I Dont Know How I Made It To 19. I Still Feel Like I Shouldve Died At 15. Ive Been Crying For The Last

i dont know how i made it to 19. i still feel like i should’ve died at 15. ive been crying for the last week because i cant come to terms with this. i wasnt supposed to make it this far. its only hitting me now that i have to be an adult and try to function normally. but i just cant. i have horrible anxiety that caused me to drop out of all of my classes on the first day of school and immediately switch to online. im unable to maintain a job as well. it makes me feel stupid and childish compared to other people my age. it really hurts knowing that i’ll have to live like this for the rest of my life. its become extremely tempting to just try and give up again.

(FYI: this isn't targeted at any specific individual, this is just in general. Thank you.)

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You wanna know what genuinely makes my blood boil?

How whenever I talk about my negative views on relationships and how I have the constant belief that everyone hates me and is secretly talking shit about me, people tell me that "oh you're invalidating my feelings! " "I'm not a bad friend" "You're being a dick!"

Yet when I call out someone for invalidating how I fell, I get told that it's not invalidating and that I'm the one making this an issue, and it just- AUUGGHHHHHH!!!

It also pisses me off how people can act the exact same way and not get shit for it whatsoever, but when I act like that, all of a sudden I'm a bad friend who's selfish?? FUCK THAT!

idc if some of these people have good intentions or not. If you tell me that you care for me and love me, and then turn around and get mad at me for still having negative views on my friendships, that is not "love", you're just being ableist.

It feels a lot like people are targeting ME specifically because I happen to have BPD, and idk if i'm overreacting or not but that really says something about these people's actual views on BPD.

I hate how people also expect me to be able to control those feelings, like genuinely what the ACTUAL fuck...

Someone can give all of their time an attention for the rest of their lives, and yet I will STILL perceive them ignoring me or their tone changing one day as a sign of them hating me, that is how my brain works.

I feel like people forget that one of the main symptoms of BPD is an instability in relationships, and that also comes with an unstable perception of those relationships. IT'S ONE OF TH MAIN CRITERIA FOR FUCK SAKE!!! It also comes hand-in-hand with paranoia too, which makes it worse because once you get into the thought, it's difficult to snap out of it.

idk man, I just wish people actually, you know, made my emotions feel valid???? God I hate people sometimes...

"ill never leave you" liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar

Omw to go cut everyone off and self isolate :3

I'm starting to think one of my friends hates me because of how much I vent about my negative perceptions on relationships and I'm considering ending the friendship with her just so she doesn't have to deal with me anymore.

UPDATE: I did it.

wow it’s like i was born to be betrayed by my most closest confidants. neato.