Sometimes, Alfred Isnt Around To Do The Grocery Shopping / Is Sick.theyre All Adults Though, They Can

sometimes, alfred isnt around to do the grocery shopping / is sick. theyre all adults though, they can buy their own food

it’s easier to go grocery shopping after patrol, when there arent as many people around in stores

that means they go buy groceries in costume because going home to switch clothes and then come back to shop is such a waste of effort when all you want to do is crash into your bed and sleep for hours

on one such occasion: the red hood and nightwing walked into a walmart, already arguing (”we’re not getting fucking 10 boxes of cereal, screw you–” “you won’t survive the winter.” “–you can have one.”)

they bought vegetables and fruits at the red hood’s insistence. also a strange amount of corn?? and cat and dog food.

they stopped at the milk section. “what percent of milk does A usually buy?” “uh. the normal percent?” “fucking shit.” they spent the next 15 minutes trying to deduce what kind of milk batman would like based on his personality. (”listen, i’m certain it’s whole milk.” “no, that asshole would absolutely buy organic gotham milk to support the local farmers or whatever.”)

“fuck.” “what?” “is robin vegan or vegetarian.”

neither of them remember so they end up arguing about vegan options while already holding two milk cartons (whole & nonfat; “listen, if they want something in the middle, they can just mix these in a glass, it’ll be fine.”) “almond milk sounds promising.” “what if he’s allergic to nuts?” “soy then.” “no, bad memories. coconut.” “the milk isn’t for you anyway, you asshole.”

after they decide on one almond, one coconut, they realise they have to choose if they want the milk to be sweetened or not.

cue another 15 minute argument deducing milk preferences based on personality

the coconut ends up being unsweetened (”it seems like it’d already be sweet, right?”), while the almond would be sweetened.

a long pause. “is anyone lactose intolerant?” “i hate you.”

as theyre looking at the lactose free options for milk, around 10 minutes in, the red hood exclaims, “fuck, the vegan options already are lactose free!” nightwing startles, but seems too tired to even reprimand him.

its 6 am

theyve been here for 2 hours

they buy 4 milk containers, a shitload of fruits and veggies, animal food and 10 boxes of cereal.

the red hood is not amused

(damian really starts liking almond milk and refuses to drink any other version.)

My firm and very sincere belief that Tim Drake and Damian Wayne are the brothers that completely affirm each others paranoia fuelled contingencies for really inane situations. Its the most irritating thing ever. Like Damian will say “what if this girl scout is really just a means for someone to poison us” and Tim will instantly say “you’re so right, we need to do a homeland security level background check on the entire girl scouts chapter in gotham immediately”. The definition of bring out the worst in each other.

They’re not allowed to be in any living situation together without supervision because the last time they were left alone in the manor together, they literally created such stringent security measures that not even Alfred and Bruce could get into the house.

uwahh…!!! *magical girl transformation but instead i turn into a dead body*

Jason: 'You'll never find the body' is such a boring threat. A better threat would be; 'You'll never stop finding the body.'

Tim, bored: Or just say, 'They'll be finding parts of you for at least four months...and you'll still be alive for three of them.'

Jason: Now that's a threat!

Dick, covering Damians ears: *horrified silence*

Batfam: Oh sure we can! (track Jason)

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Bruce: You know you can stay, do you?

Alfred: Indeed, but I'm sure Master Jason might take care of them.

Words from “In Blackwater Woods” by Mary Oliver