I Think Ill Take A Break From Thinking For A While.

I think I’ll take a break from thinking for a while.

32 -

I did something. I don’t want to admit it but I need to get this off my chest. I promised to always be honest here, if nowhere else. I got ahold of some pain pills. And now I feel anxious and guilty. I mean duh? What else did I expect?

But at the same time, I have a secret. It feels good in the way that knowing something that only you know feels good - knowledge is a private power. I feel sneaky and a little clever. There’s a rush to doing something and knowing you likely won’t get caught.

I’m so committed to my recovery. To actually sit with the hard stuff, not just numb it out. To living with integrity. To pursuing my dreams.

Or so I thought. Getting ahold of them was instinctual. I didn’t really think twice about it. Okay…not true, I debated on it for a while. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t convince myself not to. It was so easy. There was no way I could be found out. And I’d have a good time for a few hours.

Or rather, I didn’t want to think twice. I wanted them, plain and simple. I wanted to have them because I knew I could.

If I were to take them - I don’t have any intention of getting more. I wouldn’t even know where to go or who to ask. I just wanted them for a fun little afternoon. Nothing more. I’m not trying to escape my feelings or using them as a crutch. I have the capacity and tools these days to work through my problems, sober. They just feel good.

I guess I could describe it similar to non-alcoholics who want to enjoy a glass of wine while they have a quiet night in.

But I feel guilty because it’s not for the right reasons - who uses pain pills to have a “fun little afternoon”? (10 points if you guessed - an addict). And I didn’t get ahold of them in a trustworthy way. If I take them, does it count as a relapse? I don’t want to start over. If I take them, am I unwittingly taking a step down that path again? Can I really say it’s not a choice when here I am, self aware, and still making the choice anyway. They say you will always be in recovery, you can’t cure addiction.

But no one knows, except me.

It’s a decision based upon deceit and selfish intentions. Can I live with that?

I was thinking about them before I went on this trip. I knew they’d be around. If I really was committed to my recovery, then I would have taken precautions, not made plans. Right?

My recovery is still my recovery. I struggle with the idea that abstinence of all for the rest of my life, is the only option (except it is definitely for alcohol). For me - if I can understand the root of why I used to begin with, then I can identify when those feelings come up and sit with them instead of escaping. People use the high to fill a void in something. If I have a foundation of healthy coping mechanisms for negative feelings, then who’s to say I can’t have a fun little afternoon and that’s all it will be?

Or I’m just full of shit and I sound like every other addict out there trying to justify and rationalize why this will be okay. It’s a compulsion of the mind. The fact that I’m even analyzing this….I really don’t know.

Walt Whitman

reminder that the only person who has any real say in what your life looks like is you

34 -

My family thinks I’m absolutely nuts. They’re constantly whispering to younger cousins “don’t copy her” and “she’ll always be the wild one, never thinking”. I was desperate to fit in but I never really did. And now I’m out here wondering why the hell I ever wanted to in the first place.

Blood is thicker than water, but water has the power to dilute the strength of blood.

True, I can be reckless and impulsive. If I want something, I have to have it. I am selfish and persistent in my pursuit. Whether or not it’s good for me is another story. I’m stubborn and sensitive, sometimes blindly optimistic.

But frankly, if we spend time waiting for the perfect moment….it’ll never come. No matter how much we plan and prepare, there are always uncertainties.

I believe we have to create opportunities for ourselves. I don’t want to wait around and wonder, I want to know. If I fail (is anything really a failure or just a redirection?), then I have more information than I started with. Something was still gained.

Some caution is a good thing. However, awareness + acceptance always > caution.

It’s not about succeeding - it’s about trying. It’s about having faith, trusting that things are always working out in your favor. Reflection and introspection, then continuing to move forward. Everything is a lesson, to teach us more about ourselves.

At the end of my life, I want to be able to say I lived a full one. That I didn’t hold back out of fear. That I didn’t succumb to being a victim of circumstance, I didn’t stay complacent within the status quo. I don’t want there to be any “what-ifs”. I want to be able to say that it all had to happen this way. That I understand the meaning of my story.

That I loved fiercely and passionately. That I didn’t allow the injustices of the world to harden me. That I used my pain for good, turned it into hope. That I continued to strive for better, that I never gave up.

That I didn’t do it perfectly, but I did it with compassion, self-respect, and grace. That I confidently pursued my dreams and I humbly acknowledged my mistakes. That my experiences shaped me, they didn’t just happen to me.

At the end, I want to say that I know who I am and what I stand for. That in my life, I made the most of it to become the truest version of myself.