know you would get divorced you didn’t properly prepare for it.
now you’re standing in the kitchen, the phone call ended and you’re thinking about what went wrong, when you already know. so you sign the papers all while you tell yourself “it’s for the best.” but is it really? did you dream this part too when you were 16 years old thinking about the future with the love of your life? and the answer is no, you didn’t. now you’re trying to learn how to live without them because it’s think that it’s better this way.
but it’s not better, because how could it be better? when they move into their parent’s house until they get themselves together but you still see them sometimes across the grocery store and you’re thinking about how nobody else in the grocery store knows that you used to wake up next to them for more than 10 years. that you still catch myself making coffee for two (one is exactly the way they liked it). that you still get up in the middle of night to a cup full of water because they used to get thirsty in their sleep. that you know every little thing about them and still see them in everything and now it’s gone and then you realize you’re yearning again and you need them more than you ever have and it’s a different kind of want.
i feel alive when he is near. his voice makes my heart flutter. his scent soothes me. he is home, gentle and sweet. i want to be his completely.
his, always.