Hindsight - Tumblr Posts
Username change
I have changed my username from Simple-shiper to the-simple-creature! Why? Hindsight mostly, I don't ONLY ship, I am quite simple however.
Jesus has a place for me, a life of sin and infamy
When I met him, I was certain I had found my soulmate.
I was a miserable teenager; I was always unhappy and never understood why. I think I understand better now, but that’s a post for another day or blog.
He presented himself as exactly what I needed. He had a shaved head, with piercings all over his face, a leather motorcycle jacket and chain on his wallet. When he found me I was in ripped fishnets and my catholic school skirt at a bar underage. We were wasted, and convinced it was fate.
He introduced me to ‘real’ punk: Dead Kennedy’s, Choking Victim/Leftover Crack, F-Minus, Pistolgrip, etc. He told me he found solace in punk when his home life turned sour in his early teens. This music aligned with everything I was feeling (angst, restlessness, anger) and hated everything I hated: in short, boo discrimination and establishment, yay liberty from the reign of old white men.
I felt I had hit the jackpot. I had met a handsome bad boy who was just my type at the time. He was a rebel who’s views mirrored mine (so I thought), who stood for something. And he was absolutely mad about me. He spent his last $10 on me. He would send me songs that he knew would tug at my heart - “Who wouldn’t be the one you love” from the Pumpkins - and draw us bubble baths. He scraped together what little money he had and bought me a ring - the one I just recently took off - and told me that one day he’d marry me. He wanted us to live for one another. He called me his saving grace, “the one”, his beauty, his reason.
I remember distinctly thinking that I would take a bullet for him. I was inconsolably in love.
The first incident occurred within the first two months of us being together officially. However, I chalked it up to a stressful home life, and with the stuff above, found it easy to ignore him screaming at me.
He was testing my boundaries.
Little by little it all ebbed away. All of it. The kindness, the rebellious spirit, the spontaneity, the love, even the values I thought he and I shared.
This all seems… so long ago, but I put on a song today that I haven’t heard in years. It took me back. Back to when I didn’t see him as a monster.
Aftermath
I didn't stop talking to him immediately after that message he sent me. Truth be told, he’d ‘cut me off’ a number of times prior to that. We actually had a set of boundaries and expectations in place for just these sorts of occasions.
The last time he'd insisted we cease speaking, after the initial shock and flood of texts I sent him, I stopped texting him altogether. He messaged me after a few days of silence and accused me of getting over him.
So for the next 6 weeks or so, I texted him every day. Here’s some highlights of my shame:
Should have said:
Listen pal, there's only enough room on this block for one Fuck Up (tm) and the position has been filled. GTFO!
That did not take long. He just stopped me in the street as I was walking to my car.
I ducked out by saying I didn’t have time to talk. I would have humoured him before. Maybe flirted. The thought makes me sick now.
Woo! Progress!
He used to put his hands around my waist and tell me “you’re so small!”
My broken brain was thrilled by this ‘compliment.’ In hindsight, it was a threat: “I could break you so easily.”
I included the times he asked me sarcastically. You know, the days where he thought I may have had a day he would consider better than his.
I retrospect, even in the honeymoon stage, he was never too interested in finding out more about me.
Strange behaviour toward someone he professed to love.
Little things
You know, in the last 10 years I think I could count on one hand the number of times he asked me how my day was.
Being sick is an Excuse: Episode 6
He hated when I took time off work when I was sick. (As a side, he is ABSOLUTELY the asshole who goes to work sick as fuck, not caring who he spreads it to. And no, he’s definitely not living paycheque to paycheque).
On one occasion I was feeling particularly bad. He threatened that I better not take a sick day. So I “got ready for work”, left, called into the office, and then went to the doctor’s. After getting my script, I found a parking lot far away from our place where I was sure he wouldn’t find me and tried to sleep until he left for his afternoon shift. I jumped any time my phone made a noise because I was terrified he would find out I wasn’t at work.
For the record, I had a handful of paid sick days. There was no reason for me to have to go.
I’m in a healthy relationship now, and this is absolutely fucking ludicrous.
veivaviciouss:
i’d prefer foresight to hindsight
