Excerpt From My Diary - Tumblr Posts

You will come back. You will try again. Those tired hands will raise the sword again. You are a warrior, the best I've known. Right now you're crumbling with the waves. But I see you. And with the fire reflected in your eyes, I know you will rise to fight again.

Katie, 15:45

They say that being sensitive is a tool of the weak. I say it takes courage to feel everything.

What is it to know better?

I have slept with a loaded gun under my pillow since you've left

To remind me of your ironclad, torrid presence

The safety aching to turn as I held your red-hot remnants with steady hands pointed at my reflection in the mirror

There should have been more consequences to loving you

I was blood-stained and wounded

Self-inflicted and yet alluded to your copy-cat style stolen from some grey-faded, even older man who was supposed to love you

And I shove my hands in deep into my insides desperate to find the last of you haunting my body

But it was only my intestines that fell to the floor

And my dignity, that i'd rip myself apart for 'just some boy'

Soon i'd find you had already slithered your way to my mind

Atrophying my prefrontal cortex for dinner like a snake suffocates its prey in a serpetarium -- cowardly and given and all for show

I was hauled away for chasing childish infatuation for the notion of a twin flame

When, in actuality, it was a game of cat and mouse

You, this impression of a divine being with an omnipotency that had been painted with heavenly blues i'd never comprehend

And me, impressionable and small in your looming stature, desperate to be led by a calloused, clawed hand

So, you watched with those large green eye amongst the shadows until you pounced upon me

It was agonizing for you to be the only victim

And I now wait behind these padded white walls that I swear I could see your tiny face within

A solitude they were all so desperate to lock me within

So I couldn't run my mouth about those fabricated blues that were sworn true by sticky tongues of motherless boys too old to be playing with their food

Boys that will never be old enough to know better than to wrap needy fingers around girls

Little girls that'd never be taught what it is to know any better

-lauren a.p

'I loved a God'

I loved a God

Or some story book illusion that had enraptured the masses

Hypnotized by a certain faith

That took the form of ink-blank tentacles strangling my sense of autonomous thought 

He wore a mask 

Of a noble saint, of a vestel ghost, of an angelic statue

A sculpture crafted from idyllic marble

A utopian canvas devoid of defect as if it withstood the plague of sin from the hands of its coveters for over a hundred years

He was depicted as poised, bare and chiseled to define a celestial body

Eyes cast over the congregation, as it looked out into something they could only pray to comprehend

He bore the hands of a man such as the parish below him

The dirty hands of a gracious lover

And he had singled me out in the rays of June’s sunlight

Clouds parting as though it were at his command

And I drowned in his embrace the numerous nights he held me

With those hands made from spoken word and calloused living

And told me we were made for each other

That he had crafted my being for his righteous touch

That I was a wrongful castaway meant for the golden skies he resided within 

That my skin was far too delicate to live amongst the sin and torment of an unforgiving earth 

It’s strange, strange how I did not like myself until he touched me

How much his living in an idolized notion gave me purpose far greater than what I could manage within my own mortality

I would have built him cities and towns and roads

I would have slain the opposition and dominated wayward creatures

With blood stained hands and sweat in my eyes

All in his name

All in an effort to gain a glance that was not tainted in a painful undertone

As I craved to hear him say the coveted words of desire far beyond that of my wilting figure

That he needed me as much as I needed him

I waited around the phone like a lost dog awaiting its owner’s call at the door, hungry and still wet at the mouth.

I had only wanted the simplicity of another’s embrace

And when I finally got my fingers under that mask

That shield from my desire and my loyalty and my vengeful notions

I clawed through its many layers to discover he was nothing more than a man

A man who had been hurt

By another god before him

-lauren a.p

05.22.2024

A journal entry from 09/09/22 (aka an abrupt author's note)

Look, I just had to write this down while it's still fresh. Allowing yourself to feel is the most liberating experience you may ever endure. Angst and melancholy and selfishness and apathy and laughter. All of it. Solitarily and all at once and in random bursts of hot tears or ladened thoughts or clenched fists or smile lines. It's terrifying and awful yet scandalously enticing. A fragile hope for normalcy outside of dissociative thought.

My mind has yet to try to escape since I met him. It hasn't yearned for the stories that'd never be spoken due to their non-existence. It hasn't craved the spotlight of an unreliable narrator and a broken storyline with a happy never-ending. It's complacent. Unmovable. As though it has anchored itself to this very moment, like it has something it's dying to tell me, but its words can't be heard.

