The Wind Sings My Name

The wind sings my name

Though the tone is not the same

The rain hums along

An echo of our song

Begging me to come home!

(Please, come home!)

Katie, 19:00

I will euthanize my heart tonight for it keeps screaming your name even though our time has ended. With every anguished beat, it tries to breathe you to the stars; with every broken piece, it tries to replot the constellations.

I am not against it trying to resurrect a dead love but I think it has gotten too much for a sacrifice. In every effort it exerts to win you back, you thrust the dagger deeper, severing it. And the blood that gushes from wounds that refuse to heal is the only proof that it is still fighting.

The wounds are always deeper, the sacrifice, a way too much. But your love is a shallow river. Shallow but it drowned my heart in empty words. I struggled to reach the surface but you pushed me below to meet my doom.

It pains me. Oh it pains me to see my heart staggers as it reaches for your hands that are no longer there. When will it choose to heal? When will it choose to forget you? When will it choose to wake up to the truth that your kiss is a poison, the deadliest in the universe?

I hate to do this. I will forever resent my soul for this plan. But my heart, it needs to rest now as it grows weaker with each passing minute. It spent a lifetime holding you. You gave it a taste of a sunshine but I can't bring myself to say you're worth all the love. Maybe you're not.

So I will end everything tonight. Lawful or not, I feel the necessity of doing it. My heart suffered long enough. And as I lay it to rest, I hope my tears will flow farther than the stream of thoughts it used to run with you, when the sky is bluer than the blues clouding my mind as I whispered my last farewell to my lionheart.

I hope you will be glad.

(Euthanize my heart)

Katie, 23:45

I stare at your eyes, deeper...

deeper...

deeper...

Seek for the warmth that is no longer there.

For the warmth,

Katie, 05:00

Someday, you will fall in love. And it's not going to be the feeling you've grown accustomed to. Those years filled with wild butterflies? Bouquet of roses? Spark in the eyes? All sweet nothings that send you to cloud nine? No, it's not going to be that. Your next love story will be a mess. A total mess. As if a tornado has passed and disarranged everything in your life. And you will begin to question all that you ever believed in.  You will begin to weigh what's worth your time and what's not. But you will be strong. This kind of love will make you strong. It will cause you to scream at the top of your lungs in the middle of the night when you have nothing left to give. It will make you doubt every promise that has ever said in the name of passion or commitment. You will uncover lies under beautiful flashes of skin and smiling faces that look like a dream. It will make you cringe against a gust of wind coming from an open window. It will make you bleed. But it won't leave you weak. It will make you strong. And you will appreciate it more than anything in this world. The moment this kind of love finds its way to your heart, you will be the bravest woman ever lived. All because you will be able to handle it.

-Not your usual love,

Katie, 18:00

My heart died that day. I didn't know hearts could actually die until I started feeling mine slip away into another dimension; somewhere cold, somewhere dark, somewhere there's no you. All our memories tumbled down like tears rolling themselves into oblivion. Those long conversations finally reached a dead end; turned themselves around and started marching back to the lips that breathed life to them.

I felt it all. How our eyes stopped exchanging warm gazes. How we suddenly shunned each other's call. How love departed from my system like a soul leaving its earthly form. Not that all of these matter now that I have turned dark and cold. But there are certain points in time and space, some worthy coordinates that remind me of everything. Sometimes it all comes back to me. The love, the you, the time we left behind.

I am sorry I have to die that way. That I have to choose freedom over you. That I have to choose power over you. They say "Love is never real. There's no such thing in nature. Humans invented it, a spell for their females to indulge themselves with when they can't have power." Everything is a concept. The euphoria, the maddening twists of emotions- all of these are concepts. None of which are lasting. So I let my heart wither away like a plant. You held it tight before it died, squeezed it so hard that all your claw marks were etched on it, a beautiful proof that in spite of yourself, you never really wanted to let go.

I am looking at these marks now as I ponder on the daunting serenity of this new dimension where I loiter like a lost soul. They say love doesn't exist. I've been told so many times that there's no such thing in nature. But while I create new memories with myself, waves of emotions so strong come back to me. Like ropes, they bind me to the you I try so hard to forget. I am always trapped between the pangs of forgetting and remembering. My mind, no matter how I confine it within my control, it always wander back to where I came from. To the place where I left all the memories of you.

Sometimes I want to come back. However my love, I cannot. For the heart that gave life to my universe died that day. That day when you were too proud to look me in the eye and say it's over. Well, you didn't really have to. I felt it when you leaned to kiss me for the last time. Your lips, oh love your lips was nothing but a cold and dead and numb flesh touching my slowly desolating soul.

-Back to where I came from,

Katie, 23:15

Image:Pinterest

It's silly.

But it feels like we only wake up so we won't break the hearts of the ones we love.

Katie, 18:00