Im So Tired Of Playing The Back And Forth Game With My Mental Health. Every Time I Relapse And Think,

I’m so tired of playing the back and forth game with my mental health. Every time I relapse and think, “okay, yeah, maybe THIS time, I’ll finally get it.” And that lasts for maybe 2 weeks if I’m lucky and then I watch myself just…stop. Stop getting up in the morning, forgot to eat for 3 days, oh shit I haven’t taken a shower either, stopped taking my meds at the right times and then just stopped all together, next thing I know I’m another suicide attempt back in the hospital. The worst part of it all is being SO self aware of it. I know I’m self destructing and I know that I don’t want to, except for some fucking reason I have to. This is going to kill me one day.

THIS!

I hate how there's so many genuinely shitty people in the incel community to the point that if any non-celebate hears the word "incel" they automatically think we wanna rape little children and that we have this horrific views on women.

JUST LEAVE THE INCEL COMMUNITY TO THOSE WHO ACTUALLY ARE INCELS FOR FUCK SAKE, JESUS CHRIST...

I hate moids so much I hate their stupid standards I hate when they call themselves incels and blame women for their issues when they dont put in effort

me making imaginary scenarios in my head where tony crynight's comforting me while I'm recovering from a mental breakdown at vidcon knowing damn well that it could never happen irl and he doesn't care about me and wants me dead

@tonycrynight do you care?? I genuinely want to know.

You see, if everyone around you tells you you're the problem. You eventually internalize it. I wish I never existed, maybe then people around me wouldn't be so miserable. They'd be happy. And that's all I want.

"Luca, your behavior is concerning, you need to delete your vent account!!!! "

Yap Yap Yap, you're acting as if I'm even REPARABLE at this point.

I'm working with a therapist, YandereDev has already addressed the allegations against him (AND IS GETTING HELP FOR IT), and just because I identify as an incel/femcel doesn't mean I'm gonna suddenly become this misogynistic pedo who has the most fucked up views about women you had ever seen in your life.

Let me educate you on something:

Incel literally just means "involuntary celebate", which basically means you are not able to engage in sexual activity due to ostracization and shunning (which is my case due to me being borderline and autistic and having to face the stigma surrounding my disabilities), and Femcel is the female/feminine counterpart.

it was a movement back in the 1990's - early 2000's as a way of uplifting those who became incels due to them being in a minority group, but sadly the original movement was abandoned due to how commonly associated it was with genuinely bad people.

Today, most of the self-identified incels/femcels are teenagers with ongoing mental health struggles who believe this label fits their experiences. These people (including myself) do NOT associate with anyone with intentions of doing harm to others.

As for the intrusive thoughts about killing my teacher: that was the result of constant dismissal and invalidation of my mental health struggles and due to the ongoing stress that has caused me. (I should mention that in therapy, I discovered that one of my biggest triggers is invalidation, and when I get triggered, I REALLY get triggered.), but I already did a threat assessment and I am speaking with my therapist as needed.

Also should mention: I have spoken with yandereDev directly a couple times (mainly to ask him questions), and out of all the times we spoke, he has not ONCE shown any interest or desire to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with me, in fact he's actually been keeping his distance (as a content creator should with their fans), so don't say he's trying to "gRoOm" me.

And do you REALLY think I'm gonna ask him out now??? At 17 years old????? FUCK NO, that's gonna hurt both me and yandereDev.

I'm waiting until I am 18 years old to attempt to be in a relationship with him, and by then I will the age of consent, therefore I would be able to consent to a relationship with him.

And as a final note: the people engaging with my content are not doing it to "enable" any genuinely bad behavior, I have stated myself that people can reblog my posts if they find it relatable. And people are engaging with my content because, well, they find it relatable. They share similar experiences as I do. Are those people in the wrong now because they had experiences in their lives and saw my posts and understand how I feel?

