Abuse and trauma survivor - these are my stories in no particular order. Content warnings and triggers everywhere. Adult blog; 18+ only.
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Mother's Day Has Been An Interesting Time Each Year Since My Abortion. I'm In My 30s, So People Often
Mother's Day has been an interesting time each year since my abortion. I'm in my 30s, so people often wish me Happy Mother's Day.
This year it didn't hurt.
Reminder to any of you out there facing a difficult decision: sadness and regret are not the same thing.
Sad Things.
I found a list of names. If things had been different and I had a girl, we would have called her Alice.
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More Posts from Enoughdonegone
There are nights when I'm lying in bed next to her, where I'm safe and cozy and I should be happy.
But I'm not. I'm restless. I'm angry without purpose. I'm stressed. I'm sad.
She brings me so much joy, but he steals it.
It's a little embarrassing. For a long time I thought I'd be touch repulsed forever. I thought i didn't like or deserve hugs and people touching me felt like a threat. Like a bomb would go off if there was contact for too long. Like my skin was burning.
Turns out that I love to be touched and hugged by the right person and I am so severely affection starved that I find it difficult to sit near her without being in contact somehow.
My only saving grace is that she is a very affectionate person by nature. Otherwise I'm sure she'd find me clingy.
I have prided myself on my independence these past few years. Relished in my solitude.
It is a scary thing to feel as though you might need someone again.
Fears
I’m concerned that I can attribute some of my recent progress to being with someone else. I worry this makes the steps forward I’ve made “artificial” and if she and I should ever split I would crumble and regress.
Ah. Some things haven’t changed
During social engagements I am either:
A) scrambling to find something to say.
B) wondering why i am/chastising myself for talking too much.
There is no happy medium. Whatever i have done is incorrect.
This is why i can't have nice things.
Things are sort of going well. So that means something devastating is afoot.
You can't convince me otherwise. But I'll nod and smile and let you think you did.
:)