I Hate Falling Asleep

I hate falling asleep

I stay awake

As much as I can

Reality, it is more beautiful

Far more beautiful

Than my dreams

Now that you're here

With me

-Stay awake,

Katie, 11:25

If all the songs you asked me to listen to were drugs, then I may already be suffering from addiction. Or an overdose. I play them everyday and still can't get enough. Irrevocably, I am drawn closer, not to the melody or the lyrics,but to the soul you're allowing me to discover through them. It's just too beautiful for my mortal eyes to behold.

-All the songs,

Katie, 12:40

"I love you!"

All the words we could have said,

but chose not to.

-The words,

Katie, 20:00

Pain demands

To be felt

But I dare not

To scream

Like it's a sin

To even acknowledge

From within

That I'm merely

A fragment

Of a woman

A heart with

Broken wings

Living in quagmire

Of excruciating

Loss I'll spend

Centuries trying to fill

With every scattered

Pieces of you

That I'd meet

Along my walk

With endless grief!

-Pieces of you,

Katie, 19:35

Someday, you will fall in love. And it's not going to be the feeling you've grown accustomed to. Those years filled with wild butterflies? Bouquet of roses? Spark in the eyes? All sweet nothings that send you to cloud nine? No, it's not going to be that. Your next love story will be a mess. A total mess. As if a tornado has passed and disarranged everything in your life. And you will begin to question all that you ever believed in.  You will begin to weigh what's worth your time and what's not. But you will be strong. This kind of love will make you strong. It will cause you to scream at the top of your lungs in the middle of the night when you have nothing left to give. It will make you doubt every promise that has ever said in the name of passion or commitment. You will uncover lies under beautiful flashes of skin and smiling faces that look like a dream. It will make you cringe against a gust of wind coming from an open window. It will make you bleed. But it won't leave you weak. It will make you strong. And you will appreciate it more than anything in this world. The moment this kind of love finds its way to your heart, you will be the bravest woman ever lived. All because you will be able to handle it.

-Not your usual love,

Katie, 18:00

I will euthanize my heart tonight for it keeps screaming your name even though our time has ended. With every anguished beat, it tries to breathe you to the stars; with every broken piece, it tries to replot the constellations.

I am not against it trying to resurrect a dead love but I think it has gotten too much for a sacrifice. In every effort it exerts to win you back, you thrust the dagger deeper, severing it. And the blood that gushes from wounds that refuse to heal is the only proof that it is still fighting.

The wounds are always deeper, the sacrifice, a way too much. But your love is a shallow river. Shallow but it drowned my heart in empty words. I struggled to reach the surface but you pushed me below to meet my doom.

It pains me. Oh it pains me to see my heart staggers as it reaches for your hands that are no longer there. When will it choose to heal? When will it choose to forget you? When will it choose to wake up to the truth that your kiss is a poison, the deadliest in the universe?

I hate to do this. I will forever resent my soul for this plan. But my heart, it needs to rest now as it grows weaker with each passing minute. It spent a lifetime holding you. You gave it a taste of a sunshine but I can't bring myself to say you're worth all the love. Maybe you're not.

So I will end everything tonight. Lawful or not, I feel the necessity of doing it. My heart suffered long enough. And as I lay it to rest, I hope my tears will flow farther than the stream of thoughts it used to run with you, when the sky is bluer than the blues clouding my mind as I whispered my last farewell to my lionheart.

I hope you will be glad.

(Euthanize my heart)

Katie, 23:45