A Little Over A Week Ago I Was Going Through A Strong " Missing Him" Phase. At Those Times I Try To Reread

A little over a week ago I was going through a strong " missing him" phase. At those times I try to reread some of my old posts to snap out of it.

This one is a gem.

IT WAS THAT BAD

When we were working on the basement last summer, he got some concrete work done. So there was  some time where the floor in the basement was all broken up.  He told me if I kept upsetting him he’d bury my body there and cover me up with concrete.  

No one would ever know.

I am having trouble explaining the connection my brain made here, but the affection he showed the family dog made me realize just how touch and affection starved I was.

He and I had sex every night we were together, give or take, but that was it. Cuddling, holding hands, leaning on him, hell even hugs... It all made him hot, or uncomfortable, or prevented him from doing more important things.

So i stopped asking, and felt a longing when he gave the dog stritches.

He made me jealous of the dog. How messed up is that?

The paradox.

I say I’m a survivor but what piece of me survived? Who am I? How do I know I am who I’m meant to be if I can’t figure out which parts survived and which parts I’ve lost?

Today in Review

Me: I have a lot of work to get done today, and people are depending on me. Oh shoot, I have two appointments that will interrupt my day too. I should probably get started.

Brain: Maybe you should panic and do nothing for four hours instead.

Me: ... well, no, if I plan and start n....

Brain: PANIC AND DO NOTHING FOR FOUR HOURS!!!

Fucking here we go again.

I have two haters now.  Achievement unlock?