Nozomi-vents - Nozomi Kaizoku's Vent Blog

the black and white thinking does not stop at not seeing the greys of the world.

it s either pure euphoria or excruciating sadness and intolerable pain

it s either being repulsed by any social contact and physical affection or craving them with intense desperation

it s either numbing yourself with any destructive mechanism available or being a wreckage of emotions out of control

it s either knowing yourself slightly and thinking you re a decent person or feeling like you re the worst human in this entire world

it s either being consumed by any sensation or event and feeling on the edge of a spiritual awakening or drowning yourself in nihilism and seeing no point at all

it s the starvation or binging, the paralysing fear of driving or doing it so recklessly, it s either the absolute fear of sexual intimacy or engaging in hyper-sexuality so impulsively

it s a ton. it s barely tolerable and manageable, even to take it day by day

"luca, you're not a failure! you're just not putting in the effort!" I hope your head gets smashed in with a brick.

You do not get to tell me how to feel about my future and how my life will go, especially not after everything I've been put through.

I. GIVE. UP.

I'm done with trying to keep my grades up only to end up failing all of my classes by the end of the semester, I'm done with trying to maintain friendships that will eventually fall apart, and I'm done with trying to be a good person when all people do is just put me down again.

everyday is a constant loop of the same fucking bullshit, with no breaks whatsoever, and idk what happened, but I guess I just eventually snapped.

Remember that shitty teacher I was thinking about killing?

Well, today I got pulled out of class to go speak with a counselor and a security guard because my therapist had reported my homicidal thoughts to them, and they spoke with me about it.

When they asked about a weapon, I pulled out some scissors I had in my bag and put it on the desk, and I guessed they took it as a sign that i was gonna kill the teacher and they had me to a threat assessment.

Now, granted, yes I would use those scissors on that teacher, but it's not like i have a PLAN to do it. I can't even tackle down my 2-year-younger sister, let alone a grown ass man with the most greasiest hair I had ever seen in my life, and also it'd take WAY too much time and effort to make a plan to actually go through with it without getting caught, so why would I?

Long story short: I got suspended for 3 days and I ended up doing a threat evaluation after I left campus.

Listen, idc how serious threats are, but the fact that it literally me took me threatening a fucking teacher for someone to finally listen to me makes me so fucking angry, and atp, I'm fucking done.

This is EXACTLY why I say that nobody cares about you unless you're dead or making threats.

I have had my mental health dismissed for YEARS, and anytime I started showing non-romanticized mental illness signs, I was blamed and degraded for it. I had teachers complain that I was "resisting" the work in class, and how "disruptive" I was, an it just-- AUGHHGFHJGRJHFKGGEFWKJJEF /NEG

AND GET THIS! Similar shit happened at my old school and my mom had to transfer me from that school just so I wouldn't go and kill anyone, it was BAD. They basically proved my point.

I could've gone to jail, both for that time and today. And they don't care, because they want my life to be shitty. They want me to suffer.

Back to the topic regarding the teacher, My mom is literally defending him and victimizing him, basically saying "oh, he misworded it, he didn't mean to piss you off! he understands you!"

What the actual fuck.

I do not give a flying fuck what his intentions were, the impact is still there, and it could've costed his life.

he KNEW i was mentally ill, he KNEW that I had a lot of trauma from my old school. Yet for some fucking reason, his mentally healthy greasy haired bitch ass, had the fucking BALLS to tell me that it was MY fault that I was struggling, and to add on to that, he basically called me a dirty lazy pig (not what he actually said but he might as well have said that) because my hygiene was shit at the time BECAUSE I AM MENTALLY ILL.

And when this shit happened, he has he nerve to go and play the victim card and pretend like he didn't know.

Fuck you Mr. Gonzales, and fuck the school system entirely, ESPECIALLY THOSE BITCH ASS SCHOOL COUNCELORS THAT ARE SO USELESS THAT YOU MIGHT AS WELL NOT HAVE THEM.

"just use coping strategies" KILL YOURSELF, I AM MENTALLY UNSTABLE, YOU THINK JUST FUCKING BREATHING IS GONNA FIX ME??? FUCK YOU!

Anyway, I'm supposed to be working on homework, but after today, I'm not gonna do that shit, fuck that. Not like I care about my grades anyway considering how bad my mental health has been for the past 7 years.

Me ending up on mentally ill girlblogging tumblr as a trans guy because I use BPD related tags and I'm just staring at everyone like

am I still welcome?

I hate whenever my parents act like they care about my mental health then get all pissy at me when I tell them that I don't want to do school anymore even if I explain why, and I'm genuinely fucking tired of it.

I don't know about you motherfuckers, but when you are mistreated by the people around you CONSTANTLY for your entire life, without any breaks, and when that's done you're then blamed for it all, it really does take a toll on your mental health, and trust me when I say that it royally screwed my entire life over, I MEAN IT.

I had to face constant stigma and ableism for over 13 years, and the harder I tried to fix myself, the more people had pushed me away.

So, I'm gonna be BRUTALLY honest when I say this:

I've given up on wanting to go to college because it's way to expensive, I gave up on wanting a career because there's nothing out there worth doing, I gave up on even trying to find a job in the first place because nobody wants to hire a mentally unstable retard with no work experience, and overall I've just abandoned all of my passions and ambitions. All because people have kicked me when times got rough, and when I tried my best to make things right, it was never enough, they still kept pushing me down, and I just can't do it anymore.

And it doesn't help that my basic human rights are slowly being stripped away from me because I happen to be a disabled queer trans AFAB kid with a mental illness, basically meaning that by the time I make it to my 20's (if I don't kill myself before I make it to 18), I'll be living in a constant hellhole where I'll die in the worst ways possible to humankind.

All I'm ever going to be in life is this sad, mentally unstable, egotistical virgin who makes other people's life worse, and there is nothing I can do to change that, let alone anyone else.

I was doomed to be like this since the day I was born. And that's probably one of the hardest things I had to accept as a borderline auDHD person.

And that's the entire reason why I want to drop out of school, it's making my mental health worse anyway, and what's the point of being in school if I'm not gonna have a good life regardless??

And instead of actually listening to me, my bitch ass parents told me to suck it up and that my feelings were invalid and that I deserve to suffer, and honestly, fuck them.

"I was like you two when i was your age, and I regretted it, so you should stay in school" good for you i guess, but that won't change shit.

Stop pretending like I have a future, you're only making it worse.

good thing I'm suspended for 3 days so that I won't have to put up with school for the rest of the week...

Anyway I'm supposed to be working on homework rn, but I'm not going to because there is no reason to.