Enoughdonegone - It's Not Fine.

One time he nearly choked me out because he wore one of his socks inside out.

I am organizing and shredding paperwork today. It's an insurmountable task and it makes me sick to my stomach. It's the only chore that gives me irrefutable proof of failures and horrible memories.

I have found so many things with both of our names on it still. Every time I think I've got it all, I find another stash.

I was off for a few months owing to covid. It was the first time I have taken an extended breath since I was a teenager.

It gave the trauma time to catch up to me. I feel it all. I am so damn tired.

My Own Worst Enemy

Every day some part of me wishes I could go back in a time machine or something.  Not just to the day that I met him, but long before that - maybe to the age of 8 or 9.

If I changed some decisions, maybe my self worth would have been healthy when I met him. Maybe his smooth-talking wouldn’t have hooked and dragged me in.  Maybe I would have felt like I deserved more that a boy who told me I was pretty but made me feel unbalanced all the time. 

Perhaps then I’d be sitting here working confidently and not steeping in self doubt.

you do things despite feeling afraid. you get out of bed when your mind aches. you ask for help when you need it and try not to stay inside all day. you try to talk yourself out of bad choices. you search for the good things and beauty that are hard to notice. you tell yourself that things will get better, despite feeling otherwise. you treat yourself gently, even though you’re never far from wanting to return to square one. you try your best despite feeling tired. you’ve come a long way from where you started. you want to heal and you’re getting there. that’s something to be proud of.