69 -

69 -

It’s funny how we wait until we feel good, to do the things that make us feel good.

I have so many cute clothes and ideas and projects and adventures I want to try….when I’m no longer depressed.

So they just sit in the back of the closet and I pass them on occasion and I feel sad that I’m stuck in this apathetic rut.

But that’s the thing right? These things - these bring me joy. If I don’t do them, then I wont have the joy. So obviously I have to take care of myself even when I don’t feel my best because THAT’S when it’s MOST important! It carries you through those times.

I mean duh right?

Anything is easy when you feel up to doing it.

So with that in mind, I’ve been trying to step into my fear. Embrace not doing it perfectly. Embrace saying the wrong thing sometimes. Embrace making people mad, because I will. Embrace messing up. Embrace having the same lesson taught over and over to me.

I feel…not good, but not bad?

This weekend I did laundry, cleaned, went on a little walk, took care of my husband, got some pizza and finished my homework! Go me!

We will keep trying to figure this shit out.

67 -

Depression is so weird. It’s not that I don’t care - I’d love to want to care. I desperately want to care.

Anything is better than feeling a dullness inside of you. What’s the point? I’m going to die anyway.

I don’t feel sad or angry, I just feel empty. And it is all consuming.

I feel like I’m watching my life slip away. Witness to my own self destruction.

I can’t muster the energy or desire to do anything even though I know I should. I know it’ll make me feel better but I’m not fully convinced enough to actually take action.

My floor is covered in laundry that hasn’t been done in longer than I want to admit on the internet.

I haven’t showered in over a week. My eating and sleeping habits are a joke. I’m slipping.

The worst part about depression is that is snowballs and you don’t. see. it. happening.

Then it’s a few years later and you can barely take care of yourself. The fact that I have so far to go to get back to where I’ll feel okay is daunting; it makes me give up without trying sometimes.

But then I think, I get to set a new standard for where and how I’ll feel okay.

But what if I set the wrong one?

You see I am EXHAUSTED at trying to figure myself out. I just want to get to a point where I can manage the stress of life without relying on a substance. Where I can ignore intrusive thoughts. Where I have the capacity to consistently be a good friend, daughter, wife, worker….

I ran out of my meds a few days ago so I want to blame that for how I feel okay.

But I’m not drinking.

65 -

Random thoughts lately:

I used to live my life assuming my mom’s started the day she had me. It was so hard to imagine her as a person, just like myself, with hopes and dreams and failures and a whole other life.

I glad I have the opportunity to know her now.

•

It’s funny how we continue to discover new versions of ourselves. I’m having a hard time letting the old version of me go. I feel like I’m wearing shoes that don’t fit quite right…at least not yet. I’ll have to break them in.

I think it’s so easy to stay stuck in an idea of who we are or who we are meant to be. Who I was at 20 is not who I am today at 30 and I sure hope it will not be who I am at 40. I want life to change me.

I will wear the scars of my life on my body and in my heart to show that I am a warrior.

•

I wish I could feel things less. I wish I didn’t think so much. I wish I didn’t constantly seek the deeper meaning.

When I feel numb, I feel empty.

When I feel sad, I am devastated.

When I feel happy, I am euphoric.

I’m not tired, I’m exhausted.

Maybe I need to go re-read that BPD criteria again.

•

I do not fear my vulnerabilities. I’m not pretending - what you see is who you get. I’ve been told this makes me appear confident……which just makes me laugh.

The only person who gives power to your fears is you.

I am not giving mine any power today.

71 -

Sometimes I feel this urge to do something shady, to keep secrets. It’s always when my life is going good. I feel suffocated if I don’t have something for myself. I feel like I need to explode.

I fuck up then I spend all this time trying to repair it and come out stronger - and then I’m like “hmm things are going a little tooo well” and I light my life on fire with gasoline.

I don’t get it. Why?

What motivates people to continue choosing the same choices/decisions even though they KNOW that it’s not the right one?

Even though I know that my choices are keeping me on this little hamster wheel of alcoholism and doom.

Why do we make the same mistakes over and over when we know better? I say I’m not afraid of stepping into my fear, but why am I terrified of choosing different when it comes to substance abuse?

I have a husband who loves me deeply and is so devoted. Sometimes the weight of the love is daunting. I am afraid of myself sometimes. I am afraid of the way I think. I worry that he has me on a pedestal. I am terrified of deeply hurting him or ruining us. I feel suffocated by the pressure of trying to improve. I am not doing it as gracefully as I hoped and I am holding fault with myself for that.

So when I look at myself, I think of all of my mistakes. Of how far I still need to go. Of the lessons learned. Of whether or not I am defined by the choices I make.

But I think that when other people look at me, they don’t see that. I think they may see the good.

I just want to see it too. And I am, slowly.

I had myself convinced that I was manic and suffering from grandiose delusions because I stopped people pleasing and started agreeing with people when they complimented me and speaking my mind and thinking that “I actually am a really great person”…..LOL

No, I’m just developing a strong sense of self worth. I’m doing things from a genuine place and not just so I can feel like I’m earning people’s approval/liking of me.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m totally delusional and I’m actually a giant asshole who totally self-absorbed and unaware of reality.

Welp. Hopefully not! Just gonna keep trusting my intuition and hoping for the best hehe

Alex Dimitrov, from "Waiting at Stonewall", Love and Other Poems