Happiness? It can't be. I have never been so stressed and confused and exhilarated and horny and immature and grown-up and feral and up-and-down and lost. Emotions that have been strangers to my thoughts have become involved with a tumultuous affair with my impulse control, hijacking the station and forgetting to switch to autopilot. Everything is in my hands: I've never felt so in control of a disorderly enigma.

I'm reveling in the skepticism.

I'm collecting bugs and reading memoirs and making detailed connections between Lolita and Nobokov and butterflies. I'm doing pilates and dancing and crying and spiraling, all with a smile upon my lips and tears in my eyes

I'm everything all at once.

Is this normalcy? A reality outside of my own fiction? A world exhibiting raw truths and vivid emotions?

I don't know, but i'm excited to find out. I think.

-lauren a.p

Hello all fellow readers and writers and observers alike.

I’ve been trying to find the right words to express a sincere introduction to my page and my presence on the poet/writer side of tumblr, and I hope this suffices (funny how I’m some form of a makeshift author and yet struggle to write a simple welcome note). So, I figured a quick awkward rambling and greeting would do the trick!

I have been writing since I was a teenager, and have kept all my deepest thoughts, feelings, desires, humiliations, confessions, etc. in multiple moleskin journals over the many years I have been spilling my guts upon their lined pages. Long has there been any source of outlet for my creativity, such as classrooms and clubs, that has surpassed the confinements of these hard back diaries. Recently, in an effort to express my thoughts, poetry, and mini excerpts in a manner that both brought me out of my comfort zone and allowed me to join a community of individuals who sought the same thing I did: to write and to read and to revel in the creative power that an author can emit through written word, I created an online form of a diary: accordingtolauren.

So, I guess all that wordy prose is to say thank you for taking the time to read my work! I definitely am not in any way a professional or educationally trained in the art of writing, but there is truly nothing I love more. My name is Lauren, you can call me that or lauren a.p, or accordingtolauren, or just another hopeless poet that will happily listen to your own vegabond thoughts.

Anywho, I truly appreciate each and every person who takes the time to check out my work during their scrolling. Please feel free to reblog, like, comment, or leave your own thoughts (even the random ones) as feedback and discussion is always accepted.

Welcome to my online diary/pocket journal. I'm glad you are here with me, and I hope I can produce something that brings any source of meaning or feeling or thought to your browsing here on Tumblr!

I use #lauren’swriting as a tag for all my works on my blog.

(Copyright © 2023 Lauren A.P. All rights reserved.)

Sincerely,

lauren a.p :)

11/19/22 (I regret you.)

I don't think I'll ever lose you.

A nameless presence haunting every faceless name I meet

Vilified by my own doing as their own soft touch reminds me of the scars you left in the shape of golden fingertips

A faulty Midas touch that brings forth pain to everything it graces

And though I was far too innocent

A bright-eyed youth plagued by a burnout so bright

That sent everything but you up into flames

I hate myself with every fall of ash upon the bed we'd lie within

Made up by predatory lies and societal fails and my pink baby blanket i'd never part with no matter how far your hand would creep beneath my dress

Now, I just want to drown into ultraviolet light

Screaming along to a poetic angst in an electric key

And i've been hurt with the might of a rapture that has taken everyone but myself and has sentenced me to an eternity in hell with nothing but a mirror and my thoughts where you you still freely roam

A permanent nightmare behind closed eyes

No one will put up with my bullshit anymore

And it has been so long since i've been touched

Or better yet, heard by another empathetic body

Kicking salt into the wounds you have left with those big brown boots you'd always wear

I flounder in the garden of Eden

Plotting a rage only known by those fooled by the notions of love

Phasing in and out of memories i've never lived

A mechanism i've mastered as a substitute to living in a world where you may wander

A world cursed by your presence is one I will never want to know.

-lauren a.p

a reckless father's harrowing daughter

It strikes a certain chord within my heart when you say I'm just like you

The chord that sends an intolerable, dull ache to the center of my chest

Into the cardiac organ that was born from a sliver of your own being

But you never thought of it in that regard, that you had fragmented what was once part of your whole

When you broke it over, and over, and over again

And when they declare that I remind them so much of you

With that juvenile sense of humor and complacent sense of vexation for all that lacks logic

How I was stained with your darkened locks of ebony hair

And inherited that ivory skin that bore the reverence we both chased like children to procure

All I could manage to sheepishly murmur was

"I got it from my father"

That and the siren eyes assuming the same hazel tone that resided in your own pair of iris', vertical and resembling a viper

And your venomous tongue, words laced with a false narrative and deceptions far beyond a white lie

And your fear of commitment to something, or someone, that had the power to hold you still, that harnessed the potential of making you content

And your bottle of unsolved feelings lodged so deep within your being

A container of egregious notions and unfelt tenderness that inhibited your ability to touch another's skin without shockwaves of repulsion building within your system

