Funny Text - Tumblr Posts
who was the fool who was tasked with naming the galaxy and the only adjective they could think of was ‘mmmmmmmmmmmmilky…’
I once read about an aquarium that trained the dolphins to pick up any debris in the tank and give it to the trainer in exchange for fish. One dolphin started started hiding paper under a rock and then breaking off small pieces to give the trainer. She also realized that she could get fish for catching a seagull. She soon started to stockpile fish to use as seagull bait, thus creating an exponentially larger seagull problem. Then she taught the other dolphins, which made it worse. So if you ever think dolphins are cute, remember that these little assholes create capitalism of their own volition and are not to be trusted.
tumblr user, drinking a bottle of uncontaminated water in post apocalyptic america: i love this?? this is so pure omg
how can someone be asexual? i’m glad you asked. obviously i can’t speak for all of us but i for one lost my sexuality in a drunken game of poker against captain jack harkness.
ron was going to be spiders. he just was.
when i was around 5 i asked my mom why “some people were different colors” and she said “because god wanted lots of flavors” and let me tell you that was the wrong thing to say because for the next 3 years i thought god ate people when they died
Hunting a Werewolf
Context: The party is trapped for the winter in a town terrorised by a werewolf, have just met the mayor and found out his name is “Fenris Wolfmann.”
Gnome Fighter: I’m going to search the pantry, is there any fish?
DM: There is, are you looking for anything else in particular?
Gnome Fighter: Cool, I’m going to take all of his red herring.
I worked with toddlers and pre schoolers for three years. Sometimes I accidentally slip and tell a friend to say bye to an inanimate object (“say bye bus!”) & occasionally they unthinkingly just do it.
What's scary is she brought me a jar of cherries and asked if they looked close enough...
I love my mom. She gets me.
Just a sample for now
if you see me looking at you blankly when you talk about the left or right side of something, i swear it is not because i, an adult, can’t tell them apart, but simply that left and right are no more than social constructs which i refuse to subscribe to. you have your beliefs, let me have mine
me, grabbing an intercom in ikea: attention all customers. the store will be closing in five minutes. if you are present in the store after closing you will be hunted for sport
shit that goes through my head pt.1
are bikinis just the water edition of bras and underwears?
SHOUT OUT
To my mom for buying me 'old spice' bc I don't like fruty armpits