Honestly, idc if you're "concerned" or not, but you can't force me to delete my vent blog because you're upset that I happen to have a space where I am comfortable with talking about my mental health struggles. Why are you even looking at it anyway if you're THAT concerned about my posts? It feels a lot like you're just scrolling through my blog and cherry picking the posts that "concern" you.

Fucking weirdo....

If you're that bothered, just block it. I can assure you that I am okay and will get help if needed.

Don't like? Don't interact.

Thank you.

"luca, you're not a failure! you're just not putting in the effort!" I hope your head gets smashed in with a brick.

You do not get to tell me how to feel about my future and how my life will go, especially not after everything I've been put through.

I. GIVE. UP.

I'm done with trying to keep my grades up only to end up failing all of my classes by the end of the semester, I'm done with trying to maintain friendships that will eventually fall apart, and I'm done with trying to be a good person when all people do is just put me down again.

everyday is a constant loop of the same fucking bullshit, with no breaks whatsoever, and idk what happened, but I guess I just eventually snapped.

Remember that shitty teacher I was thinking about killing?

Well, today I got pulled out of class to go speak with a counselor and a security guard because my therapist had reported my homicidal thoughts to them, and they spoke with me about it.

When they asked about a weapon, I pulled out some scissors I had in my bag and put it on the desk, and I guessed they took it as a sign that i was gonna kill the teacher and they had me to a threat assessment.

Now, granted, yes I would use those scissors on that teacher, but it's not like i have a PLAN to do it. I can't even tackle down my 2-year-younger sister, let alone a grown ass man with the most greasiest hair I had ever seen in my life, and also it'd take WAY too much time and effort to make a plan to actually go through with it without getting caught, so why would I?

Long story short: I got suspended for 3 days and I ended up doing a threat evaluation after I left campus.

Listen, idc how serious threats are, but the fact that it literally me took me threatening a fucking teacher for someone to finally listen to me makes me so fucking angry, and atp, I'm fucking done.

This is EXACTLY why I say that nobody cares about you unless you're dead or making threats.

I have had my mental health dismissed for YEARS, and anytime I started showing non-romanticized mental illness signs, I was blamed and degraded for it. I had teachers complain that I was "resisting" the work in class, and how "disruptive" I was, an it just-- AUGHHGFHJGRJHFKGGEFWKJJEF /NEG

AND GET THIS! Similar shit happened at my old school and my mom had to transfer me from that school just so I wouldn't go and kill anyone, it was BAD. They basically proved my point.

I could've gone to jail, both for that time and today. And they don't care, because they want my life to be shitty. They want me to suffer.

Back to the topic regarding the teacher, My mom is literally defending him and victimizing him, basically saying "oh, he misworded it, he didn't mean to piss you off! he understands you!"

What the actual fuck.

I do not give a flying fuck what his intentions were, the impact is still there, and it could've costed his life.

he KNEW i was mentally ill, he KNEW that I had a lot of trauma from my old school. Yet for some fucking reason, his mentally healthy greasy haired bitch ass, had the fucking BALLS to tell me that it was MY fault that I was struggling, and to add on to that, he basically called me a dirty lazy pig (not what he actually said but he might as well have said that) because my hygiene was shit at the time BECAUSE I AM MENTALLY ILL.

And when this shit happened, he has he nerve to go and play the victim card and pretend like he didn't know.

Fuck you Mr. Gonzales, and fuck the school system entirely, ESPECIALLY THOSE BITCH ASS SCHOOL COUNCELORS THAT ARE SO USELESS THAT YOU MIGHT AS WELL NOT HAVE THEM.

"just use coping strategies" KILL YOURSELF, I AM MENTALLY UNSTABLE, YOU THINK JUST FUCKING BREATHING IS GONNA FIX ME??? FUCK YOU!

Anyway, I'm supposed to be working on homework, but after today, I'm not gonna do that shit, fuck that. Not like I care about my grades anyway considering how bad my mental health has been for the past 7 years.