Ah. Some Things Havent Changed

Ah.  Some things haven’t changed

During social engagements I am either:

A) scrambling to find something to say.

B) wondering why i am/chastising myself for talking too much.

There is no happy medium. Whatever i have done is incorrect.

Reminder:  It’s been 74 weeks of no contact.  

I am still here carving out a future of my own.

And I can breathe freely now.

Every day I remind myself that I should mourn for the past I lost to him and not the future I think I’ve lost without him.  

I can’t sleep tonight

Having no other adult experience with an actual relationship outside of him, I have fears.

I feel like I’m allowed to be human with her.  I’m comfortable blowing my nose and flossing in her presence.  That doesn’t sound like much, but it’s progress.

More than anything I feel animated, like, alive.  I can laugh loud and silly, and be excited about trivial things; I can take long, windy routes to tell stories, and forget what I was saying mid sentence.  None of this phases her.  I’m not an annoyance.  I’m not wasting her time.

Did I ever feel this way with him?  I must have.  I remember being willing to take a bullet for him.  Does that mean this is all going to fade too? 

I worry I’m going to turn into that hallow, emotionless shell again.  And that it had nothing to do with him always cutting me down, and everything to do with me just being soulless and horrible.

Maybe all this love stuff is short lived and fleeting for me, and my rotten insides will cause me to hurt her as well.

Mother's Day has been an interesting time each year since my abortion. I'm in my 30s, so people often wish me Happy Mother's Day.

This year it didn't hurt.

Reminder to any of you out there facing a difficult decision: sadness and regret are not the same thing.

Sad Things.

I found a list of names. If things had been different and I had a girl, we would have called her Alice.

Fears

I’m concerned that I can attribute some of my recent progress to being with someone else.  I worry this makes the steps forward I’ve made “artificial” and if she and I should ever split I would crumble and regress.

Bewilderment

I saw a musical recently; a tongue in cheek comedy based on a cult classic.

One of the characters was a real unsavory person - a liar, a pusher, a rapist and abuser. At the same time, he also facilitates some of the comedy, so it was not uncommon to laugh at one of his lines. One, however, really threw me off.

“I could kill you, you know!” he says to his lady companion who was pushing his buttons.

The audience laughed. I held my breath.