A Little Over A Week Ago I Was Going Through A Strong " Missing Him" Phase. At Those Times I Try To Reread

A little over a week ago I was going through a strong " missing him" phase. At those times I try to reread some of my old posts to snap out of it.

This one is a gem.

IT WAS THAT BAD

When we were working on the basement last summer, he got some concrete work done. So there was  some time where the floor in the basement was all broken up.  He told me if I kept upsetting him he’d bury my body there and cover me up with concrete.  

No one would ever know.

Oh yeah, I forgot.

I was helping my mother put up a picture not long ago. I was holding it against the wall while she made sure it was level when I lost my balance a little.

The frame scraped against the wall and took off a little bit of the paint.

Dread instantly surged. I began the instachorus of "Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm such a fool, I'm so bad at things, I'm so sorry, you just painted that , I feel so bad, I'm sorry."

My mother gave me a 'calm the eff down' look and said " don't worry about it, these things happen. We can fix it in a minute." Sure enough, after the picture was hung, she sanded lightly, got the remaining paint, handed me a little brush and we covered up the blemish. The whole process took about five minutes.

Oh, yeah. I forgot. Most people don't hit you for these kinds of things.

Choked

It occurred to me recently that if I was still with him I would never have been able to take this job. 

I work weekends and incredibly long hours some days. It's not a dream job or the end game, but it is definitely a very useful stepping stone.

He would not have cared about that. He would have looked at the hours and told me I couldn't take it.  Then he would have scolded me for not progressing. 

He wanted the tree to blossom but kept poisoning the roots.

The paradox.

I say I’m a survivor but what piece of me survived? Who am I? How do I know I am who I’m meant to be if I can’t figure out which parts survived and which parts I’ve lost?

Cptsd fun.

i basically assume that people don’t like me unless they explicitly tell me they like me and then periodically remind me

Today in Review

Me: I have a lot of work to get done today, and people are depending on me. Oh shoot, I have two appointments that will interrupt my day too. I should probably get started.

Brain: Maybe you should panic and do nothing for four hours instead.

Me: ... well, no, if I plan and start n....

Brain: PANIC AND DO NOTHING FOR FOUR HOURS!!!