Without the tick of that doomsday timepiece, that warning of a constant self-destruction in the pit of your stomach

As well as your beauty, and that performative knack for coercing those around you to stay and witness your own demise

However, though only a segment of your entire being, I think my mother's genes were overshadowed by your own

As every laugh and smile and wrinkle and blemish and conviction is polluted by you

In the ways of my musical intrigue and philosophical theories and open-minded tenet

And my vagabond spirit that grew jealous at just how easy some people settled into a singular home

I just only wished I knew what it was like to be a drifter who could leave calamity in his wake without a single care for those he maimed

To wash the mutilation off of his hands with that identical smiles on his face

And shove all of the harbored pain and regret into that bottle, pressure threatening to burst the glass

When you say I'm just like you, I hope its only the good parts

The gentle advice, and comical demeanor, and intelligent mind

The simple things that make me proud to be my father's daughter

As I shove my own anxieties into an even smaller bottle, same brand as your own

Placed deep within my tender heart where no one could ever discover it

-lauren a.p

I do not know how someone so careless could produce something, someone, so drenched in fear. An impulsive worrier.

"I joke around not because I don't take seriously but because I'm scared of admitting that it's real and it's serious and that we could all die. I don't want that, so I laugh and I joke but never think that I don't care, because I do. I always have."

— Behind my jokes

Enigma || Original Series Masterlist

E N I G M A

out of all the things that could have happened that school year, meeting a boy from a higher grade and going on small adventures that would prove to be too dangerous for her and everyone she knew was the last thing mckenzie snow thought she would do. that school year would prove to be the most hectic year yet for the young girl. that school year would make the ever so clever girl test her knowledge and her skills in a way she hoped it would be enough. it might as well make her question all that she knows about her town for you see, the small town of salem, emerald hides a secret. a secret that's been hidden for a long, long time. a secret that should have stayed a secret. but fate was against that. instead, it lead two highschool students to a house where they'll discover something that they shouldn't have. something dangerous. something that shouldn't have existed. can she even deal with the weight of her discovery? but mckenzie would do all that it takes to make sure everyone she loves would be safe. she might be selfish but for her loved ones, she'd gladly die for them. she just didn't expect that a boy would come in and steal her heart along the way.

— — —

e·nig·ma

a person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand

— — —

[Original Story]

{OC x OC}

The Prologue

The Cast

Year 1

1 | The Beginning

Enigma - The Prologue

Enigma Series Masterlist

— — — — — — — —

T h e P r o l o g u e

— — — — — — — —

an eerie feeling. that's what it felt like as a girl who looked to be only 14 or 15 neared a very worn down house. the house was like any other house in a horror movie. it had vines everywhere and all of the windows were broken, majority of which were only nailed with two wooden planks in a cross position. the lawn was filled with grass that nearly reached the girl's knees. it looked like it was going to break apart any second now. the fact that it was already sunset added to it's mysterious and scary outlook. still the girl carried on. she wore a baggy sweater, leggings, and running shoes. if you looked closely enough, there was a belt with pouches around the girl's waist. as she neared the house, the girl suddenly stopped. she turned around to reveal familiar brown eyes that were alert and... scared? the girl looked around as if she was looking for something as the eerie feeling grew. after a while, she sighed. whatever she was looking for wasn't there to endanger her. not yet. the girl then tied her hair into a bun and looked off into the distance as the sun finally set and night came. she gulped.

she then slowly turned around and looked at the house that seemed to grow larger under the moonlight. her eyes were transfixed as the eerie feeling grew to the point it was nearly unbearable. the house seemed to taunt the girl as it stood there under the moonlight, even scarier and mysterious as it was before. despite the scary house that seemed to glare and challenge her, the girl took a deep breath before sighing. with determination in the girl's brown eyes, she carried on but before she could even reach out to open the slightly ajar door, it opened on its own. the house seemed to welcome the girl as she continued to walk to inside the house, seemingly not fazed by the door's movements. the eerie feeling then began to grow as the girl snapped her head to the sides. her eyes widened and a scream tore through her lips as she ran forward and up the stairs. not soon after something followed after her. something inhumane. something that shouldn't exist. something like a monster. something like the... undead.

the girl ran through the corridors of the house as the monster's heavy footsteps can be heard somewhere behind her. her eyes were filled with tears and she continued to run around the house as if she knew where to go. the monster let out a scream as it jumped making the girl push herself even more before she finally reached a room and closed the door just as the monster fell and nearly grabbed her. she leaned back on the door and evened her breath as the monster, as the undead began to thrash and try to open the door to no avail. after a while, the undead's footsteps slowly began to go away from her hearing range giving her the idea that it left. confused yet still alert, she continued to lean back on the door ready for the undead to try and barge through the door...yet it never came. still confused, the girl slowly stopped leaning on the door and began walking backwards, her hands going to one of her belts pockets as she continued to eye the door warily. waiting for the monster...yet still it didn't come. she continued to walk backwards until the back of her leg hit something making her turn around and gasp at the sight before her. there was a boy, around her age, crouched down a the back of the room, his head down as it groaned in pain. looking behind her to check for the monster and finding it nowhere to be seen, the girl slowly crouched down to get a better look at the boy before her eyes widened.

