I Wouldnt Be Yelled At Anymore If I Was Dead

I wouldn’t be yelled at anymore if I was dead

“Life is unfair; K!ll yourself or get over it”

Even 🌸🧸 hasnt paid attention to me...guess everything thinks im to much lol

CW: SUICIDE, PSYCH WARDS AND ABLEISM (including internalized ableism)

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I hate having BPD so much.

Anytime I have an issue in my life, people always find a way to blame me for it or just dismiss it in general, either that or pity me to the point that it feels infantalizing, and nowhere do people even try to listen to me when I'm struggling.

Just this morning, I woke up with some really fucked up thoughts about me killing myself and people yelling and shit, and that caused me to dissociate pretty harshly to the point I was just sitting in my room in my PJs, and my mom saw me and yelled at me for not getting ready, and she slammed the door and called me lazy for not going to school.

I hate having my emotions invalidated so much, it hurts. I just wished someone fucking listened to me..

And god forbid I show a trait of bpd that they don't like, because I'm then told that it's my fault that I'm struggling, and honestly I just want to kill myself atp.

Also, I hate having to worry about if people actually care for me or if they want me dead. Logically I know they care, but because I don't get attention from them 100% of the time, I'm starting to have the mentality that they aren't my friends.

It's genuinely so Isolating that it fucking hurts. I'm a fucking attention seeker and one day it's gonna fuck me over so badly.

I hate pulling these extreme stunts for the slightest bit of affection, I hate being unstable, I hate it all.

And probably the worst part: I'll probably never recover from this, basically meaning that unless I kill myself now, I'll be living like this for the rest of my life.

I've tried everything, getting a hobby, journaling, medications, therapy, HELL, even the god damn psych ward. Yet all of my attempts to get better have failed me time and time again.

I don't even know why I haven't killed myself yet despite all of this. Maybe I'm just a pussy, idk.

Someone PLEASE end my suffering...

BPD culture is falling in love with some 36 year old man on the internet and having fantasies about him being your boyfriend because he's the only one that genuinely understands how you feel and what you've been through, even though you're aware that he's done some really bad things that he should be held accountable for and you've never had a direct interaction with him in your entire life

(looking at you, Yandere Dev)

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i think the worst part of your mental health being fucked up in a nonstereotypical way is im not even suicidal i just gotta live like this because i cant relate to any human person but im also not a pussy so i dont wanna die about it