Tw: Sa And Rape

Tw: sa and rape

No, because why does a fucking language trigger me just because he speaks it. Why?

Why does long blond hair trigger me? Why does the mention of a whole country just because he lives there??

Fuck this. Why does a staircase trigger me? My aunts house? Seeing my little cousins grow up? Cold blue eyes?

Everything that reminds me of him. The way he forced himself onto me. I just want to forget it

I don't want to get flashbacks and nightmares and all that ahit just because of this one man that couldn't keep his hands of a 6 year old.

Tw: suicide and slight mention of abuse

I seer to fucking God I can't keep doing this, I just can't. I don't want to be here.

Why does everything feel so intense? Why is everything too much for me? Why is it hard to just exist?

I just want to feel safe again. I don't want to lay in bed and be scared of something? I don't even know what I'm scared of?

I need someone who can protect me, someone who would protect me. Someone to stay by my side while I fight.

This is my fight, but I want someone to give me some cover.

I want someone to hold me when I get too weak. I want him.

He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel better. He. Him. I want him. I- I don't know what I'm doing?

Wait, I figured out what caused this breakdown, I showered and put his shit in the laundry...

That is a silly reason and it's not the reason, more of the last straw.

Everything has just been piling up. Like a house of cards and this was the card that broke everything down.

I feel so safe with him. Why?? Like, normally I am scared of everyone. Even people that I can physically overpower. But him.

He makes me feel safe. Even tho I wouldn't stand a chance against him. I am not scared of him. When I think of him I think of strong hand, long hair and soft kisses.

All things that comfort me.

When I think about anyone else, there is always also something that scares me. My friends can blackmail me. My parents can hit me. Strangers can do terrible things to me.

I can't ignore those concerns.

With him I don't have them??

Whattt???

I don't get it, it doesn't make any sense??

I want to hug him. I want to hold him in my arms and make him feel better too...

I don't know how to comfort people. I don't know how to make him feel safe and loved.

I feel all these emotions but I can't express them, they are stuck in my throat and in my hands.

I'm too tired.

He make me happy :)

Tw: ed

Smoking and crying and trying not to throw up the musli bar I just ate

I want attention. Any kind of attention.

I don't care how bad I will feel after, but now I need someone to make me feel loveable in any kind of way.

And if I am only used for money, my body or to vent to me. It would be better than this.

I have to keep myself distracted.

I'm so tireddd.

But I can't sleep. I just wanna sleep. Having a sleeping disorder sucks. And now it's already to late to take my meds because if I do now I'll be exhausted all day long tomorrow...

I just wanna sleeeeeep. Please?

I think I need to cuddle with someone and hear them breathing to fall asleep now...