But You Seem So Put Together.

“But you seem so put together.”

I’m not going to lie.  When I tell people that mentally I am a pile of disaster, there are plenty who are shocked.

It makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.  You all get to see that I am actually a human puddle, and not at all put together - so I laugh.

But it also puts more pressure on me to keep up the facade, because apparently it’s working.  And that is just exhausting.

Coming to this conclusion filled me with a bit of relief, but also immeasurable sadness.

I haven't felt this lonely in a while.

This is a boring post. You’ve been warned.

I think I’ve decided not to pursue a romantic relationship with the girl I was considering recently.

I like her as a person and i would (genuinely) like to be her friend. I am having dinner with her and two mutual friends this week, and I’m looking forward to it .

I just…. Really need a more confident partner. Someone more sure of themselves. Someone who can give me assurance and encouragement when I’m trying to be brave. I feel like between the two of us, I am the bolder one, and that does not give me confidence is a good ‘us.’

Let’s be honest, I can fake it pretty decent, and the genuine stuff does come sporadically, but I can’t maintain confidence sufficiently for myself let alone for two of us.

We didn’t even get far enough for us to have to have conversation about 'not pursuing’. We were leagues away from that. I don’t know how that could possibly feel more awkward than if we were both more invested. But I’m feeling weird about it.

Anyways - being choosy about my other half and identifying ’ must have’ qualities is progress enough for tonight.

I've just impulsively installed Tinder. Someone talk me out of this.

Two years ago I was pregnant. I screamed at my dash and punched my steering wheel and melted down hard after taking the second one. I was stoic and unfeeling most of the time, but this... This was too much.

I don't know why I can't bring myself to throw these things out.

All I can think of when I’m trying to add the bio is:  Hi, I’m broken.  Don’t make sudden movements when we’re in close proximity. I may lose my shit if we have sex. I will probably cry hard for no apparent reason.  In public.  And there’s a 60% chance I’ll ghost you without warning.  Oh and I like hiking, reading and food n shit.

I’ve just impulsively installed Tinder. Someone talk me out of this.

Most days.