Things I Wish I Could Tell You - Tumblr Posts
Separation Anxiety
His body is lean and wiry under my hands our thrusts frantic with need heedless of the night air or the cars or the mountains or anything at all as we mate like frenzied animals or maybe teenagers in a darkened parking lot; I leave him gasping for air when we are done.
We know one another the way all people from small towns do, comparing graduating years and siblings and who has worked with who; a pleasant surprise in discovering a mutual desire, as these things go sometimes.
And in the morning I send you the hardest message of all.
Friday 1946
"Tomorrow" we used to whisper
"Tomorrow" our mantra, our hold on a little longer till we can touch and melt and find release in one another, but
"Tomorrow" is different now, forbidden in a new way
"You don't destroy the things that are good for you" my friend said
"I do. It's what I'm good at"
Because "Tomorrow" is just another crack in the facade now, the acid bath I threw us into
"Tomorrow" is just business again.
Road Trippin'
I sleep beside him at the ocean side, we match well in the dark at least, even if it's a struggle by daylight. He is chameleon, and difficult to read, but oh so gentle when he touches my hip or strokes my hair.
I struggle to let go of work my kids the bills, I struggle to simply be and be in the moment with this stranger who already knows the flaws of my body.
I think quite likely I will never hear from him again once this trip has ended, I think it is a job interview that I am failing and I do not know quite what to say, when he watches from hooded eyes, and mocks so subtle that most miss it.
I come home. My legs are tired. My soul is grateful. My sex is satisfied.
And you have blocked my incoming messages, here we are we could not salvage it, you have decided there is nothing worth fighting for.
I will always be your friend, even if you are not mine.
Saturday 1523
I dreamed of you last night; interspersed with the nightmares, weaving in and out of different kinds of terror.
I dreamed of finding the messages I sent, all the things I've been holding back, all the things I think but never say, I dreamed of finding them sent in my sleep, oh beg your pardon for my slip of the finger but I can't take it back now.
I was secretly disappointed to realize it was only a dream.