“jason?” the name left her lips in a whisper as she reached out to touch him only to flinch when his head snapped up and his hands grabbed hers. a tense silence passed as the two began to assess one another, the girl in wariness and the boy in distrust but then the boy slowly let go of her hand as recognition flashed through his eyes. “mckenzie.” at the sound of her name, tears gathered up in her eye as she nodded, crouching down to put her hands on the boy's cheeks, her head nodding. “it's me. i'm here baby. we'll get out of here,” she spoke in a quiet whisper but jason didn't have any chance to respond as the door suddenly broke with impact as the undead monster that chased mckenzie before came walking slowly and with a limp through the door. the two teens stood up abruptly at the sight of the monster as the girl of the two reached for her pouch only to be stopped by jason who grabbed her wrist and was pulled down to a hallway, the monster quickly following the two.

with their hands together, the pair continued to run to different rooms hoping to escape the monster only to stop when they saw a monster that looked exactly like the one that was chasing them. the new monster looked at the two and it was silence before the monster that was chasing them finally neared their sight making the two go back to running, now with two monsters on their trail. but it seemed as though monsters that looked exactly like one another began to appear out of nowhere to chase the two as said two continued to try and get out of the house. no matter where they go, they meet a new monster to chase them and it seemed as though they wouldn't be able to leave the house any time soon. in a matter of seconds, the two were then cornered into a room with dozens of undead monsters slowly walking to them. mckenzie began to look over the room only for her eyes to settle at one of the windows near them. she nudged jason and nodded at the window discreetly before the two looked at each other. a second passed and the two suddenly broke for the window and the dozens of undead monster began to chase after them. they neared the window and all seemed to look up but then jason fell. stopping, mckenzie turned around and her eyes widened as she saw one of the undead monsters hold jason's feet which led him unable to run. “go! leave me!” jason yelled just as the dozens of undead monsters jumped at him.

“jason!”

—

a sharp gasp tore through the air as a figure sat up from a bed, their chest heaving and audible. their eyes frantically scanned the room before they laid eyes on the digital clock beside the bed. 3 am glared back at them as their breathing slowly evened. it wasn't that dark, you can still see the silhouettes of the room but it was still dark. the figure reached out for the lamp near the clock and opened it only to reveal a familiar face. the figure had been a girl. a very familiar girl.

her hand reached out to rub herself in hopes to banish the sleep from her eyes but it wasn't that effective. she then leaned back at the headboard of her bed as the light from the lamp was bright enough for her scared, alert and...confused eyes stared at nothing.

the door then opened which made her flinch and turn abruptly only to sigh in relief when it was only a woman who looked a lot like her, her mother probably. “are you alright, kenzie?” the woman asked. “yeah,” 'kenzie' replied with a weak smile. “i'm fine mum.” the woman, now identified as the girl's mother looked over her in worry before shaking her head and sighing. “just call me if you need anything alright, mckenzie?” the girl, mckenzie apparently nodded and her mother left. the weak smile she had managed to make left her lips the moment her mother left the room. she then leaned back on the headboard yet again as she stared at the ceiling, a sigh escaping her lips.

“just who are you, jason?”

Enigma - The Cast

A/N: The GIFs aren't mine. I found them on the internet and rightfully belong to their owners. The Cast are merely just character references for each and every one of my OCs but aren't necessarily the characters themselves..

Enigma Series Masterlist

— — — — — —

T h e C a s t

— — — — — —

Hailee Stanfield as McKenzie Snow

“Where are you...?”

Griffin Gluck as Jason “Jay” Leon

“...what?”

Dove Cameron as Kaitlyn “Katie” Howard

“Kenzie...”

Mackenzie Foy as Sally “Sal” Hansen

“I know things are hard but...just smile...”

Levi Miller as Harvey Xander

“What was that?”

Amandla Stenberg as Jacqueline Emmet

“I'm sorry...”

Jaeden Martell as Alexander Montague

“I know...”

— — —

e·nig·ma

a person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand

— — —