Selfharn - Tumblr Posts

Cvtting for fun....why not <33

cvtting as a punishment <33 cvtting as a reward <33 cvtting while listening to music <33 cvtting to feel smth <33 cvtting bc you’re bored <33 cvtting while watching ur fav show <33 cvtting <333

When you had cut yesterday evening and next day in the morning you had volleyball match.....

Very clever move ngl

So you know....my hands and legs are fucking barcode and I wear long sleeves....but it's warm so I decided to wear shorts but still long sleeves....

and my mum was 'why aren't you wearing short sleeves'

I said nothing.

And when I was doing the dishes she rolled up my sleeve and saw what she saw....scars. And she was 'really ?'

Then she left the kitchen because she was working in the meantime....and when I went upstairs to give her coffee she asked about my cuts .... 'when ? Why ? You really can't stop ? You know you won't be able to hide it. Now you're doing it somehow but summer is coming and you'll have to wear short sleeves'....

well....nice.... that's funny attitude

My mum finding my cuts on my arm: oh no....you can't hide it whole summer.... people will see...why can't you stop ?

My mum finding cuts on my thighs: oh no...people will see....you can't hide it whole summer....people will see ...why can't you stop ? If you really have to do something like that them go running or yell at me....

Me thinking: I hate running and I don't yell at people...even at those I hate....

Also me thinking: what about my mental health ? Guess it's not important

My "dad" is so weak....

He can't handle conversation about my self harm. He had left in the middle and now is mad at everyone.... My "mum" is sad about that....

And I'm the younger there but the strongest....

Funny

Now I know why he's mad at me...

Because I didn't show him my arm

Well, that's a very mature move, "dad". Let's be mad because we don't have what we want.... isn't that childish ?

Cutting yourself while having mental breakdown, panic attack and identity crisis hits different especially when you're in your aunt's house where you were supposed to feel safe and better.....

And I'll have train in two hours and I don't know if I am not going to have another in the train....

I really hate it when my "mum" keeps looking at my scars and says "I can't look at them."

Then stop geezz..... it's not that hard

And her nagging about "what will you tell the doctor if he/she asks ?" (I am preparing for a driving licence course and I have to meet the doctor first) What can I tell her ? The truth what else ?

I hate that my "dad" wants me to get rid of the scars no matter what... He says that I should use collagen to get rid of them....I don't want to....

Them being scared of other people and their thoughts....

Cutting with your not dominant hand is thousands times better because you don't have enough practice and you actually don't feel the limit and you cut deeper.... that's funny tho

Again....too tired to cut

While I was working in the stable I was wearing T-Shirts and my scars were visible.

And one day one girl asked "what happened to your arms ?"

I shot a glance at my scars, shook my head and said "Nah, that's nothing."

Then she added "You got scratched pretty bad."

"Yeah." I answered and that's were our conversation about my scars finished

⚠️Tw suicide/selfharm mention/vent⚠️

I am thinking about suicide again

I wanna die because.....

Why I wanna die ?

Maybe just because....

Maybe because I am useless

Maybe because I am not worthy

Maybe because I am not enough

Because I am nothing

Because I don't deserve to live....

I don't deserve to be loved, to love, to exist....

I am nothing and no one ever would love someone like me so why live if anyways I end up dead...

Why live if anyways I be annoying, useless, not worthy, not enough....

No one cares if I am alive or dead ....

No one cares if my arms are covered in cuts and scars....

As long as I have good grades

As long as people see me as a kind, good and clever person ....

No one cares and no one will .....

If so then why live ?

Why suffer so much when you can die

Why be alive and be called a problem

I don't want to live

I don't want to be alive

I want to die

To disappear and never come back

Yesterday I relapsed after 4 fucking months....

Promises are made to be broken, right ?

I'm on a holiday trip with my "parents" and here are horses and as I horse rider I am I am helping kids. And when we were waiting yesterday for an owner to come and start the lesson one kid looked at my barcode-arms and asked "What happened to your arms ?"

I said "Oh, that's nothing."

Other kid, older one, said "Did the cat from this morning did it ?" (In the morning I'd put a cat on my shoulder to keep it away from the dog and the owner said to be careful because it might scratch me )

I ofc said no and we didn't continue the conversation but kids are kinds intelligent....they sometimes think

I am done. My mum, while we were coming back from the stable, decided to talk with me about my cuts and sh so she parked the car somewhere and said "Tell me honestly, do you still cut yourself ? You know that your cutting is so hard for me to handle."

I said that I stopped cutting (what is a lie)

She "You've changed, I can see it and I think you still cut yourself."

"No, I don't."

"Can you please give me your every blade and razor?"

"Sure"

"You won't hide any?"

"No" (ofc I did)

"It's so hard for me to handle your cutting."

I don't think I've changed but okay....I will give her my blades but I've already hid few. But my mood ? Totally dropped....I don't know anymore....

⚠️Tw/sh talk ⚠️

I want to cut so bad but also I don't want to move

I don't want to undress to find perfect place

I don't have energy to look for razors

I don't have energy to wait for cuts to stop bleeding

I don't have energy to hide those cuts

I don't have energy to cut

I just don't

It's hard....

It's getting harder everyday

Knowing that you're not enough

Knowing that your mental illnesses aren't enough

Knowing that people at my university got it worse

They do

There are people who are half-blind

People with autism

People with worse sh history than mine

I can't

I can't do this anymore

I can't even be good at this

I suck

Failing my exam is perfect reason to cut and punish myself for not being enough

Probably my "mum" will keep checking on me knowing that I take failures to my heart and it affects me deeply but I'll find opportunity to decorate my skin

I just relapsed....

Why?

Just because

Because I felt like it

Because I'm a fucking failure

Because I can

⚠️tw sh

I had a dream where I hit beans !

But like my leg was almost torn open in two

So it was more than beans

And I found nurse who agreed to stitch it and I btw met my classmates...and a handsome doctor

But I don't know how this ended because I was in short coma and then I woke up