I've Just Impulsively Installed Tinder. Someone Talk Me Out Of This.

I've just impulsively installed Tinder. Someone talk me out of this.

Most days.

I try to explain this to people. They say they understand, but they don't really get it.

Dirt.

There are still secrets of his I keep under lock and key.  Not abuse stuff.  Health things.  Quirk things.  Embarrassing things.  The type of stuff you only discover when you live with a person and you see them at their most vulnerable.

I’ll take these things to my grave because I respect that bond we had.  I am not sure he’s offering me the same courtesy.

Part of my healing has been coming to terms with that.

This is a boring post. You've been warned.

I think I've decided not to pursue a romantic relationship with the girl I was considering recently.

I like her as a person and i would (genuinely) like to be her friend. I am having dinner with her and two mutual friends this week, and I'm looking forward to it .

I just.... Really need a more confident partner. Someone more sure of themselves. Someone who can give me assurance and encouragement when I'm trying to be brave. I feel like between the two of us, I am the bolder one, and that does not give me confidence is a good 'us.'

Let's be honest, I can fake it pretty decent, and the genuine stuff does come sporadically, but I can't maintain confidence sufficiently for myself let alone for two of us.

We didn't even get far enough for us to have to have conversation about 'not pursuing'. We were leagues away from that. I don't know how that could possibly feel more awkward than if we were both more invested. But I'm feeling weird about it.

Anyways - being choosy about my other half and identifying ' must have' qualities is progress enough for tonight.

Ghosts

Driving in our his neighbourhood this evening. That tightness in my chest returned.  I held my breath when I drove past our his road.  

The neighbourhood is haunted.  Cursed.