Tw: Sh

Tw: sh

If I could, I'd cut out all the bad and rotten parts of my body.

But it seems to me like there is nothing left to safe.

Tw: abuse

Me vibing but suddenly I remember all the times he hit and manipulated me into apologizing to him because he had to hit me.

Not fun. Not what I wanted to randomly remember. Why the fuck does my head keep reminding me of all of that shit??

And the worst part is that I still can't belive someone loves me if they don't hurt me. Like, the way I was taught love works, is always through hurting me.

I don't want that.

Tw: mention of sh, drugs, overdose, sexualization

I had a dream and it was so weird.

Like, at first at was more of a nightmare, everyone left me, I was self harming in the dream and I looked like shit.

Anyway, when I got to my room in the camp where the dream was playing, there were two men and that is awesome.

Because I asked if I could have a cigarette and one of them made me one and there were drugs everywhere and the man just gave me the drugs for free when I asked.

And they were like really nice and told me I looked pretty (even tho my face was all red and swollen from crying) and explained how to take the drugs that I haven't taken before.

And they were like also really big on concent, since one of the drugs was a love drug and they were like, you both gotta consent!

And I think they also kissed once and laughed and than I think I died because of an overdoses and woke up??

It was so weird, anyway, I really want to actually meet two people like those two, I just wanna be held and comforted...

Maybe I'll just go back to sexualizing myself for attention, it's easier and I really want to feel wanted rn.

But I also know that it's a terrible choice...

What should I actually do? I don't know, I just don't know.

My sister and I are just scrolling through her instergram and I see someone I don't know and ask who is this?

And she answers with oh, I was in jail with him.

She is an activist btw, she didn't actually do anything.

People, you won't belive it but I just woke up and it's 2 am and I still feel good.

Like, I dreamed about him staying over night and for some reason we were making cookies at night and he fell asleep on the dream.

I loved it. And yeah, I just woke up and am still happy. Hehe :)

I hope he got home safe and sleeps well

Tw: ed

I think I'm doing not good.

I am feeling nauseous and dizzy and everything is spinning and there are black spots everywhere.

But I've missed this. I've missed it so much...