Humiliating - Tumblr Posts
Aftermath
I didn't stop talking to him immediately after that message he sent me. Truth be told, he’d ‘cut me off’ a number of times prior to that. We actually had a set of boundaries and expectations in place for just these sorts of occasions.
The last time he'd insisted we cease speaking, after the initial shock and flood of texts I sent him, I stopped texting him altogether. He messaged me after a few days of silence and accused me of getting over him.
So for the next 6 weeks or so, I texted him every day. Here’s some highlights of my shame:
I am embarrassed to admit that I let him put one of those parental control apps on my last phone. It was after it all came out, and I did it as a sign of good faith. I had changed. I wasn't a cheater. I was actively building him up and saying good things about him.
He saw every text and every email. He knew exactly where I was at all times. I found some ways around it - he couldn't see whatsapp for example - but would see my useage of that app and then read all of my messages the next time we were together.
I had to navigate conversations with friends and my parents very carefully during that time. if he saw something that even remotely resembled a negative word or feeling about him from someone I was in for it.
I was constantly analysing all of my conversations, anticipating any possible interpretation. I would stategically delete parts of whatsapp convos with friends I didn't want him to see, and then agonize if the parts I had left made sense as part of a conversation.
He flipped shit a handful of times over spam I received despite that it clearly came from a shady source (sjxudnssjxu@fkzkakdn.bn.sk.ho.... Looks legit...)
When I got the phone I currently have in January of 2017 he told me he didn't want the app anymore. I took it as a sign that he was giving up on me and was devastated. But I always had the suspicion that he added it on somehow without me knowing it. At the time, I found that satisfying.
After waking up that fear terrorized me. He's calmed down trying to get ahold of me, so I have relaxed some in my paranoia. But occasionally i still rethink my word choice just in case *someone* is reading.
Humiliation in parts - Part One
TW - reference to a sexual act under the cut. Also, just... way too much information about me. There is a lot of things I won’t be tagging here.
In the thirteen years he and I were together I think I can count on one hand, maybe two, the number of times he performed oral. Yeah. And when he did it wasn’t exactly ‘enthusiastic.’ He tinkered just enough to make us both uncomfortable, and give him the gall to say say “but what about that Tuesday last month?” when he was making some unrealistic demand.
I never pressured him to do it, hell, I didn’t even ask for it. I wouldn’t want him to do something he had an aversion to (though I’m sure we could speculate why he didn’t want to do it). However he ensured that it was never something I actually wanted or asked for.
Humiliation in parts - Part Two
TW - named body parts, and, again, way too much information about me. Lots of things not tagged again.
He told me that my vulva had a very strong odour, and he made reference to it frequently. He told me he could smell me sometimes when I was fully clothed. I was shocked as no one had ever said it to me before. He guessed they (my previous lovers) didn’t tell me because they still wanted a piece, but they probably told their friends about it and laughed.
This was so humiliating and I became obsessive. I’ll spare you some of the silly things I did, but I spent hundreds on products.
Eventually I consulted my doctor while I was getting a pap. I apologized and asked if I could do anything about it. He looked puzzled for half a second and said “Your ‘odour’ isn’t strong at all. It’s pretty mild actually. So, no, I wouldn’t do anything about it.”
I don’t entirely trust my doctor, so while at another clinic some time later I told the doctor there that my partner said I was “pungent.” “Do they have a really sensitive sense of smell? You fall on the milder end of the spectrum...”
I decided that the day he made me ask my doctors to smell my vulva was the day to start taking his criticisms with a grain of salt.
Humiliation in parts - Part Three
TW - named body parts, reference to sexual act. Too much personal information. Not enough tagging. Or something.
On top of my smell, he got on my case about how hairless my vulva was. If he noticed there was a hair left he would draw attention to it and try to imply that I did not know what I was doing.
He hated razor bumps or ingrown hairs. He’d point them out. He would be grossed out. He would be turned off. He would stop whatever it was that we were doing so I could “go fix it.”
He’d regularly ‘inspect’ me before he would proceed with any sort of sex act . I don’t mean looking at me hungrily, lovingly or longingly, I mean basically giving me a pelvic exam. Sometimes I couldn’t even find whatever it was that he was complaining about; I think he was just trying to make me uncomfortable.
If there was any grooming out of place I’d never hear the end of it.
Humiliation in parts: Part Four
So in my early thirties I came out as Pan - this does best describe my attractions. However owing to several things I can say with certainty that I will never be with a cishet man ever again.
This has posed a bit of a dilemma for me as I have very very limited experience with women or (lets speak plainly here under the cut - tw named body parts and vague reference to sex act. Not tagging)
with vulvas. Most of us want to be ‘good’ and to please our partners; I’m extremely concerned with my lack of experience, because I would be devastated if I left my person unsatisfied.
I’ve had this discussion with people and I kind of feel fluffed off - “Just do what you like!” they say.
Ha ha ha. About that.
I was with him since I was 18. I had a significant amount of experience prior to that - but it was never focused on me, and lots of it was straight up horrible/traumatic. The rest was, well... not exactly satisfying.
What I’m trying to say is, because he did it so infrequently and I had very little quality experience prior to him (and with him), I don’t actually know what I like. Which is humiliating on its own as an Adult(TM).
Another layer to that humiliation is wondering IF I like it.
I hated it with him: Try lying on your back with your legs open for someone who isn’t really “into this” and stressing about if you’d shaved sufficiently, when the last time you checked for razor bumps and moisturized, what he’s going to say about how you smell, not to mention worrying that you’ve forgotten something on the grocery list and he might flip shit again and choke you out when he realizes you’ll have to go back to the store. Don’t actually try it; just note it’s not exactly recipe for enjoyment.
I don’t know if I like oral. Because of that I don’t know how to give oral. I also don’t know if I’m going to be able to try either without having embarrassing and debilitating flashbacks or panic attacks.
He is just the gift that keeps on giving.
𝗔𝘂𝘁𝗶𝘀𝗺 𝗔𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀: 𝗔𝘂𝘁𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗰 𝗠𝗲𝗹𝘁𝗱𝗼𝘄𝗻
𝘚𝘶𝘮𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘺:
Autistic meltdown is an uncontrollable reaction by your brain being triggered
Sounds, smells, emotional related, not being able to understand what you're feeling.
As adults, autistic meltdowns are humilating. They are mentally and physically draining and exhuasting.
Physical overstimulation, too many people in your space, pressure of having to hug or give hugs etc.
You're born autistic, you die autistic. You don't grow from it.
Autistic meltdowns are not just for kids. Autistic kids aren't the only autistic people that have meltdowns. It continues in life. Can potentionally get worse as more stresses are placed upon you