Dirt.

Dirt.

There are still secrets of his I keep under lock and key.  Not abuse stuff.  Health things.  Quirk things.  Embarrassing things.  The type of stuff you only discover when you live with a person and you see them at their most vulnerable.

I’ll take these things to my grave because I respect that bond we had.  I am not sure he’s offering me the same courtesy.

Part of my healing has been coming to terms with that.

I've just impulsively installed Tinder. Someone talk me out of this.

Humiliation in parts:  Part Four

So in my early thirties I came out as Pan - this does best describe my attractions.  However owing to several things I can say with certainty that I will never be with a cishet man ever again.

This has posed a bit of a dilemma for me as I have very very limited experience with women or (lets speak plainly here under the cut - tw named body parts and vague reference to sex act.  Not tagging)

  with vulvas.  Most of us want to be ‘good’ and to please our partners;  I’m extremely concerned with my lack of experience, because I would be devastated if I left my person unsatisfied.

I’ve had this discussion with people and I kind of feel fluffed off - “Just do what you like!” they say.

Ha ha ha.  About that.

I was with him since I was 18.  I had a significant amount of experience prior to that - but it was never focused on me, and lots of it was straight up horrible/traumatic.  The rest was, well... not exactly satisfying. 

What I’m trying to say is, because he did it so infrequently and I had very little quality experience prior to him (and with him), I don’t actually know what I like.  Which is humiliating on its own as an Adult(TM).

Another layer to that humiliation is wondering IF I like it.

I hated it with him:  Try lying on your back with your legs open for someone who isn’t really “into this” and stressing about if you’d shaved sufficiently, when the last time you checked for razor bumps and moisturized, what he’s going to say about how you smell, not to mention worrying that you’ve forgotten something on the grocery list and he might flip shit again and choke you out when he realizes you’ll have to go back to the store.  Don’t actually try it; just note it’s not exactly recipe for enjoyment.

I don’t know if I like oral.  Because of that I don’t know how to give oral. I also don’t know if I’m going to be able to try either without having embarrassing and debilitating flashbacks or panic attacks. 

He is just the gift that keeps on giving.

This time last year he took another woman to St. Lucia.  I paid for between 60 and 70% of this trip.

It was supposed to be ours.

Most days.

I really miss sharing body heat.